Renewed!

Stephen Dell Taylor

2011-10-13T20:01:00.000-05:00

Our little Stephen finally made it into the world! He was born Monday, October 3, 2011 at 9:31 pm! He weighed in at 8 lbs 0 oz and was 19.75" long! He has since grown .75"! So proud of our little buddy! He's such a huge blessing and I don't know what we'd do without him. It's been quite a journey getting him here and I hope that someday when he gets older we can share his story with him. How he made it through Plan B and how we welcomed him home. I'm so blessed to be the mother of two very special children. He especially makes me appreciate and love Brooke so much more. I love little Stephen and his sister Brooke with all my heart! I hope she never thinks that we don't love her at all, because we do. His story begins the day he was concieved when we tried to stop it all by taking the Plan B pill, which failed! We never expected this! We weighed our options as we were not ready for a baby in our lives yet. We had decided on adoption and had the perfect little family picked out for him. One day I could see that Colby had become quite distant so I approached him about it and he told me that he didn't want to give the baby up. I cried and cried. I knew what this meant. Our little blessing would join us and bless our lives as well as others. It's been quite a journey getting him here. A journey that tought us so much about ourselves and each other. One that tought us that life is precious and babies are gifts from God! I know God has a purpose for each of us that have been on this journey. Colby has been an excellent father. He was scared at first but I thank him everyday for the little life he contributed to and has blessed us with! More importantly I thank God for giving us this little miracle! He truly is a blessing! I've never seen a man cry harder than when he was born. We bawled like babies because he was finally here and not only that but because we knew what a blessing he is! He's amazing! He's teaching me more love than I could ever imagine and to appreciate life! I can tell you this though, we couldn't have

done it without the support of Colby's family and our church family. They've been a blessing to us as well and been on this journey with us! We love you little Stephen and are so thankful that we've been blessed with you!

I love that picture of Colby and Stephen at the top. It shows so much love. He fell in love all over again when he was born. What an amazing experience.

Our first family photo was not a very happy looking one considering we were both running low on sleep!

Brooke loves her little brother so much! She's great with him already! She's a natural! Love that little girl so much too!

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

2011-09-11T00:00:00.002-05:00

Today is September 11, 2011 and today is remembered in the hearts of many Americans. As those planes crashed into many remembered building that one faitful day, I was at school. I was a senior in high school at Greenwood High School, and I can remember passing by one of the classrooms where one of our teachers stopped me and asked if I had heard. I obviously had not heard because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He told me and that’s the moment it hit. Our country was under attack and who knew that it would continue for a long time. No one even saw it coming. We had a new President who was doing his best to run the country he believed in so much. The country that had offered him so much without expecting much in return. But more importantly, many of our freedoms were taken that day. I remember going to second period and sitting in there when someone mentioned that the pentagon had been hit. It sank in, “the Pentagon” I screamed, my cousin worked in there on the very side that was hit. He had just walked out of the building when the plane hit, and he went back in to assist where he could. I worried for him for the day and I was sad until we heard he was okay. My cousin is a JAG Lawyer and it could be him that we’re remembering this day.

Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.

I hope that we can instill this kind of thing into our young children, Brooke was not yet even thought about when this horrific event occured so she will never fully understand how it has impacted ourselves, the people around us, our neighbors, friends, and family, nor how it has impacted our lives and our Country. When I think about these things and the innocence that those children bring I also remember the innocence of our country that day as there was really nothing we could do at that very moment. How vulnerable and unprepared we were that day. That day has changed our lives forever.

On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.

I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt.

Lt. Margiotta, I remember you in my heart everyday for your selfless act of courage for our country. You did what had to be done and put your own safety behind. What an amazing man you must have been. I hope that we as American's continue to remember you everyday. I chose to honor you in this blog once a year and I hope that I never become to busy to ever forget.

Today it is the greatest honor to remember such a brave and loved man.

Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:

According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.

On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.

I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.

They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.

When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.

Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.

Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.

Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.

As tough as Chuck looked, and with as gruff a voice as he had, children always knew that he loved them. They instinctively knew he was their ally. And they were right. If he yelled at them for letting a game get a little out of hand, the children usually smiled or laughed. Then Chuck would laugh too, seeing himself in the kids.

Chuck's light shines in the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie, who look around in admiration at all the people here who loved their father. That light will shine brighter every day until it bursts like a super nova when we join him in heaven.

Chuck is up there now with all the other firefighters lost on September 11th, giving a lesson on how to grow tomatoes and zucchini. He knows he can’t be wrong because he is with Nani and Papa who taught him all about it.

He is up there having a pick up game of basketball against Jesus and the Apostles. Chuck calls his team the Underdogs. I’d like to introduce them to you now:

Starting at Forward…everyone who was too little to fight for themselves. At the other forward… everyone who in the latter years of life were stripped of their dignity and were unable to perform tasks we take for granted. At Right Guard…everyone Chuck loved that left this world before him. At left guard…everyone who ever misjudged Chuck's loyalty while on earth. And STARTING AT CENTER…a man who at only 5’11”, now stands taller than everyone because of the life he led, the traditions he held on to, the compassion he showed and the memories he left...Chuck Margiotta

I continue to research this Hero and upon doing so I found this:

When he left Staten Island to attend Brown University, Chuck Margiotta told classmates that he would return to New York to become a fireman. He did just that, serving 15 years in Harlem and then the last 4 with Ladder 85 in Staten Island.

He also became a substitute teacher. A private investigator. A coach of his children's soccer and basketball teams. And he was a member of the Screen Actors Guild, winning small roles in the movies "Frequency" and "Hannibal."

"He was usually the guy who got shot," said Steve Gallira, a friend since childhood. "Nobody knows when the guy slept. We don't think he did."

Early on Sept. 11, Mr. Margiotta, 44, was returning to Staten Island after filling in for another firefighter in Brooklyn. Once he heard the news of the attacks, he turned around, caught a ride with Rescue 5 near the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge and headed for the towers.

That was Chuck: all drive. Always doing the unexpected. Like becoming tight end for his high school football team when he could hardly catch a pass. Like saying unabashedly in the company of other men how he had done the right thing by marrying his wife, Norma. Mr. Gallira said, "I felt all this work he did, Chuck believed it was his obligation to life, to fill it up."

Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 14, 2001.

To honor someone next year you can go to http://www.dcroe.com/2996 and sign up.

His family has also dedicated a website to him also that you can go check out pictures and other things on: http://chuckmargiotta.com/index.html

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

Spring Cleaning...in the Fall?

2011-09-06T21:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's taking place in my life. When we think about spring cleaning we think about that once a year that our homes get a super good cleaning from the ceiling to the floor from baseboard to baseboard. It's just a deep cleaning of our homes. God can do that in our lives too, and it can happen at ANY time of the year. Why? Because like our homes it's often time necessary. Does it hurt?...yes! Does it help?...yes! It can be a time for healing as well.

God has been doing a bit of spring cleaning in mine life for a few months now and while it's been quite painful I've learned it's also quite necessary. You see I have a few friends that since learning I was pregnant have ceased speaking with me. I was not really sure why though. Well, today I found out that it's because I went back to the man that I loved and some other decisions I have made along the way. I'm sorry that this friend could not support me in this decision as I have supported him in many of his. I was there for him when he and his "partner" were going through some crap and when he finally left him. I've been there for him in a quest for a new job. When he told me he was gay I told him that I would never stop being his friend even though I didn't support his lifestyle. I've always stood by this, while many of his friends vanished or began treating him differently. I never felt like I was put on this planet to judge him or anyone else, even if I didn't agree with many decisions.

I know that all these things are working together for the good. Maybe it's for the better of my families life. One can only hope. I'm putting my faith and trust in God because that's all I can do. I can no longer control others actions and they can no longer control mine. We are all responsible for ourselves and ONLY ourselves. No doubt will we make some enemies along the way because they will not agree with us, but I can live a life free of stress and worry this way.

I have chosen to rid myself of this toxic individual on facebook. I will no longer text him, nor wonder what he is up to. You may not like the life I lead or the decisions I make and that is fine by me. But you will not BASH my decisions or my family like you have done. I have no room for you in my life. May the Peace of God be with you!

Updates

2011-07-01T09:45:00.000-05:00

I know everyone has been waiting to hear what's going on in my life! Well where do I begin! Hmm...lets start with the most amazing week long vacation! We went to Houston, sure it's not exciting for some, but it was super exciting to me. I welcome new experiences everyday and had a BLAST while we were there! We originally went for my cousins wedding and we planned on staying a week after that, which we did! It was so much fun. I've never had so much exercise in my life. OMG...we walked for miles it seemed some days, but it was worth it all! The weather was just perfect, and it even rained! Something we haven't seen here since last September! We are in desperate need! We played in the ocean, sat outside by the water EVERY night before bed, and just enjoyed each others company! We also visited NASA and a few places that we don't have here! We ate more seafood than you can imagine. I don't think we ate any other kind of meat while we were there! It was amazing! Our hotel was across from NASA on the water and it was a beautiful view to wake up to every morning! Nothing like waking up to water and a beautiful sunrise in the mornings! It was a nice relaxing time! I fell more in love with the most amazing man ever! He's shown me so much these last few months! I love him dearly.

Now we'll move on to the little guy in my belly. It is indeed just that A LITTLE BOY! He will grace us with his presence sometime in October and I couldn't be more excited. It's been a little rough and hard to handle seeing as I'm pregnant during the summer, but we're making it! God has given us a blessing that we can not refuse, the complications I had before are GONE! Praise God! I just hit 26 weeks today, and in a couple more weeks we'll get to see him again and get some more pics. I'm one excited momma! I have had the privilege of seeing him every two weeks because of the complications I was having, but I'll give that up to know that we are both healthy! Brooke is super excited about being a big sister to a little brother, even though she would have preferred a little sister...lol! What can I say? I didn't get to make that choice, but I'll take what I get so long as he's healthy. I told her we didn't get to pick what we were having but that God made that choice himself! She was okay with that answer! It's so awesome to share this experience with her and with Colby! What a joy it has been. She likes to rub my belly and try and feel him kick, which is exciting to her, and honestly, I enjoy letting her do it. It's not everyday that your mommy is pregnant! She always asks how he's doing when I talk to her! She's loving it! Colby's pretty excited about it too, and has gone CRAZY on the baby clothes. We picked up some clothes for the baby while we were gone at the outlet mall in Houston and at Babies R Us! He's so funny sometimes. At night we just lay in bed and he rests his hand on my belly and waits for Stephen to kick. He likes to talk to him and we play him some music which he enjoys! It's just amazing to get to share this with him. I didn't have anyone to share this with when I was pregnant with Brooke so it's been quite a change, but a good one at that.

We are looking forward to the many changes that are to come in our lives, and I know they are all positive ones.

Hold Me Together

2011-05-17T12:09:00.001-05:00

I've been hearing this song on the radio lately, and it's really awesome. We often wonder how someone who can not be seen can love us as much as Jesus does! He gave His life for you and I! What an awesome sacrifice! I would sacrifice my life for my childrens! We are all children of God and he sent his one and ONLY son for US! But how can his love reach down to us? I've learned that his love is reaching people one person at a time. He puts people in our lives for reasons! Reason's we do not understand, will not understand, and do not need to understand. He's just too cool like that! I'm going through a journey with some of the most awesome people by my side. They are Godly people! They are wonderful, amazing...oh I could go on! They have chosen to walk a journey with Colby and I that neither one of us can understand. The little miracle is just that, a miracle. A creation of our Heavenly Father that I'm privaleged to carry for 9 months! The little guy is living proof that God does exist! I feel him moving all about in there and I wonder how people could not believe in God!

In this song he says "Can your love reach down this far". God's love can, remember those people in our lives that come in at just the right time? Those are God's people doing His work, and showing us His love! How awesome! I'm learning this gradually! It's been tough sometimes to believe that he could send such awesome people into our lives, and it always comes at just the right moment. I've lost all support from most of my family, but who needs people who drag you down anyway! I have God, Colby, my sister, and friends! These Godly people have become my family. They are the ones I know I can turn to when things are not right. I can call them and cry because I do not feel well. They are concerned with how the little guy is doing and how my health is doing. The little guy is fine, but I'm having a few complications this go round. It's not fun, but apparently its necessary. For God does not give us more than we can handle! He knows our breaking point!

We have a God that can hold us together. His love CAN reach down this far. When we feel like we're falling apart He's holding our hearts!

Royal Tailor - Hold Me Together
From the album Black and White

Hello mercy
I have been searching for You lately
I've been wounded and from what I hear
You have the remedy

They told me You would be for me
so now I need to know
Is this a love that can save me
Or say you will then don't

Will You stay with me
When nobody is around
If this is real
Then tell me now

(Chorus)
Can You hold me together
Can Your love reach down this far
Can You hold me together
'Cause without You holding my heart
I'm falling apart, falling apart

Saying so long, been lost, been gone
Not sure what to pray
It's not easy, but I know You see me
When I lose my way

I keep on floating not knowing
If there is more for me
Don't want to sink beneath
Waves of negativity

I'm going under,
I'm afraid I might drown
If this is real,
I need you now

Chorus

I'm feeling stronger
With You by my side
And I realize You are my hope
And I need to know

Chorus

Without You
I'm falling apart
Falling apart

The End Has Come!

2011-05-11T09:40:00.001-05:00

I took my last final last night and wanted to depart for the semester with a few words...I mean paragraphs! :) I have really enjoyed my lecture class! My teacher was awesome.. a little scary at first but after you visit with her you find, she's pretty harmless, she just wants you to learn your stuff! I'm sure I learned alright.. a lot more than I ever thought I'd need to know! I'm actually a little sad because some people I won't see again for a while, they will go on without me while I stick to online classes for the fall semester! A few of them I will keep in touch with and perhaps have lunch with them over the summer...here's to hoping! I wanted to just say a little something about each person I've met on my journey for the Spring semester!

Mrs. Mertens - You're crazy! I love that you have a passion to teach this stuff, and an even bigger passion for us to learn it. I love how you sit and talk about life experiences and sometimes that helps me out! I'm not gonna lie, you scared me at first after all I'd heard, but I'm passing along that you're not as scary as everyone makes you out to be. Thanks for changing the tests during the last part of the semester, I probably would have never have made it!

Kristin - Thanks for being my "therapist"! You're one funny, outspoken, honest and loveable girl! I can't imagine not having you in my classes anymore and I'm so thankful we've become friends! I'm so glad I could vent to you about whatever life is throwing my way and it's so odd how we feel the same about a lot of things! Thanks for just being you! I will come to your house warming party, I just can't get in the hot tub :( But I'll be there for ya!

Jamie - Last semester I thought you were too snobby for words. Then I kind of got to know you a little better. It takes a lot of getting used to and you're someone who has to grow on people. You grew on me, and then you got on my ever loving last nerve. I don't find it acceptable to answer questions about someone else's personal life if the teacher asks them. You've rubbed me the wrong way several times and you don't think about it. You completely wear me out most class times! I understand that you had a baby at 17 years old but that doesn't make you anymore special than someone who had one at 25. It could have happened to any of us. You need to quit worrying so much about your boyfriend and that darn cell phone of yours and grow up. I understand it's hard having a 5 year old, but I've done it for almost 7 years and you've never heard me complain. You're not special quit acting like it.

Maritza - OMG...you're such an awesome woman and I love sitting and talking with you. I hope that you succeed in ALL you do! You're son is adorable and I can't wait to get to know you a little more! I hope to get together with you this summer. Oh yes, and you're accent is AWESOME! I'm sad that we can not continue on this journey together this fall, but we'll see each other more! You're super smart and thanks for teaching me a lot!

SyBrooke - So I heard there is a little attitude within that needs to be unleashed every now and then! I think you're a beautiful girl! You're smart, funny, and just a doll! I have enjoyed having you in class now two semesters in a row and getting to know you better the second go round. That little girl of yours is beautiful just like you!

Janie - I didn't get to know you all that well, but you have a sweet spirit about you! I wish you well in all you do!

Candace - Oh Candace...where do I begin? STAY OUT OF OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS! You don't have kids don't pretend and act like you know what it's like to A) be pregnant or B) have kids! You're not a mom! Oh yes and DON'T follow people out to their cars, they find it rather creepy, and since you're kind of a creepy weird girl anyway, I don't really find it advisable to think it's okay! IT'S NOT OKAY! Maybe in Florida, but honey you need to click you're heals because you're not there anymore! If we want to involve you in a conversation we'll ask, don't try and force friendships on people. It's highly unlikely they will go for the bait. You should probably wait until they invite you in. If you hate kids, you should probably try out that stuff we call birth control EVEN AFTER YOU'RE MARRIED! Get it together. You're older than I am by one year but your immaturity is awful. Age is just a number especially if you don't act it! The male anatomy is not there for our ammusement and while you think it's funny for people to ask sensible questions, they don't appreciate it! There is nothing funny about reproduction! The pigs taught me that from a very early age! If you plan to take anymore courses that have reproduction involved I highly suggest you grow up a little more. Oh yes, and abstinence is OKAY! Really it is, no one ever died from it and neither will you! Get over your fascination with HIGH SCHOOLERS! Yes, they act dumb, but you don't act much different some days! Do not stalk people at Chic-fil-a in the mall, they are there to eat not be stalked, if I want you to know what I'm drinking I'll ask for a refill! Other than that, wait until I talk to you, but DO NOT STALK ME. I'm not sure what you're fascination is with me other than I'm cool, and you're weird! Leave me alone!

Conflict

2011-05-09T14:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes there is conflict in our lives, whether it be between us and a family member, spouse, children, parents, or even within ourselves. It exists! Some of us deal with it by just ignoring it, facing it, letting it go, or just walking away! There are only so many times that you can ignore it, face it, or let it go, before you just walk away and give up. I'm walking away! Walking away from people who do not respect others and probably haven't for a long time. This is a battle that is long overdue and for whatever reason it's occuring now! It's not nice, lovely, or even a happy thing. It's a necessary thing. At what point do we say, enough is enough. You can act like children, but you can do so without me around.

I specifically asked my parents not to talk about something that is going on in my life. I would have liked to have told the rest of my family myself, considering I am an adult. I don't understand who thought it was their place to pass the word on, and apparently it's not just happening with my parents but with my mom's side of the family as well. They have betrayed my trust and passed along some information. Some of which not everyone knows everything about. They think they do but they don't. I wanted to be able to tell them so that I, myself, could answer whatever questions they might have had vs. them getting bs answers from my family. Of course my family has put me down for every possible thing so I don't know why it wouldn't be any different this time. They took something very precious from me when I was 19 and now 8 years later they've taken it from me again. Yes, that happens to be me telling the rest of my family that I'm pregnant! My parents were so ashamed when I was 19 and pregnant that they waited until I was showing and the day before Thanksgiving to tell the rest of my family. I didn't get that privalege! So instead of thinking that beautiful baby girl was a blessing I thought of her as a curse for a long time. She has blessed my life tremendously!

Here again, after asking them to respect me and not tell the rest of my family because I wanted to, what do they do, turn around and do it to me again. And it's not just with my parents this time! It's happened all the way around with my aunt too! I don't understand it, and probably never will, but I'm done. I'm washing my hands of them because I'm sick and tired of it. I understand that I've hurt my parents, you expect that from your children, they do that! No matter what the age, but you certainly don't expect it from your parents!

They talked about reconciliation at church yesterday, which was awesome! How many times do you have to try and reconcile with people who just constantly want to hurt you? They thrive on that, and honestly I think they enjoy it quite a bit. If my mom isn't happy or she's miserable, she wants to make sure everyone else's life is a living hell to, and will do whatever she can to ensure that! It's rediculous. I'm glad my family loves drama, because they can keep it but I'm out of there. My parents are fixing to understand what it's like to start out with 3 duaghters and only have one. My oldest sister doesn't have much to do with them either! I can't do it anymore and I can't see putting my family through it either. Like it or not Colby is here to stay, no matter what you say or do. I'm finally standing up for myself, something I've waited so long to do, but the time is here and it's NOW! I always try and give my mom second chances but it always ends up the same way! ALWAYS!

I will have conflict with these people no longer.

Random Rantings!

2011-04-15T10:26:00.001-05:00

I know that we all go through trials in life and sometimes it's seems as though we're all alone fighting it all by ourselves. We are not alone, He is with us, but sometimes we forget to turn to him. We get wrapped up in our daily lives, work, school, kids, home, husband/wife, and forget about what's most important. We always think about providing monetarily for our families, but we often forget the emotional aspect that's involved in it all! We are all guilty of this! I go to school, work, take care of the house, dinner, whatever needs to be done there and then have no time for myself. I'm wrapped up in trying to make a living for my family by working and by going to school ensuring that in the future I can provide more than I can right now! I do not want to be the breadwinner I just don't want to struggle financially anymore, but we tend to leave out the most important part of the whole equation, our husbands, wives, or kids!

I'm struggling more than ever right now. I don't make a whole lot at the job I do have but they treat me well, and they are letting me do what I need to for school. Not many employers are like that! It's easy here not a whole lot to it, so fairly simple and probably the least stressful job I've ever in my entire life had. I'm truly blessed here! Now while this is only temporary, as is everything else, so is school. It's not forever but sometimes I feel like I'm in all this mess all by myself! I'm also a little on the pregnant side, which makes EVERYTHING seem like a HUGE ORDEAL! I cry because I don't know what we're gonna have for dinner. I cry because I'm stressed about school, work, Brooke, and spending time with the man I love. Now who did I forget, myself...I don't have time for any of those things I listed much less myself. That's draining all on it's own. No time for me, but I need me time. And sometimes that is hard to come by! I cry about that too! My clothes don't fit and that's rather depressing and all he can say, is it's gonna be okay, we'll get you some new ones. While it's enough it still don't help the fact that I'm growing a little more each day until eventually I'm gonna look like a beached whale. And we're going to the beach this summer...watch out...I'm sure little kids are gonna say, "look mom, look at that big ole whale." Okay, maybe I'm a little bit TOO hard on myself sometimes, I get that, but still I'm pregnant and this too is temporary!

Jesus, Bring the Rain!

2011-02-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

Yes, we need some rain sent our way weather wise, but not exactly what this post is about exactly. Jesus, bring the rain. He brings all kind of rain our way and either we can choose to put up our umbrella's and hide from it or we can get wet, dry off, and learn a little something. I choose to get rained on. There is always a life lesson in all of this. This past couple of weeks has been challenging and he's definitely sent rain in my life. It's been a downpour in the life of Kourtney and those around her. We've definitely been challenged.

Two weeks ago Colby went out of town and everything seemed to be great while he was gone and for a few days following his return. Let's rewind to last Tuesday the day after Valentine's. Doctor's appointments for all of us, missed time at work, test's at school! It was a busy day. Then Tuesday evening he calls and wants me to take him to the ER he's in pretty bad pain. So I took him and what followed is not what we expected. He was hospitilized from Tuesday until Saturday with Pancreatitis! Oh, there was some rain right there. Then on Saturday I brought him home and went to the store where I noticed someone had hit my truck while I was parked in the parking garage at the hospital for 4 days and 3 nights! I will tell you this, he was kind enough to let me sleep in his hospital bed with him. We rested up for the weekend and headed back to what we all thought would be a normal week until Thursday morning at 8:30 when he called me screaming in pain to please come home.

I keep wondering how much more I can take and Jesus is sending the rain alright and it's to prove a point. To prove that we can and need to turn to Him during times like this because without Him we could not do it on our own. I broke down once while I was staying with Colby, it had worn me pretty thin. I kept hanging on, praying for a speedy recovery so we could get home and get some quality sleep without being interrupted at all hours of the night, morning, day, whenever! There were plenty of people from the church praying for us and coming by to visit and see if we needed anything. Oh I did, just a little bit of sleep. I think we've been recovering for a week now and a full night sleep is always appreciated! When I heard this song today I was so thankful for all the rain that God had sent in my life!

"Bring The Rain"

Mercy Me
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Love isn't love unless it's given away!

2011-01-18T14:00:00.000-06:00

I always hear stuff at the most opportune moment. A moment that can never be replaced. I always hear this song but for some reason it struck a HUGE chord today as I drove down the road. I drove to a place where love between two people may or may not exist. It's not shown, and where these two people have a hard time showing it to others. I don't really understand. You can look at Colby and I in public or at home and see the love between us. The love is deep, it's real, and it's beyond measure. It's a love that is existant everywhere we turn. Whether I'm risking my life for a few limbs, or sitting on the couch watching a movie. He is loving me! Yesterday we bought some firewood, and the kind gentleman delivered it to the bed of my truck here at the office. I got it back to the apartment. Naturally it had to be unloaded piece by piece as we could not lift the palet ourselves! I climbed in the bed of the truck to get after it, and all I heard from him was "baby please don't fall." There were a few times where this nearly happened, but the love in his eyes as he watched my every move in the back of that truck were unexplainable. So with that, I give you this!

Give It Away
(Michael W. Smith / Wayne Kirkpatrick / Amy Grant)

She asked him for forever
And a promise that would last
He said, "Babe, you know I love you
But I can't commit to that"
She said "Love isn't love
'Til you give it away"
A father lived in silence
Saw his son become a man
There was a distance felt between them
'Cause he could not understand
That love isn't love
'Til you give it away
You gotta give it away

Chorus:
As we live
Moving side by side
May we learn to give
Learn to sacrifice

We can entertain compassion
For a world in need of care
But the road of good intentions
Doesn't lead to anywhere
'Cause love isn't love
'Til you give it away
You gotta give it away

Chorus

Bridge:
Love is like a river
Flowing down from the giver of life
We drink from the water
And our thirst is no longer denied
You gotta give it away
Chorus

There was a man who walked on water
He came to set the people free
He was the ultimate example
Of what love can truly be
'Cause his love was his life
And he gave it away
You gotta give it away
Chorus

Like I said, I was driving down the road of life when I heard this. I go back to class tonight and sometimes I wonder what I could do if it weren't for the support of Colby! He has supported me and rooted for me in my corner for many years now! I'm so blessed to be able to say that I love him so very much, and his love for me is deeply rooted as well. I know that we have been blessed with each other.

God's love for us is much more than any woman or man could ever give us. I would say that a child's love is much like God's. It's not conditional at all. Children love with all they have and they definitely give love away. Have you ever heard a child say I love you and it not sound so genuine and so true? God's love is much like that. Children love us right where we are, faults, flaws, and imperfections! They just love! God loves us RIGHT WHERE WE ARE, faults, flaws, and imperfections. I know my God loves me because he is working in my heart and through me DAILY! Love is when you sacrifice your one and ONLY Son to suffer and die for someone else's sins so that they may live eternally! Now that is love!

Love isn't love 'til you give it away!

Amazing Love!

2011-01-16T18:59:00.000-06:00

Last night was rather awesome and yesterday too. Everyday with a God who loves me is just amazing as well. But last night really proved how much someone else loves me. Sometimes we as couples say or do things that my may very well hurt or offend the other when it is not meant to. It happens, we realize this, generally talk it over, apologize and move on about our day. Used to when something happened we didn't talk it over, apologize, but mearly moved on about our day. How amazing that these things can change and it's okay. I used to be afraid to say anything because I was afraid that the angry words and other things would start to fly. I didn't cry I would just go about my day. Yesterday somethings were said. I pondered on how to talk about it and to let him know how I felt. I stood in the kitchen and cried, not knowing what to do and super confused. This showed a lot to him. It showed that I was not okay. We talked things over and at the end of it all, we both apologized, he came over he hugged me and I proceeded to talk about some other things. It's always better to talk about somethings when the door is open vs. making an awkward situation. This meant a lot yesterday. It meant that we had come to believe in a higher power and that by making God the center of our relationship, we could finally be free of all the anger between each other when things like this happened. It was once that we let things build and build and build before something would finally happen and we were like two atomic bombs going off under this one roof. God is awesome!

What amazing things can happen when we allow God to become the center of our relationships and our lives!

I am beautiful!

2011-01-04T14:29:00.002-06:00

I hear this song all the time and I always think about what this song means to me.

"Beautiful" by Mercy Me

The days will come when you don't have the strength

When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

And praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to death

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

There is a video about how he came to write this song and it has to do with the ways of the world and his daughters. He sees how the world influences and sells to little girls, to make them more beautiful or more popular or just more loved.

The truth of the matter is that there is a worldly person that does value are beauty, and someone who does think we are beautiful, but there is a bigger much more powerful man who loves me blemishes and all. I'm not talking about my wonderful boyfriend Colby, I'm talking about the Almighty God. He loves me for me, not for what I wear or how I look. He loves my heart even though it has it's own blemishes. I have faults and I'm not perfect and he loves me for those too. How awesome is that?! I have not been told I'm beautiful in a long time, and this song says it all. I have a purpose in life, and what that is I do not know but there is purpose in everything I do everyday. He has a purpose for me. I'm waiting anxiously to see what it is. Perhaps its what I've been led to do and that is care for people day in and day out. To care for the sick and help make them well or to care for the dying to make them comfortable in their last days or moments of life and to comfort their families. I want people to be comfortable in life. More importantly I want people to know that they too are beautiful in His eyes.

I was driving today, and I thought to myself, those words you are beautiful are so powerful. While I have not heard them from a man I love dearly in a while, I know I'm beautiful because someone so much more important thinks I am. I am sacred. I am a Child of God and I'm sacred to Him. I'm supposed to spread his word to all that will listen. I am treasured. As a child of God he loves me and treasures me everyday, I'm like a rare gem. He has protected me through many of lifes trials and tribulations and for that I'm eternally grateful. Maybe we don't recognize Him at that very instance but there are things that happen that make us realize that at that very moment He was there with us, protecting us and treasuring us, trying to keep us safe. More importantly I am His. I am a Child of God. I was created for God's purpose. None of us are accidents we are loved and valued. Our children do not belong to us I once read. God has blessed us with them for a short period of time to raise, love, and more importantly teach them the ways of the world. But most of all he wants us as parents to teach them about Him, and to show them His undying love for us.

God loves us to DEATH!

The New Year!!!

2010-12-30T23:42:00.001-06:00

I'm ready for the New Year! What does that mean? I'm not entirely sure. I can tell you that when 2010 rolled around I said, "I'm so ready for a New Year and a New Start!!!" We can always start new at any time of the year, why do we have to wait until the New Year? I was thinking about this today. I just happen to be professing my faith in January of 2011, but 2010 was good to me. I'm so excited that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. So I can not sit here and say that I'm getting a fresh start in 2011 because I would be lying. My fresh start happened 1 week ago today, which I was totally excited about. We don't have to wait for the next year to roll around to make things happen, we can make them happen at anytime. Yes, I know that 2011 will bring great things just like 2010 did, but it's never too late to make a fresh start.

So today I recap what 2010 brought me and my family!

In January Colby and I started talking again, which was awesome. Some things happened and it was quickly over again. We began getting back into church again. I spent a lot of time with my sister at this point. Brooke was not doing very well in her new school! Of course she had only been there a couple of months at this point. I also got me a new job at an electrical supply warehouse.

February - Colby and I were on the fritz but things would soon be mended when he sent me Valentine's Day roses. They are still in their vase and dried sitting on my night stand. Even though the roses themselves are dead they symbolize one man's love for me! :) I also celebrated 26 years of life with a wonderful boss.

March - I'm not sure what happened here but I'm sure I spent plenty of time with Colby.

April - we celebrated Brooke's 6th year of life and it was awesome. She's such a blessing in my life. We also celebrated Christ's return.

May - Colby went and watched his cousin get his wings in Oklahoma, while I watched Brooke graduate from Kindergarten. I was a proud mom and one that felt very sad that my baby was growing up.

June - by this point I had lost 46 pounds and was feeling better than ever. For once I could run and walk with ease. What a great feeling that was.

July - We celebrated July 4th here at the house probably watching a movie with Brooke. I also made the toughest decision as a mother and that was something I had to do for my child. My daughter went to go live with my sister while I get my life straighted out and get on my feet. We also started going to a new church.

August - I registered to go back to school, 8 hours. I thought I was going to die. I was still working at the same ole place as I was in January, except things were starting to get bad there. My hours were being cut and some other suspicious things began happening. Brooke started her 1st grade year. It was a sad day for one momma. I suddenly began realizing how OLD I was getting...lol!

September - School was going good, just busy as ever. There were many tests and many bummed moments when I would find out my test grades. I tried to spend as much time with Brooke as I could, but sometimes it was really hard. She began to understand what was going on, and why I was doing this FOR her.

October - School was getting tougher, my grades were starting to improve and things were getting better all around.

November - There was good news all around. I was looking forward to Thanksgiving, although it would definitely be one like no other. Brooke would be spending her first holiday with her dad and away from me. It really did suck, but what do you do? I also started a new job doing the same thing I was at the old place just at somewhere new. I love it there even still!

December - School finally was over for the semester and I walked away feeling more confident than ever. I proved to myself that I could do it even at my age and some years of not having been in school. Two A's and one B and I was happy with it all. It was tough but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I also had an amazing meeting with a very awesome guy at the church. On that night I would give myself fully to Christ. I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and was told that I would be baptized sometime during the first of January. I'm totally excited. This has brought Colby and I very close, realizing that this is a road that we would like to walk together.

I'm looking forward to registering for school in January along with a lot of amazing things that I know will happen in the year 2011! I pray that you have a very Blessed and Happy New Year!

Jesus sat with me!

2010-12-28T22:40:00.000-06:00

I'm experiencing some trials right now that we all go through when walking a Christian path. There will always be obstacles to overcome, fears to be had, and many tears that are shed along the way! Tonight as I drove home I began talking, but who was I talking to. I had no visible passenger, it was just me and my radio going down the road in my big ole truck. I have 5 available seats in that truck and the passenger seat was occupied by a very special man. His name is Jesus. I was just talking away and all of a sudden I felt this great presence in my truck. At one time I had no idea how I was getting home because I was just talking away. He was listening the whole time and comforting me more importantly. I looked over and though I could not see him smiling at me, feeling his presence was all I needed to know that he was listening. I expressed my fears, concerns, doubts, sadness and many other things. There were many tears shed in my truck on my drive home. I'm glad it wasn't in the daytime because people would've thought I was crazy. Oh I'm crazy all right, but not in a bad way. I'm walking a new path and though sometimes I have to be reminded it's easier to sit and say, I'm a Christian and I should not do that. I'm now comforted by the things that I expressed this evening. I let go and let God. It's not always easy, but if you don't do it you become a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Those are things I no longer need to hold onto.

In blogging my experience I hope to let you into the New Kourtney, with a better outlook in life. A more Christian attitude and a whole new spirit. I'm a Child of God and how amazing is that. I've been saved by the blood of Christ. God gave HIS one and only begotten Son so that I could have the things I have today. So often we get caught up in the material things and forget why we have those things. We tend to forget that if it had not been for Jesus, we would not have anything we have today, we would have all been persecuted long ago. Thank you God for sending your Son to die on the cross for MY sins for the rest of my life.

I propose to call this blog something else, Starting Anew says it all, but it would not be new and improved if I kept it. I will figure something out!

Goodnight and God Bless!

Where does the time go?

2010-12-15T12:35:00.001-06:00

I sit here at my grandmothers usually everyday for lunch and while sometimes she's already napped sometimes I get to have good conversations with her. Sometimes we talk about the good old days and other times the only one we have is her telling me about someone that has died. I realize that these are all a sign of her age. They are rather sad signs.

I decided to look out the backdoor today. Here in west Texas its windy but still a beautiful day. I looked into the backyard and could almost see the beautiful green grass and all her flowers. I was taken back in time a bit. There was one a green swing out here underneath this tree, but it is now just a memory. That swing is now gone. The flowers are gone and replaced with flower shaped pinwheels. The grass is no longer green and kept, it is now brown an covered with leaves. As a child and part of my teenage years I spent a lot of time over here swinging, planting flowers or raking the leaves. My youth is gone but is much retained and somedays I still act like one. I'm getting older and looking back on my childhood more and more. Those are memories each of us must keep alive. Memories of days long gone, but thinking or talking about them always makes you smile. My grandmothers youth has been sucked from her gradually fading over time. That mind is still sharp sometimes bit she is unable to do the things she once loved. Gardening was her passion, now she's lucky of she gets up an tends to the dishes. She would garden, maintain the yard, even mow it herself. In the last few years we've seen the decline in my grandmother. I've witnessed her health fail, her mind going, an now we are regressing to the childlike state. My mom tells me that while she and Brooke are a lot alike we see Brooke growing and maturing and my grandmother is doing the opposite. It is very sad. There are somedays I leave here with my heart full of happiness and other days where it is broken. I never know what each day with bring for the two of us or what kind of adventure we'll have, but I hope that when I leave everyday she knows how much I love her.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

God has IMPECCABLE timing!

2010-12-12T22:41:00.000-06:00

Man God has a perfect timing for everything in your life. I must say He has impeccable timing. I know that today in church I was supposed to sit in the 2nd row from the top in seat 8. Why? Because that's where he told me to plop down at. I sit alone at church. I'm not alone in that church, God is with me wherever I go. The message today was amazing. Just what I needed to hear honestly. And what has happened this evening has been amazing as well. Today some of the things that we talked about were Peace. Peace that surpasses all understanding. What an amazing thing. First we have to have Peace WITH God. Then Peace OF God. Lastly, Peace WITH EACH OTHER!

The other thing he spoke about was how we have to forgive..that doesn't always mean forgetting but if we forgive then we have peace with that situation. As some of you know my forgiveness to someone has never fully happened. I say I forgive this person but I always take it back. God did not die on the cross to forgive OUR sins only to take them back. He continually forgives, those Sins are long erased from our book of life, if we so choose that path. Now its time to erase someone's sins from my book of life. Reconciliation is one way of doing so. We reconcile relationships, friendships, marriages, and many other things. I have reconciled one relationship with someone very special to me. Someone who I love so dearly. Many will not agree and that is fine, they don't have to. We want to be together, and we want Christ to be the CENTER of our relationship. We are trying to control one too many things. We are human but we need to let Christ do all of it. If we keep Him the focus then the rest will just fall into place. There we many things that have happened in order for us to lead up to this moment. We dated people just to fill the void of each other. Thinking we could try and replace each other with someone else. It could never happen. I always had him in the back of my mind. Always wondered if he was trying to do the same. Always yearning for a hug, a kiss, or something to say that everything was going to be okay. It was never the same when I was with someone else. I learned very quickly that you can not replace the one you love with someone else. It does NOT happen. This is a relationship that I hope stands the test of time. So far it's been 3 years in 5 days. I didn't know it was possible to love someone else for so incredibly long. I love you!

I have the need to reconcile a relationship that has been so hard on me for so long. The relationship with my mom is one that I need to work on. Do I want to? Absolutely not, I'd like to put it off for another day, but it's something I need to do because she won't be here forever. I have begun taking the steps to reconcile the relationship with my oldest sister. It will take some time just like the one with my mom will, but I will do it. I do not like the conflict that is between mom and I. I would so like for it to be different. Unfortunately I have tried many times and get the same results, so why would I want to try again? She will not be around forever and I do not want something to happen to her and me have a hardened heart. I do not want to have ill feelings against this woman forever. This horrible relationship I've always had with her factors into a lot of things. What kind of girlfriend I was and what kind of mom I had become. I'm ready to turn those things around. I want to be a better mom, and although I didn't have the greatest example, I have to be the best for Brooke. I want to be the best girlfriend to my boyfriend, and someday the best wife. I want to lead by example. I can not go on living like this forever. I can no longer carry these things around. By forgiving her I have to work to reconcile and work to let those things go. It will be hard and there will be many roadblocks, just because I know how the devil likes to stir the pot, but I will make it. Maybe she feels the exact same way, but neither one of us knows where to begin.

Today I make a commitment to be a better mother, girlfriend, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, student, co-worker and more importantly a Soldier for Christ.

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

2010-09-11T07:35:00.000-05:00

Today is September 11, 2010 and today is remembered in the hearts of many Americans. It's hard to believe that this attack on American soil happened nine years ago. It's amazing that for many of us where we were, who we were with, what we were doing, and what we may have been wearing is forever etched in our minds as we think about that day. As those planes crashed into many remembered building that one faitful day, I was at school. I was a senior in high school at Greenwood High School, and I can remember passing by one of the classrooms where one of our teachers stopped me and asked if I had heard. I obviously had not heard because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He told me and that’s the moment it hit. Our country was under attack and who knew that it would continue for a long time. No one even saw it coming. We had a new President who was doing his best to run the country he believed in so much. The country that had offered him so much without expecting much in return. But more importantly, many of our freedoms were taken that day. I remember going to second period and sitting in there when someone mentioned that the Pentagon had been hit. It sank in, “the Pentagon” I screamed, my cousin worked in there on the very side that was hit. He had just walked out of the building when the plane hit, and he went back in to assist where he could. I worried for him for the day and I was sad until we heard he was okay. All of us had a family member that was affected by the attack this day. It's all hit to close to home.

Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.

On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.

I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt.

Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:

According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.

On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.

I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.

They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.

When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.

Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.

Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.

Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.

As tough as Chuck looked, and with as gruff a voice as he had, children always knew that he loved them. They instinctively knew he was their ally. And they were right. If he yelled at them for letting a game get a little out of hand, the children usually smiled or laughed. Then Chuck would laugh too, seeing himself in the kids.

Chuck's light shines in the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie, who look around in admiration at all the people here who loved their father. That light will shine brighter every day until it bursts like a super nova when we join him in heaven.

Chuck is up there now with all the other firefighters lost on September 11th, giving a lesson on how to grow tomatoes and zucchini. He knows he can’t be wrong because he is with Nani and Papa who taught him all about it.

He is up there having a pick up game of basketball against Jesus and the Apostles. Chuck calls his team the Underdogs. I’d like to introduce them to you now:

Starting at Forward…everyone who was too little to fight for themselves. At the other forward… everyone who in the latter years of life were stripped of their dignity and were unable to perform tasks we take for granted. At Right Guard…everyone Chuck loved that left this world before him. At left guard…everyone who ever misjudged Chuck's loyalty while on earth. And STARTING AT CENTER…a man who at only 5’11”, now stands taller than everyone because of the life he led, the traditions he held on to, the compassion he showed and the memories he left...Chuck Margiotta

I continue to research this Hero and upon doing so I found this:

When he left Staten Island to attend Brown University, Chuck Margiotta told classmates that he would return to New York to become a fireman. He did just that, serving 15 years in Harlem and then the last 4 with Ladder 85 in Staten Island.

He also became a substitute teacher. A private investigator. A coach of his children's soccer and basketball teams. And he was a member of the Screen Actors Guild, winning small roles in the movies "Frequency" and "Hannibal."

"He was usually the guy who got shot," said Steve Gallira, a friend since childhood. "Nobody knows when the guy slept. We don't think he did."

Early on Sept. 11, Mr. Margiotta, 44, was returning to Staten Island after filling in for another firefighter in Brooklyn. Once he heard the news of the attacks, he turned around, caught a ride with Rescue 5 near the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge and headed for the towers.

That was Chuck: all drive. Always doing the unexpected. Like becoming tight end for his high school football team when he could hardly catch a pass. Like saying unabashedly in the company of other men how he had done the right thing by marrying his wife, Norma. Mr. Gallira said, "I felt all this work he did, Chuck believed it was his obligation to life, to fill it up."

Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on November 14, 2001.

To honor someone next year you can go to http://www.dcroe.com/2996 and sign up.

His family has also dedicateda website to him also that you can go check out pictures and other things on: http://chuckmargiotta.com/index.html

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

The new skinnier me!

2010-06-03T20:27:00.001-05:00

You see that picture of my handsome boyfriend and I? Yes friends I still kinda look like that but I have lost 46 POUNDS! I've had to work hard for these last couple to go away, however I will make my goal of 50 plus more! Only time will tell! I'm excited that the fat Kourtney is gone and the skinny Kourtney is in!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sadness Strikes Yet Another

2010-06-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

Tonight I lay here listening to the police scanner for the town in which I live. It's a nightly tradition that was started sometime ago while living with Colby, and it comforts me in some way. I can not sleep while listening to the radio, but for some reason I can sleep with this going. I don't really understand it either. I usually listen to see if my cousin happens to be working that night and sometimes its pretty interesting. I've heard him go on chases down alley's and you can hear him running and breathing...PRETTY COOL! He's pretty cool himself. My city is safe with him and a few others I know on the streets. Except tonight it was no police chase or drug bust or anything like that. There was a pedestrian hit on a busy street known as Wall Street. Sadness filled the air when I heard the officer tell the dispatcher that they needed to call the JP it was a fatality. Now mind you, Wall street is a 5 lane highway that during the day is impossible to walk or even think about running across, at night, the chances of you being seen by anyone is little to none. Sad part is that he probably wasn't seen or even recognized before the poor unfortunate soul hit him. Now, I would not like to be that other person in that car that will have to live with that for the rest of my life. I did hear the officer say that he was unresponsive and there were massive amounts of blood coming from his head. It's sad to know that a family is one family member less as of this evening. Seeing as this part of town is not a very good one...I can not speculate on where he was going or what business he was tending to, and will not post that here either, however, I can tell you that it may be very difficult for the family financially. I will keep them in my prayers tonight.

Colby has been dealing with being the bearer of bad news the past couple of days as he's taken someone's position who is also no longer with us. He's had to break the news of this gentleman's death to several suppliers, one of whom he said started crying. I have to say that if I found out that one of our good customers had passed away like that, I'm sure I would have a melt down too. I can only imagine. I don't even want to think about it.

I'm sure that the media is all over this by now and it will make the front page of my local newspaper, which is sad. I can tell you that I was with that gentleman in prayer for the last moments of his life. God Bless you Sir, and rest in peace.

Death

2010-05-21T22:31:00.000-05:00

According to dictionary.com death is defined as "the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism." Now many say there are many forms of death, brain dead, or spiritual death. I have begun to realize that all three of these are death. Death from God or death from life. What has made me come to realize these things suddenly? So many deaths in my life. Morbid as it may seem I check the obituaries every single day. Not because I want to see who passed on to the Pearly Gates but I want to see who lived their life with Grace and poise. Is it to say that those who have lengthy obituaries were loved or appreciated more, no, but maybe they made a greater impact in those lives that were written about. Their loved ones say kind words about their lives and their accomplishments.

What has really begun to drive this kind of thing home is that people that are my age and a little older are dying everyday, some who I know and some whom I do not. Either way it is always sad to see someone who has just begun to live their life simply lose it. Whether it be a disease or a horrific car accident, it's sad either way. It just makes me realize that as we start to get older we are beginning to lose those people around us, and how sad it is that they may never get to see their children get older or hold their first grandbaby. I was speaking with someone the other day about how we go through life thinking that would never happen to us we would not start losing the people around us until we were at least 35. WRONG! We have been losing the people around us all our lives, whether it be friends, family, or classmates. When it's your grandmother you expect it a little more because you know that as she gets older she will begin to develop problems, many of which can not be cured or treated. Your uncle going in for a hip replacement dies unexpectedly of a brain anuerism and that is a total shock to your system. A classmate is being taken home from school by her boyfriend who blatenly runs a stop sign and kills her. SCARED is what you become when you're 16 years old! It never ends, death is immenant. It's impossible to avoid and it's happening all the time.

My Cowgirl!

2010-03-26T22:17:00.001-05:00

My puppy at work. She went to work with me today because her daddy was out of town. I love my cowgirl. She is very protective of her momma and its so awesome. I can not leave the room without her going crazy. She is always watching people. Shes not much of a barker but we had some guys come in one time that she did not like and she went to town. At one point i found her under my desk when this one guy came in. She had been just fine until he walked through our door. Then she was not leaving my side. She wanted to make sure her momma was safe!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Excited!

2010-03-25T22:58:00.001-05:00

Im so excited that I can finally blog from anywhere and everywhere now! Hopefully you guys will hear a lot more out of me now! Since the last time we spoke I have lost 40 pounds and look better than ever honestly. I needed it severely. Now many people are curious as to what the secret is. Truthfully there is no secret. Its just been falling off and no, I have not been starving myself!

It's your life, Who do YOU live it for?

2009-12-23T18:17:00.000-06:00

It's Your Life
Francesca Battistelli
This is the moment,it's on the line,
Which way your gonna fall,
In the middle, between wrong and right,
but you know after all.

CHORUS :
It's your life watcha gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door,
it's your life.

Are you who you always said you would be,
with a sinking feeling in your chest,
always waiting on someone else to fix you,
tell me when did you forget?

CHORUS :
It's your life watcha you gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door.

To live the way that you believe,
this is your opportunity,
to let your life be one that lies away,

Chorus :
It's your life watcha gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door,

REPEAT
It's your life,It's your life.

We all have lives, and it depends on who we live them for as to how happy we are in that life. Do you live it for you or for someone else? If you live it for someone else, it's wrong. HOw do I know this, because for a long time I lived it for two people who "love" me very much. That is the worst mistake in my life. I will be miserable if I live it for them. For all those people who will not be happy for the decisions I make and the paths I choose then so be it, they probably didn't have a place in my life anyway! I am the only one in control of my life and my decisions. This is something that I have had to learn the very hard way through many different trials, but I'm getting there, and I'm making it! No, not everyone will agree with what I choose to do in life, but I will not do it to make THEM happy, but to make myself happy! There are people in my life who will support me no matter what I choose to do, whether it be move across the state of Texas just to start a new life, or get back with someone I love very much, not everyone will agree or like it. So be it!

Attitude...is it possible to change?

2009-11-08T22:31:00.002-06:00

What is the definition of attitude? According to dictionary.com attitude the the "manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, esp. of the mind: a negative attitude; group attitudes."

Yes, we at some point get an attitude about something, whether it be a particular issue that upsets us greatly (i.e. politics or religion) or something that's happened to us (i.e. car accident). Sometimes we get attitudes just because we don't feel good or other reasons that are unexplainable. I have a huge attitude problem, and it's probably because I wear my feelings on my sleeve. You WILL know when I'm mad, upset, happy, or just really pissed off, I do not hide it very well. I may slam doors, throw my shoes, or stomp around the house. I express myself in many ways, and it's not always in the words I say. I try not to say things that hurt people but sometimes my attitude gets in the way and they come out. Now, we all say and do things that we do not mean to hurt people but often times these words cut a deep wound in our souls and our actions can do the same. Can we change that? Absolutely. No one can tell you to change or tell you how, that is something that you have to want and work on for yourself. This is all part of being successful in my goals of changing who I am. Now many of you know the course of my childhood, which I care not to revisit. However, I am changing my attitude because that is what's shapes me and my experiences in life. However, I'm not letting it take over my life, which includes an attitude change! My attitude needs to change toward my family of three, my daughter, and my boyfriend, both of whom I love very much.

Things.

2009-10-17T23:02:00.000-05:00

Things are going rather well, except today has been exceptionally hard. I got a call at noon saying to come pick her up from daycare because she was having a "bad day"! So I went and got her from daycare and we went and ran a few errands. However, we get home and I get laundry started, dishes done, cleaned out my car, cooked dinner for Colby when he got home and I've taken Brooke swimming, we've both had baths, I still have to put away dinner and pack EVERYONE'S STUFF!! Why WHY WHY!!! I never asked Colby to be a father to Brooke, but damnit it'd be nice if when he got home he would help but he just came home and has done nothing but slept. I'm tired at the end of the day, but my day doesn't end until Brooke goes to bed, and then THERE'S STILL MORE TO BE DONE!! I'm frustrated and I shouldn't say anything so I'm writing this. Brooke has been rather challenging this evening and all he can say is that he's going to bust her butt because she's interupting his sleep. I don't think so. I've dealt with it all most of the day, and I still went to HEB and got some things that we needed!! I've done every bit of laundry that needed to be done. EVERY BIT OF IT. Washed, dried, folded, hung. Whatever needed to be done, I've done it. I would really like to drop Brooke off with my mom tomorrow and go to Amarillo to the family reunion by myself. BY MYSELF. I hope that he heard that when I said it to her earlier. I love her to death, but when do I get to lay in bed and just sleep from the time I get home until everything else. This blog won't be around long, so read away and comment away. I don't know what to do. I didn't know I'd be the good little housewife.

We are like a carrot?

2009-10-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

I read this book to Brooke it's simple and I love it. It's called "The Carrot Seed"

I shall recite it for you to get the bigger picture.

"A little boy planted a carrot seed.

His mother said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

His father said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

And his big brother said, "It won't come up."

Every day the little boy pulled up the weeds around the seed and sprinkled the ground with water.

But nothing came up.

And nothing came up.

Everyone kept saying it wouldn't come up.

But he still pulled up the weeds around it every day and sprinkled the ground with water.

And then, one day,

a carrot came up

just as the little boy had known it would."

Now you ask how are we like carrots? Because it only takes one little seed in our lives to be planted and for someone to care and nurture it despite everyone's negativity. All that little boy did was take care of that little seed, and guess what despite what everyone said, that carrot seed grew! That little boy must've been proud. I suppose that's how parents are. You plant a seed in your child and the more you nurture it and care for it the more it grows, and it's so excited to see your children grow. It's exciting to watch that little seed turn into something amazing. I suppose it could be the same in a relationship. The more you nurture and care for it the more it grows, when you stop doing those things, the relationship stops growing and becomes stale. Much like a seed that no one took care of. What if that little boy gave up? He wouldn't have proven his parents wrong and I'm sure he wouldn't be proud of those things either. What if we gave up on our children or a relationship with someone we care very deeply for? Our children would amount to nothing and we would never have a quality relationship. Many of us would have never found a soul mate, a husband, a fiance, or a boyfriend. We would have nothing! That dear friends is how we are much like carrots!

Success!

2009-10-04T17:05:00.000-05:00

What is success? What do we define as successful? Our personal goals that have been achieved and accomplished. I have succeeded and no longer talk about that thing that I was starting over from... Since that post I have remained true to myself and to who I am, not letting my past and the unfortunate events of part of my childhood become who I am. I have remembered that while it's still a part of my past and always will be I can not let it define who I am and who I want to be.

Now today I must conquer something else, and it does not define who I am or who I want to be. Something that saddens me when I think about it. He's only been gone a year on October 15th and I'd almost forgotten until I looked at a calendar and on that day there is a little note about how James went to be with God. Is that a day I will never forget, yes! It is a day that is forever etched into my brain. A day that some of us will have vivid memories of for the rest of our lives. I can't almost paint the picture for you to this day, seeing him hooked up to all those tubes. That is something I never want to see again. It's so hard because still to this day when I call my aunt I want to ask how my uncle is doing, how work is going, how he is enjoying retirement! I have to constantly remind myself that I can not do that. I see things and I remember him. I talk about my drafting career and think about how much we had in common as he was the City Engineer in Midland! I sometimes think, man if he were here I could ask him about some things!

I truly miss him and always will, maybe this year in celebration of his life, Brooke and I will let a bunch of balloons go..perhaps one for each year I knew him...lets see...25 ballons!

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

2009-09-11T08:39:00.001-05:00

Today is September 11, 2009 and today is remembered in the hearts of many Americans. As those planes crashed into many remembered building that one faitful day, I was at school. I was a senior in high school at Greenwood High School, and I can remember passing by one of the classrooms where one of our teachers stopped me and asked if I had heard. I obviously had not heard because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He told me and that’s the moment it hit. Our country was under attack and who knew that it would continue for a long time. No one even saw it coming. We had a new President who was doing his best to run the country he believed in so much. The country that had offered him so much without expecting much in return. But more importantly, many of our freedoms were taken that day. I remember going to second period and sitting in there when someone mentioned that the pentagon had been hit. It sank in, “the Pentagon” I screamed, my cousin worked in there on the very side that was hit. He had just walked out of the building when the plane hit, and he went back in to assist where he could. I worried for him for the day and I was sad until we heard he was okay. My cousin is a JAG Lawyer and it could be him that we’re remembering this day.

Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.

I hope that we can instill this kind of thing into our young children, Brooke was not yet even thought about when this horrific event occured so she will never fully understand how it has impacted ourselves, the people around us, our neighbors, friends, and family, nor how it has impacted our lives and our Country. When I think about these things and the innocence that those children bring I also remember the innocence of our country that day as there was really nothing we could do at that very moment. How vulnerable and unprepared we were that day. That day has changed our lives forever.

On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.

I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt. Today it is the greatest honor to remember such a brave and loved man.

Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:

According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.

On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.

I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.

They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.

When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.

Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.

Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.

Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.

As tough as Chuck looked, and with as gruff a voice as he had, children always knew that he loved them. They instinctively knew he was their ally. And they were right. If he yelled at them for letting a game get a little out of hand, the children usually smiled or laughed. Then Chuck would laugh too, seeing himself in the kids.

Chuck's light shines in the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie, who look around in admiration at all the people here who loved their father. That light will shine brighter every day until it bursts like a super nova when we join him in heaven.

Chuck is up there now with all the other firefighters lost on September 11th, giving a lesson on how to grow tomatoes and zucchini. He knows he can’t be wrong because he is with Nani and Papa who taught him all about it.

He is up there having a pick up game of basketball against Jesus and the Apostles. Chuck calls his team the Underdogs. I’d like to introduce them to you now:

Starting at Forward…everyone who was too little to fight for themselves. At the other forward… everyone who in the latter years of life were stripped of their dignity and were unable to perform tasks we take for granted. At Right Guard…everyone Chuck loved that left this world before him. At left guard…everyone who ever misjudged Chuck's loyalty while on earth. And STARTING AT CENTER…a man who at only 5’11”, now stands taller than everyone because of the life he led, the traditions he held on to, the compassion he showed and the memories he left...Chuck Margiotta

To honor someone next year you can go to http://www.dcroe.com/2996 and sign up.

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

Today is the day...

2009-09-07T19:28:00.000-05:00

that I start a new trend in my life. Letting go of the past which is so hard. Am I choosing to hold onto it? Probably in more ways than I realize. Except Colby pointed it out to me. I tell it to nearly everyone I meet and it's so weird because I've never realized it. Do I want people to feel sorry for me? No! I want to be free from it, and I'm going to have to have God helping me out because I can't do it on my own. It's time to move on, it's time to make peace with it, realize that I'm definitely a different person, and move on with my life. I'm going, I'm taking a step in the right direction. I'm working on letting go. Becoming a much better person that I've ever been. Yes, that is part of my childhood, as everyone has a story about their childhood that isn't always good, but if we hold onto those things, what kind of people do we turn into? I have not held things against Colby from our past why in the world would I hold it against anyone else? That's just silly. I must learn from my child in this home. It's okay to know that bad things have happened to you, but at the end of the day you can not let them affect who you are or the person that you would like to become. You must deal, realize that either it makes you a better person or that you can become a better person from it.

Here's to starting anew! Why? Because it's healthy!

It's been a while....

2009-08-22T21:29:00.005-05:00

Since I last posted something, but here we are none the last. Just a little update.

I have registered Brooke for school. I'm a little excited, and a little scared, but hey all that matters is that now, the possibilities are endless.

I'm also not going to tell you that since we last met, things have been totally easy. The relationship with my parents has gone through the cracks, well, I should clarify and say that the relationship with my MOM has gone to the dogs. I have not spoken to her in nearly three weeks! Am I okay with this, oh yes, I am. However, it has affected the relationship with my father greatly. If I need something long after he is home from work, I do not call the house under any circumstance. If it's an emergency I will find other means to get ahold of him, however I will not be phoning home anytime soon. I will avoid her like the plague. I have always been close to my dad so this angers me greatly, the fact that she does things like this, and however, he lets her get away with it. I'm not really sure when she'll wake up and see the facts like, oh geez, both of my daughters have moved away from home and if it weren't for their father, would they really have anything to do with me. She doesn't ask herself these things but she needs to start. She has a lot of problems that she needs to get taken care of before she can care for a family. I'm not really for sure why she wanted me other than I know that my dad had to have some things reversed before I could get here. Do I thank him? Everyday, because regardless of how much he's done to us, I can't count how much he's done FOR us. I love that man but I don't understand how he could stay married to her. There have been so many times that divorce has been threatened and according to my sister there were papers drawn up at some point, and frankly I don't know that I wouldn't have let her get away with NOT signing them. However, if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here either, and I wouldn't be half the person that I am today. I would not appreciate my dad for all he's done for me no matter what. He's been my rock and for that I'm truly grateful!

On to bigger and better things. Back to the kindergarten thing. We went and met Brooke's teacher and I'm pretty for sure that Brooke is going to SUPER enjoy being in kindergarten and meeting a whole bunch of new kids. Meeting her teacher was pretty cool. I'm really excited and I think she got a good one. We shall see when Christmas rolls around. That's about the time that you can start to tell cool things like that.

Well, I suppose that's all for now. I'm just here at the house hanging out. Did the school shopping today, so I'm a bit worn out from it all. Gotta get up early in the morning and get to church. Need to go more often it just makes for a better day!

Watching him work!

2009-06-27T11:54:00.002-05:00

I'm here sitting in the truck watching Colby work on this electrical stuff in the field. We are kidless this weekend so why not come to work with him right, I just have to sit in the truck which I'm fine with because road time is a good time to just sit and chat. There are no chores to be done or a house to keep clean out here, it just good quality time with the one's you love. Watching him work makes me realize how hard he works everyday for our family to keep us going and to provide us with the things we need. Not to mention I get to see him looking sexy in his hardhat. He's such a handsome man and I feel truly blessed to be his girlfriend! I've never gotten the chance to come out here and experience this because we've always had Brooke so why not. It seemed fitting right! There's a right time for every experience in our lives! He works in the heat and sometimes he tells me that it's hot outside or something but never does he complain, NEVER! Like I said I'm truly blessed with a wonderful man like him in our lives. Everyone deserves something good in their lives and I'm blessed to have two wonderful things. I've been blessed with the most amazing daughter and with a wonderful boyfriend. Two of those things I couldn't be more thankful for! It's been an amazing ride.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-21T15:45:00.002-05:00

First of all let me say Happy Father's Day to all of those men who are lucky enough to be called Father's on this day! Some take it seriously and some do not!

I'm spending my first Father's day away from my Dad and it's been kind of hard. I realize that I've had 25 of the best years of my life with that man, but I do have my own family now. I miss him being there for me a lot of times. I'm so happy to celebrate Father's day with Colby this year and he has taken it awesomely.

My dad has never failed me, he has always been there for me no matter what and I hope that I was there for him when he had cancer. I can only hope that he thought the same thing as he layed in that hospital bed and had his two daughters surrounding him at all times! He has been my hero for much of my life, and I couldn't be more proud of the dad he has been. Now that's not to say that we haven't had rough tough times as most children and their dad's do, but it's been a fun ride. But I'm all grown up now!

What do we know about love?

2009-06-07T11:50:00.003-05:00

No one can tell you just exactly what love feels like, it's one of those things you have to experience for yourself. It's something that you feel with your heart, with every part of you! There are different kinds of love. There's that love that you have for your parents. The love that you have for your children, which is indescribable and happens almost the instant that you find out that you're going to be a parent. There's the kind of love that is shown to you through kind acts, whether it's your best friend being there or your sister. Then there's the love that you can't explain, that is shown to you when you find that person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with! I have found that, and yes I have written on it before however, he is out of town and the things he says and does are just proof to let me know that he really and truly does love me and care about me.

I can tell you this, because it's what I know. I appreciate Colby more than he'll ever know because he's gone right now. I didn't realize how much he really did around here, like the dishes, the laundry, help with Brooke...and many more. I have always appreciated the things he's done for us, I guess I just never really had the time to stop and think about it or to realize it. What an amazing thing he does, every morning he gets up and goes to work at 6:45 and sometimes doesn't get home until 8:45 in the evening, but he does it for his family, us. He does it because he loves us and he likes for us to have nice things. He never complains about how hot it was or how his arms are sunburnt or how much of an ass his boss really is. He does a lot for us, and I'm forever grateful to have him in our lives. How did we get so lucky to have a great man like him, love us unconditionally. It's the little things that show you just how much someone loves you.

I have to tell you this sweet little thing. One morning as we were leaving for the sitters and work, Brooke starting freaking out..."OMG mom someone wrote on our window." I just kept telling her to calm down nothing was going on and I was positive it was just the morning dew. As I rounded the corner and took a good look at my truck I noticed there on the drivers side window it was written "I love you! Colby" How sweet I thought, I snapped a picture before driving down the road made it all run down the window like a steady stream. It was awesome. I thought to myself. I'm a spoiled girl and somedays I really don't realize it. There are some mornings when I can't even say I love you before he beats me to it as he's running out the door. I enjoy his company, his laughs, his jokes, the way he looks at me and smiles, and the way he says, "I love you." That's what I know about love. It's a mighty powerful thing.

Where oh where did I go?

2009-04-29T21:40:00.004-05:00

Did you miss me while I was gone? Of course not because no one reads this damn thing anyway. However for those of you who MIGHT, here's what I've been up to lately...hmmm...where do I begin.

The beginning of April we had Brooke's birthday party, which was tons of fun, at this place called Jumping Party here in town. For those of you who don't know it's this building filled with tons of jumpers and they are super cool. You get to jump for like 1.25 hours and then you get a party room complete with you're own "attendant" as you will for the last 45 minutes. It was fun and she is officially FIVE years old. Where did all that time go and where have I been? I feel like I missed so very much of her growing up and it makes me sad. I was so busy trying to finish school to get us into a better financial situation. But I'm so glad that I did it. It definitely means better pay because I have a college degree. Anyway, here are some pictures from that.

Colby and I then began moving into our new two bedroom, two bath apartment which I absolutely love. Brooke loves having her own space and her own bathroom. It's great for her because she's never had something like that before. It's always been "our" bathroom and "our" bedroom. She's doing great, sleeping in her own bed everynight. It's so nice for her to be able to just slip away and go play. I know she can't be into anything too terribly bad because in there are her very own toys. It was so important in finding her a place where she could be. She likes to go in there in the evenings and just hang out and play. Or like tonight she told me she was sleepy so she went in her room and laid down. It's awesome.

I would like for you to meet "Dodge Ball"! She's a beauty and she is super fun to drive. It's our "family" vehicle and my daily driver. We traded in the saturn :( for this dude. We were becoming cramped and uncomfortable in that thing. I mean come on they are closing down the Saturn line anyway, and they stopped making that model of car some 5 years ago. I'd also had it for nearly eight years and when I drove it off the lot it had18 miles on it, and when I drove off in my new truck it had 136000 miles on it. I left it behind. It was time for her to go. She had a good life, she served an awesome perpose and she got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. However she was becoming more and more unreliable as the days, weeks, months and even years wore on. She's seen two wrecks, a new transmission, a new air condition, and lots of other new things. She had been through a lot however it was time for her to go. We couldn't get stuck without a vehicle.

In moving I have also obtained a job here in Odessa which I'm very grateful for. It's ten minutes from home and I love it! I'm working for SMCO in Accounts Payable, which I'm taking over slowly but surely. Everyday I get more and more responsibility and I love it.

Well, I'm hoping to keep this a little more up to date. I'll post some pictures of Brooke playing t-ball later, maybe tomorrow.

Positivity - Negativity

2009-03-17T11:51:00.004-05:00

I hate to cover up the post below which is filled with positivity with a post that is filled with so much negativity. However I must vent to the world of the unknown where no one seems to care but me, and when I get it off my chest I too will no longer give a rats ass about it either. Rest assured however that it is NOT about Colby, the LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

I have tried my hardest to raise my daughter with as much positivity in her life as one can muster up. Yes, I too at times fail at showing this too her when I’m having a bad day or letting negativity get in my way. I sometimes am not the best example. Yet, no matter what I’m trying my hardest to show her these things. As a child I was not raised like this, in fact none of us were, at least not my middle sister and I. We were raised on these things right here, “You could always do better. You didn’t try hard enough. What were you thinking? That isn’t good enough.” You see those things came from my mom. Never a day in my life have I heard my mom tell me that I looked pretty or that I did something right. I was always wrong or could do better. I showed pigs for ten years and no matter how hard I got out there and showed it was not good enough for her. No matter how hard my sister tried to run in a cross country meet it was never good enough for mom. NEVER. I think we have spent most of our lives trying to please my mom. I give up. I’m done. I am who I am and its not because of her. If it weren’t for my dad saying these things, “You did a good job, the judge just wasn’t impressed, we’ll get them next time. Kourtney, you look pretty today. You know no matter what happens I’ll still be here for you. We’ll get through this, don’t you worry, you’ll be alright.” If it hadn’t have been for those things and that man in my life, where would I be? I suppose the better question is WHO would I be today? My mom always told us that she tried to build our self confidence or our self esteem, all the while she was tearing them down. But she didn’t get me. Yes, I was the skinny girl in high school who was too damn fat. I was not fat at all. Whose to say that you’re fat when you’re comfortable in your own skin.

Parenting is a learned behavior and if you wish to change it, YOU must break the cycle. As a kid I was abused and it still continues sometimes in front of my daughter to this day. My daughter has been witness to some of the same things as I witnessed when I was her age. However, this time I have the power to get up walk out of my parents house and take my daughter with me out of safety concerns for her. Have I done it, oh yes, many times. I calmly ask her to grab a few things and we leave. I have left because of my dad and I have left many times because of my mom, and I’ve even had to call out the Sherriff’s office on them. My dad is a very loving and caring man however as his age has progressed he becomes less tolerant of many things. One Christmas I was forced to leave my own home because my dad tried to hit me with Brooke standing right there. I was able to fight him off as he was weak because of the radiation he had been undergoing.

This is the cycle I have chosen to break. Yes, sometimes I don’t punish Brooke in the manner that she needs it and will many times walk away. I would rather do that than have her feel the way I feel today. I do not want her to experience those kinds of things. Now, the girl has an attitude and she comes by it honestly. I tell her everyday how much I love her and how much I care about her. I take her to do things. She loves to go to the drive-in so during sometimes on the weekends we go see a movie…it just depends what is playing. This is something that we both enjoy. We don’t eat dinner and we go early enough to get their good ole chicken strip dinner with many things, sit in the car and eat, and then during the intermission before the second movie starts is when we go in get candy and sit in the car and enjoy each others company. We sometimes have date nights, just the two of us. At Christmas we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, then went Christmas light looking. That was oh so much fun that night. I take her to expensive places and then sometimes we go to places likes Chic-fil-a so she can eat and play. Colby and I talked last night and no matter what my mom tries OUR children will know how much they are loved. They will never have to doubt our love for them. I often do, and a lot of times when I tell my mom I love her, it’s not the truth. I have doubted that for a long time. What mother tries to do harm to their children and let their anger get in the way? My mother, she has tried to hurt us to the point of no return more than once. Trying to kill me when I was 12, then trying to break my neck when I was 13. She has beat the shit out of my middle sister which scared my oldest sister to the point of sleeping beside her bed one night making sure my sister was going to make it through the night. Now I want you to know that my dad is not perfect in any way, shape, form or fashion. He stood by that evening and did nothing while my mom beat the shit out of his daughter. Those kids were not bore from my mom, they were created out of love by my dad his first wife. My mom took over the raising of them when she and my dad got married.

I would never allow Colby to do those things to my children and he would not allow it either. You are suppose to protect, nurture, and love your children never causing harm or bringing harm to them. Isn’t that was being a parent is all about? You would think.

I was made to love YOU and I do!!!

2009-02-15T18:19:00.003-06:00

My love for you..

Is the most amazing love I have ever had for someone and the love I have felt in return is nothing I have ever experienced. It’s nice to love and be loved in return. Its just a simple favor of the heart but it can make us or break us. Spending the rest of my life with you is the ultimate sacrificial love. Sacrificing yourself to be with someone else is what I consider selflessness!!! How amazing. We’ve gone from loving ourselves to loving someone within us!!! I’m so excited with what’s going on in my life right now that I can not even stand it. I have found that love for someone else and been given it in return. I finally feel like I’m a complete being. God created someone just for ME to love and for that special someone to love ME!!! How can we even begin to comprehend that.

“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Gen. 2:18 American KJV

How amazing that God would create someone in an earthly body that would be my help meet as well. How awesome is our God. He has created an abundant life filled of love, joy, and strength just for me. He has created Colby to love ME!!! I feel so blessed that we were able to work out our differences and talk about spending the rest of our lives together. He has shown me more than anyone how much he truly wants it!!! I love that man with all my heart and he’s showing me more and more every day how it feels to be so loved, and I’d consider myself pretty spoiled!! He shows me his love in so many ways, whether it’s a two minute phone call to say, hey what are you doing? It lets me know that he’s been thinking about me and wants to hear my voice, and then after every conversation he says, “I love you”!!! We can not hang up the phone until those words are spoken and usually if I try and say bye he says it really fast so that I have to respond!!! He calls me when he’s on the road, he calls when he’s busy, and sometimes he calls just because!!! He texts me all the time!!! I love that man with all my heart!! I have realized that it is not good for me to be alone either and in turn God created a man for me!! A man that would plant a seed in my heart so long ago, care for, and nurture it with showers of love to watch it grow into this amazing flower!! I have enjoyed watching Colby grow as well, grow to love two people and not just one. Plant a seed in two hearts!!!

Thank you for watering, feeding, caring and nurturing my at first broken heart when I met you. You have grown to love me through the good times and the bad. The richer and poorer days and many of my bitchy moments. How could I possibly not love you for that. You are my life, you are my strength most days, and you along with Brooke are what I wake up for every morning!! You complete my soul, and every vessel of my body. You have made my heart whole and taught me how to love again, and I’m proud that someday I’ll be able to call you my husband.

I love you!

hmmm...

2009-02-08T00:22:00.002-06:00

things around here have been hectic and crazy.

Since I last blogged we've seen numerous amounts of doctors, dentists, and dermatologists....ummm..anyone seeing a trend, and they are all for BROOKE!!!

Yes, Brooke's asthma came up to bite us!! It's been a pain in my ass lately and I'm rather frustrated with it. She's had some teeth capped and refilled, due to the last dentists shotty work. Great. And now the dermatologist is mad beause her pediatrician didn't catch something before it got as bad as it did!!! Great!!!

I have turned 25....I'm a quarter of a century old and frankly I was not able to enjoy it as I was worshipping the porcelin gods the day before and really didn't feel for shit the day of my birthday. Just the way you want to spend it, holed up in your house sick. Not like it was an option because if the option had been there I would have been at home, however, it was not an option it was a must!!! No if, ands, or buts about it!!!

It's a wrap.

2009-01-02T02:22:00.003-06:00

Today apparently I'm also posting my 200th post...WOOHOO

Last year I did a re-cap of 2007, this year I bring you the re-cap of 2008

January- I met and began dating Gabriel. We all had fun as my sister started dating Jimmy as well at this time. We all had so much fun going out and hanging out together. I also began talking to Colby pretty heavily during this time as well. I found out that in May I would be graduating college. Brooke and I also stayed sick most of January and I started my last semester of school.

February – I thought I was in love with Gabriel, but soon you will find out otherwise. I talked to Colby for the very first time on February 2nd and that was amazing!!! Who knew that I would later fall in love with him and that this love would be the real kind of love. I received flowers from my sister for my birthday and that was awesome.

March – I didn’t post anything during this time, but the phone conversations and im’ing continued pretty heavily with Colby. Things with Gabriel started to become rocky, and I soon started to listen to what my friends had to say about that man and their suspicions. Brooke had her tonsils taken out and we celebrated Christ’s return with Easter. I spent Spring Break at home with little Miss Brooke while she recovered from her surgery. Poor thing.

April – Things between Gabriel and I became really bad when I confronted him about some things I had noticed, and I finally listened when people told me it was time to ditch him. The conversations with Colby became non-stop. Brooke turned four and I met Colby for the first time. It was truly love at first sight. The moment he walked through that door at my sisters I knew we’d be inseparable. I counted down the weeks until I’d be done with school, and I worked harder than ever to insure I’d graduate. I spent more time with Colby than I did with my own family during this time. We went and saw Finding Nemo on ice as a “family” and it was amazing.

May – I graduated college with the most important people right there in my cheering section. Colby told my parents that he loved me. He was soo good with Brooke during this time and I have a picture that he took of the two of them. They both look very tired. Of course we all were. I took a half day off work to do it. I also moved out of my parents house and into my new “home” with Colby where I would start a new life. And what an amazing life it would be. I lost my phone to the interstate as well, and began meeting Colby’s family, even though they’d already heard so much about me anyway.

June – I began realizing what my role was at home. A place I still very much consider it to be, that will always be home, and that will always be “our” bed. I took Colby to two family reunions where some bad things happened at the second one. I loved being there with him all the time, and spending time with him. However, I didn’t really realize how hard it would really be. I fell more and more in love with him. Father’s day was awesome as we had a huge pool party and bbq at the apartment complex.

July – We celebrated the fourth of July at Layne’s house and out by the pool as we swam, drank, and watched the fireworks go off downtown. That was amazing. The kisses under the fireworks…WOOHOO!!!! We lost our beloved hamster Rascal due to what we think was a stroke. It was sad and Colby had to do the hardest thing he’s ever done, and that was put the little girl down. We sat and cried as a family.

August – Colby lost a co-worker to a really bad accident involving one of their work trucks. That was a sad day around our house. We got a new little hamster.

September – I moved out of Colby’s house and back in with my parents. That was fun, let me tell you. Things with Colby became complicated. It was hard but soon got easier as the days and weeks went on. My sister got married as well to the most loving man ever, Jimmy!!!

October - My Uncle James went in for a routine hip replacement and didn’t walk out of the hospital, he died three days later due to a brain aneurism. Colby and I celebrated six months of being together, and that night with dinner and a movie was absolutely wonderful, child free. It was amazing. I just loved that time.

November – Things with Colby and I went south. It was not good for a while, but I would soon learn that when you back off things will go accordingly. I got sick and he got sick all in the same week. I discovered what it feels like to be heartbroken for the very first time. I didn’t know how badly your heart could hurt.

December – The situation with Colby soon started to turn around and got better. Now what will happen from here on out I’m not sure. I have spent a lot of time at my friends Kaily and Richie’s house here lately and it’s been amazing. I saw Colby for the first time in months in early December. That was interesting. Things didn’t go so well at first, but I knew with time he would turn back around. I knew he would come around, I was just being patient and waiting my turn.

And soo...

2008-12-31T13:45:00.002-06:00

we bid farewell to 2008 at midnight tonight. Remember all the fun we had, all the people we met, and the changes that were great.

Sometime next year...how weird...I will re-cap on 2008.

Glimpses

2008-12-06T00:27:00.001-06:00

I see some people going through the same thing that I've just recently been through myself. I was an angry, bitter person for a long time. Anger that was brought on by something that I did happen to have control over, but when the consequences turned into a blessing I failed to see it. That blessing is Brooke. I was angry at her father for a long time. I have since let that go. Upon meeting Colby I still had that anger and would often times take that out on poor little Brooke, like it was somehow her fault that he didn't want to be around. It's not her fault and it's not my fault and I have just come to discover that. He's made his decision and I can't force him to be something he's not. Would it be nice at times for him to be around, absolutely. But I can't be selfish and think about only myself in that situation. I have to think about the more obvious of questions. Would it be good and healthy for my daughter? Absolutely NOT!!! The questions others might consider are, would it benefit my bank account? To me there is no amount of money any one man could give me to compromise my daughters health, safety and happiness. There just isn't!!!

This has just posed another question in my mind. Why did I compromise my daughters happiness just to have a relationship with a man who wasn't willing to provide her with much to begin with. Yes, he did provide us with a home, fixed my car when needed, provided food, and a nice warm place to sleep. Was I happy, yes for a while, until things go rough with Brooke. I was too blind to see what he was doing to the both of us. I firmly believe that God has placed people in our lives to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. I have grown and seen how much I can do through all of this, and how much I've done for a long time. There for a long time I was working a full time job, going to school, and still meeting the needs of my daughter. Was it hard, absolutely, but we made it. I guilted myself for her behavior for a long time thinking that I was a terrible parent because I was goign to school, and working all the time while she was at daycare or being cared for by my parents. I enjoy the time I get to spend with her these days. Those days when she looks at you and says, "Mom, I wanna go to McAlisters and get something to eat, and I want to go in." Now what mom in their right mind can resist that. The girl just wants to have a nice sit down meal with her Mommy.

I can remember that when I first moved in with Colby, it was rush to get her and then not really be happy to see her, yet she was always delighted to see me, and then rush her home and start doing things around the house. I never took 5-10 minutes out to just be with her, and say you know what, those dishes can wait, the bathroom can wait, and if you want to eat, do it yourself. I know she suffered from this. This maybe where her behavior problems came in. It was her way to get attention because she wasn't getting it any other way. Most of the time all she wanted was for me to sit down and play with her. I did, if he wasn't there, but if he was there, we couldn't play because she wasn't allowed to drag out her toys into the living room, she might get in his way of game playing. Never again will I let these things happen to my daughter. It is my fault and I'm the parent who is to blame.
I
didn't know if I could raise a child by myself, but you know what I did it for the first 4 years of her life, I only had help for 6 months with her. I could go on another 10 years just her and I!!! I have survived, and we will continue to do it. Yes, there are times of financial roughness, but you know what, we've made it many times, and we can do it some more. I love my daughter and so long as you have love between you, money will never matter.

What do we know about love?

2008-12-01T08:47:00.002-06:00

We do know that when you fall in love its the most incredible feeling in the world. I have experienced that for myself. I fell in love with the most amazing man back in April and on November 12th, that all came to a screeching hault. Why do you ask? Because he kept a record of wrongs. Love keeps no record of wrongs. No tally sheets with the things that you've done and how many times you've done them. Love is kind. Kindness, hmm...what is that. He was kind all right when things were going his way. He loved me when Brooke wasn't around sometimes. Yes, we got to spend more time like that when my parents kept her, but do you know what. It wasn't quality time. Going to dinner, then coming home and watching him play Call of Duty...oh yes, it was a romantic evening for all involved. NOT. Often times I went to bed by myself, only to be awoken by the sounds of bombs going off and rapid gunfire. I understand that was his time to unwind. But did you know that he more often times than not got home way before we did, because I had to drive a million miles to go home, and he would not pick up that X-box controller until we got there. You would hardly ever come home to find him playing while we were gone and then get off because his "family" was home. You see, we did lots of things as a family. We went out, ate dinner, played outside, hung out, and you guessed it....we sat and watched as he played Call of Duty as a family. He wouldn't let Brooke drag out her toys and have a grand old time because she would get in trouble. He would pick the biggest battles with her instead of letting the small stuff go. I'm not saying that he was a bad dad, but he was always onto her. There are some things that she does, that don't really require that much harsh punishment, ie...the belt!!! Yes, dear friends, it became her best friend. It was hard to sit back and take there for a while. Knowing full and well that she did not respond to other forms of punishment....having her toys taken away. She often times would tell him that she didn't like him anymore. He never once said, that's okay because I still love you. He would never tell her that on his own, she had to tell him first. Now granted, I tell Brooke that all the time, because I do love her unconditionally. He was new to this being a "Daddy" business and was the one to tell me that I shouldn't correct her if she says it. Well, now I'm having to reverse that. I hope he understands how much he's let her down. How much she really did love him. How much she really does want her Daddy back.

Oh the things you'd like to know...

2008-11-24T23:51:00.002-06:00

I’m hanging in there. I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s been so hard. So rough. Some days I’m okay. Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock and dying. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where things aren’t really just about having fun and dating anymore. I’m looking for the man I’m going to marry. That one man that is going to sweep me off my feet. That one man that will love me and Brooke even with her four year old temper tantrums. That one man that she will want to play with and who will actually do it, even if it means that they have to play barbies or baby dolls with her. Who will sit on the couch and cuddle with her.
There are so many good things that have come from this.

I feel like I’ve grown closer to a lot of people. My dad and I talk about it all the time. I feel like I can call him up at anytime and just talk to him and inevitably I cry every time. He’s such a good dad and just tells me that I’m gonna be okay and that we are going to get through this. He’s been the world’s best dad forever. When I was pregnant with Brooke he was there for me through it all. He was so excited to have another grandbaby even though the circumstances weren’t ideal. He and Brooke are so incredibly close it’s unreal. I called him today and he just comforted me in knowing that we are going to get through this and that I will have learned many valuable lessons when this is all said and done. He constantly tells me that I’ll meet a man who will love me and Brooke unconditionally. I know that my daddy is right because well, I’m daddy’s girl, and he’s never lied or failed me!!!! I feel so blessed to have a dad like him.

I’ve always had a belief in God, but I can’t explain what’s happened here. I feel like I’m continuing to grow closer everyday to HIM. I feel like I’m starting to rely on HIM more and more. I know that He only gives you as much as He knows you can handle. That’s amazing, a God that knows when to stop and when to keep on pushing. He knows when you’ve had enough and you’re near your breaking point, then sometimes He keeps pushing just because He knows you won’t break but you will grow and become stronger from the experience. I feel like I’m growing and becoming stronger.

Breakups aren’t always easy and you can’t expect to be best friends again overnight. If you think that’s going to happen you are wrong. There’s going to be static and tension for a little while. There are going to be be harsh words said, and people are going to get hurt. But do not let your heart become cold and full of cobwebs, it’s then that you decide that you’ll never let anyone in. I feel so fortunate that I’ve had so many people there for me and caring for me. What an awesome thing!!! It’s so amazing. My friends have been incredible and so has my dad and sister. I don’t really talk to my mom about it much, I just can’t. I’ve never been close to her and I can’t really say that it’s going to change overnight. Relationships are hard, and breakups are harder especially when you’ve loved someone with everything you had. I’m going to give it time and see what happens. We shall see and only time will tell what will happen in the end.

Thanks again for everyone who’s been there to listen to me cry and talk about everything. You’ll never know how much it’s meant to me. I can not thank anyone enough for just calling and saying, hey I was thinking about you, are you alright. I will be okay, and I’m going to make it, but it’s going to take time to get myself there. I don’t understand sometimes, but none the less this is the way it’s going to be.

Day 3: Friends

2008-11-12T15:00:00.000-06:00

Today I'm thankful for: Friends

Friends have got to be the most amazing thing that God could have blessed us with. All our friends are different in some way, but they are all truly amazing!! Friends are those people that you can turn to when things get hard in your life. When things are going your way. When you need someone to just listen to you when you talk, instead of talking with you. Someone whose shoulder stays wet from you crying on it all the time. A friend is my most prized possession. Without my friends where in the world would I be today. I happen to be blessed with I'd say three of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Megan~ We have been through so much in the last year between the both of us, however, there were some things that came between us but those things are over now and we are back on good terms. I'm so thankful to have her back in my life. I love how we can talk and cry and be okay with it. We have been friends since we were SIX. How many of you can actually say that? We have been through many hard times together. I just hope that I've been there for her as much as she's been there for me. Now wouldn't that be amazing.

Callie~ We have been friends since we were seven or so. We've had some amazing times together and probably the most interesting definitely. We've done some pretty crazy things together and it's been so eventful and interesting...thats for sure.

Layne~ WOWZA. I don't think we need to go into details about our relationship, it's one that only we understand.

Day 2: Brooke

2008-11-11T15:00:00.000-06:00

Today I'm thankful for: Brooke

I'm thankful for that little girl because without her there is no telling where I'd be today. I'm amazed everyday by her love and innocence. Her thoughts are genuine and her love is REAL. If there is anything children can teach us, it's got to be real love. They are not biased based on anything going on, they either really do love you or they really don't. That little girl loves me more than anyone ever could. I don't know where I'd be without her here in my life. Yes, sometimes its hard to have her because I really missed out on that being young and partying, however, that's not what life is all about. I feel so blessed that God would trust me with the most precious life ever. She is on loan to me to raise to be the best person I can help her to become. Thanks kiddo for saving my life. Thank you for keeping me grounded everyday. Anyone who can sit down and say that life doesn't begin at conception is wrong. Life begins at that very moment. Just think what we'd all be missing if we didn't have that one person who meant the world to us in it.

17 days of things to be thankful for.

2008-11-10T21:39:00.003-06:00

I'm going to do my own thing and Countdown to Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for all the time, but typically it gets looked over. We tend to forget how much we have until we lose something so precious and dear to us. The past two years have not been very holiday friendly for my family, but this year I'm going to make the best of it.

Today I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who loves me and forgives me of my many sins. He is amazing and although I don't really like the things that He seems to have planned for me and my family, I still really enjoy having a heart full of God!!! He lives in the very crevices of my soul. He loves me soo much and gave His one and only Son to save ME. How amazing is that. He gave his SON to save me and to forgive me. It's been so hard to see that things don't always go the way I want them to, but they aren't supposed to work out in my time, but in HIS time. He keeps me grounded in a way no one ever could. I love going to church and worshipping Him and singing about Him in the car. I'm so thankful that I can show His love to my daughter as well.

Dear Mom & Dad,

2008-11-09T22:50:00.004-06:00

Thanks for making the Holidays a stressful time of year for everyone in our family. You have made it to where I could really care less about any of them because it's always so damn stressful.

Mom, you never help do anything, you sit on your ass and claim that you're back is hurting and what not. You order people around and then bitch when it wasn't done "right." I've gotten to the point where if I never have another family holiday I'd be fine with it. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells for you during this time. We can't even have a decent family freaking holiday because it's always about doing something to please you. I'm not about pleasing you anymore. I have a family now and I for once would like to do my own thing. Just for once without being freaking crucified for it. Why is it that when I finally have a boyfriend for the holidays and want to spend it with him, OMG...there is going to be a war because I need to spend it with my family. OMG...not everything is about your family. Where does MY family fit in? Oh wait, you are my family, but I have my own with Brooke now. Sometimes you make me want to hide in my room and not associate with anyone. I was so looking forward to not living with you during the holidays. If you think I'm going to sit in this house for two weekends in a row you are freaking WRONG!!

Dad, you act like an asshole because mom is being a bitch. Please stand up for yourself every damn once in a while. I know that due to some hormone therapy and the cancer you haven't been yourself in a while, I'm sorry for that, but please stand up for us too. You act like her being a bitch to your children during the holidays is okay. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not. She had abused us for long enough when we were younger, why the fuck don't you stand up for us now. When are you going to say enough is enough? It's time to let me go. Stay out of my personal business. If I think that you need to know something, I'll freaking tell you. It's MY LIFE. MINE and it's PERSONAL. My relationships have nothing to do with you. Stay out of them. If the both of you would quit freaking prying for information all the time, then maybe I'd be more willing to share with you what's really going on in my life. However, you can't seem to leave me alone about it, so you get no voluntary information anymore. Does it matter where I'm going to church? So long as I'm going and worshipping God, I don't think so. I'm going and you should be happy that we've found somewhere Brooke loves to go and that I enjoy as well. Just because I don't go to the same church or believe the same way you do anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going and worshipping the same exact God you do, I'm just doing it the way I've found that works for me.

Mom & Dad, You've got to begin to understand that I have a life and just because you're not in the middle of it or it doesn't involve you much anymore doesn't mean that I don't love you, it just means that I've gotten older and I really CAN do my own thing. I don't need you there to pick me up and dust me off with I fall anymore, or bandage my wounds. I can do all those things myself. You sometimes keep the wounds open. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean that I don't. My life has just changed a lot lately. My life now includes Brooke and someone that I love very dearly. I'm sorry if you don't like the fact that you've been "replaced" but it's going to happen sooner or later. Dad, I'll always be you're little girl, and know that you'll never take the spoiled out of me, because you've done such a good job at it. But please respect the people that I love the most. Respect that they do their damnest to make sure that me and Brooke are taken care of and are happy. Someone makes me very happy and I'm happy about that, but please cut the cord, Dad. It's time to let go, and it will be okay.

Mom, leave me the hell alone. I wish I had nice things to say to you and about you but unfortunately I don't. You have created this for yourself. You've made your bed, now I really hope that you have fun wallowing in your own self pity, because you're the only one that feels sorry for you. You're health problems are probably due to the fact that you don't do anything. When was the last time that you took a nice stroll down the street...oh yea...I can't even remember the last time that you actually left the house just to get out. Go somewhere every once in a while and quit wondering why you're back always hurts, if you'd get off your ass and do something, it probably wouldn't.

Please know that Christmas will be spent with Brooke and I. I'm ready to do our own thing and it starts this year.

Kids

2008-11-02T20:35:00.001-06:00

Kids can be such a catch 22. Whether it be in everyday relationships or work. Kids can put a kink in a lot of things. I'm not really sure when all of this worked out that way.

Since...

2008-10-26T14:02:00.003-05:00

It's been a week and a half since I last posted. I guess I'll fill you in with some other news.

Life...wow, life has a way of waking you up and kicking in the pants all at the same time. Just when I thought things in my life were getting better, someone decided to put a huge hole in my heart. I haven't really been able to come to terms with all of this for a little while, but now I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to understand that all things happen for a reason and that we can't always be in control of a situation.

I'm not angry with God as to why my uncle has left this earth and gone to a better place. I'm angry with myself that I decided that dinner with Colby was more important to celebrate six months of us being together rather than going to have dinner with my family for what ended up being the very last time I would have been able to speak to my uncle while he was alive. I'm angry that I didn't just take that little bit of time out of my day and say yes, I'd love to go have dinner with you guys, knowing that James is going into surgery tomorrow. Who knew it'd be my last chance to talk to him. Everyday, I see things and I think man I wish he were alive to be able to ask him that. I saw something the other day and I said, oh I'll ask my Uncle James...problem is that I just want to hear his voice. I feel really guilty and I hope that God punishes me for not taking the time out of my day to just go be with my family for what was the last time. I've never been angry at God, I just know that if it hadn't have happened at the hospital, there was a very good possibility that it would have happened at the golf course or at his office. Its very hard to now come to terms with all of this having been able to clear my mind for a week. I miss him more and more everyday, and realize that it's really important to keep the memory of him alive for Brooke and his grandson Drew. Brooke is only 4.5 but she remembers him. Drew just turned 4 and probably won't remember that much about Grandpa.

We went over there to my aunts house last week and it was so quiet. His chair was very empty, the house was too quiet and I just missed the hell out of him. His watch sat on the dresser. The watch he's probably had for like 10 years or so, I don't think I've ever seen him without it. My cousin was playing with his range finder, and its so hard to see his things everywhere. The truck was in the garage. His stuff all around us, the music that he loved the most. That favorite chair that he was always sitting in. His name still comes up on the caller ID, and that's when it's the hardest.

Needless to say that I feel super guilty for not going that Saturday and having dinner with them. That's the place that HE wanted to go that evening. I miss him and I just hope that the grieving process gets easier. I know that in time it will. His birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are going to be especially hard this year. I know that with family it will all be better.

I love you and I miss you Uncle James.

God got an AMAZING man in heaven tonight

2008-10-15T03:23:00.001-05:00

Last night my Uncle James went to be with the Lord. He made his tee time in heaven. On Monday he had what was just a routine hip replacement, and on Tuesday he had a brain aneurism. We all want to know how it is that you go in for one thing thats so routine and you don't get to come back out. That man meant the world to me and to see him hooked up to all those tubes and stuff was not easy. My dad has been so good to us kids through this whole ordeal. We've tried to help out and take care of all the things that we can. If we need to go get food, or just be a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks to all who prayed for my family. We really do appreciate it. We know that the Lord was with us yesterday as he called James to be with him. Welcome home James!!!! Know that you were a well loved man and I was proud to call you my uncle and honored to be there with you yesterday for the last time. I know that I'll see you again in heaven someday. Would you save me a seat beside you?

I have to say that Colby has been the best at just listening to me cry for the past couple of days. He's been the best boyfriend ever. I honestly don't know how I would've done had he not been around. It's been hard but he's handled it pretty well, and he's never once told me to suck it up. I hate death, and I've never really met anyone who enjoyed it anyway. Its just such a shock. Thanks honey for listening to me cry and just being there to comfort me and Brooke. We love you sooo much and you've made this experience a little less painful by just being someone on the outside willing to listen. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but thanks for continuing to love me through it all. I love you alot.

Six months and more.

2008-10-13T06:48:00.002-05:00

We had the most fun the other night on our date without the little one. We went to dinner at this Italian place that we absolutely LOVE here, and then we went and saw the new movie "Fireproof". That was such a good movie and I suggest it for anyone. You don't just have to be trying to work out a marriage. You could be trying to work out a friendship or just a relationship like mine and Colby's. I'm so glad that we went and saw it. I think it gave us a new appreciation for one another. It has some good things to keep you thinking. I loved it.

I love that man with all of my heart. You have no idea. I wish everyone knew how amazing he was. He is just incredible. He never complains, and I usually just go along with what he wants to do. I'm pretty easy like that. I'm normally not the movie type, however, sitting next to him was so much more meaningful than say if my sister and I went. I realized how much I really do love him even after all that we've been through. I'm so glad that the last six months have been the best six months of my life. I can't imagine having spent them without him. He is the most kind, gentle, caring, and loving man ever. When I say "I love you" I'm not just going through some motion, it's because I really truly love him. I love everything about him, faults and all. You can't just love a few things about a person, you have to learn to love all of them. Whether they're missing a tooth, an eye, finger, whatever you have to love all of them. You can't just love them because they're handsome. Although, that's the best part. I fell in love with the most handsome man ever, and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend. No, he wasn't what I had expected when I first met him, but none the less I got to know the REAL him before, his personality, and that's what I fell in love with, who knew that I'd get the WHOLE package.

I need to get ready for work and pack my things and say adios to this place for another day. Please keep my uncle in your prayers as he is having a hip replacement today.

The most amazing six months of my life.

2008-10-11T00:00:00.003-05:00

WOW, who knew I'd make it this long with one man. After about 3 weeks I get tired and move on, sometimes I make it four months then get tired and move on. However, after SIX MONTHS, I'm not tired and I'm not ready to move on. There have been a roller coaster of emotions that have happened in the last six months, but I'm not turning lose of them, I'm going to cherish every bit of it.

Colby and I finally met on April 11 the day before Brooke's birthday party and have been quite inseparable since. He's been there for Brooke's birthday party, my graduation, Nemo on Ice, move out, move in, move back out day. He's been there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and gotten dirty. He's been there to watch Brooke grow. He's supported me through school, and life, and bad times with my family. He's been my rock through most of it. Even before we started dating and were just talking all the time. He was there to help me through the Gabriel thing. He even told me in the end that I needed to get away from him, boy am I glad I finally listened to him, after all of those months that he listened to me cry about it. He emailed me first about the middle of January and we've been talking on the phone since Superbowl Sunday. He blamed me for the ear infection he had. I'd been so sick and he claimed that he got it too via the internet. hahhhaha. We tried to meet up several times, like I invited him to the drive in with Brooke and I, and he fell asleep on the couch. Then I invited him to the Ranch with me and some friends, but he forgot his wallet, and then someone else called and said he was in town, so I thought it'd be best that he didn't come, you don't want to stir up trouble when it's not necessary. Everytime we tried to meet it didn't work out. It was so disheartening, however, it all worked out in God's time, not mine and not his. I hope that I've supported him half as much as he's supported me. I know that I've been a pain in the arse sometimes, but hey, who isn't.

He has supported me through the most precious time in my life...SCHOOL!!! He was there to help me out some days with my machine homework and to tell me what stuff meant. He was there to help me design my house and download some software. He was there telling me that I needed to go to class and not stay with him sometimes, as much as I wanted to. He often times came to town to hang out with me after class. I remember the first official dinner date we went on. He took me to Cracker Barrel. What a dinner that was, I LOVED every bit of it, and he made me laugh like no other. Then we kissed in front of my sisters door. I have to say that we have not been apart like this in a long time and it's super hard. But when we get together it's a good time had by all. We like to watch movies and just cuddle. It's sooo much fun. I LOVE it all.

The most important thing is that he's never quit loving ME and BROOKE. He's been the best "Daddy" to Brooke, something she's NEVER had. She loves him soo much and when we aren't there she misses him a lot. When we go over there she doesn't want to leave. She loves that man with everything she has. I love when she walks up to him, gives him a hug and says, "Daddy, I love you." I know it's hard on him sometimes, but it's been an amazing journey and I hope that the journey never ends. I remember when he told me that he wanted us to move back to my parents house that it just wasn't working there. It was so hard on the both of us, but we've made it. He told me at that instant that it didn't mean that he wanted us out of his life, but this is what we needed. I've come to appreciate him that much more by being honest with me about that situation. I love him so much and I can't imagine life without him at this point. Where these next months will lead us I'm not really sure but I hope the months turn into years. It's been so incredible.

I'm so thankful and I feel super blessed to have him in our lives. Tonight we are going to have dinner by ourselves without Brooke. We need the time to just be ourselves.

Here are some pictures to document some of the things we've done.

Park Time....

2008-10-10T19:56:00.002-05:00

Park time with Terry, Jr. was so much fun this evening. Brooke loves him soo much and they miss each other soo much. I am just now starting to get to know Terry because I haven't seen him since I was probably 4 or so years old. It's been hard living without that side of my family and I feel like I'm getting to know them so much better as I get older. I love my dad's side of the family and it's a shame what was done to us so many years ago, by being taken away from them. It makes me soo sad. Terry felt it necessary to take Brooke to Dennis the Mennis Park this evening since I haven't really taken her there ever. I hate that park, it's getting old and the City isn't really taking care of it really well anymore. It's getting more and more ghetto all the time...of course once you consider the area of town that it's situated in, you can understand why. I always remember going there in grade school as a big class. They would take us to the fire station and then to the park, it was good times had by all. I loved it always.

It was good to watch the kid in him with the kid in Brooke. It's amazing. He was running and jumping and playing. He's just a 35 year old kid. Yes, I am by far the baby on both sides of the family. I am the youngest of the grandkids on either side. It sucks, yes it does. He was telling me stories of what his dad, my uncle Brad and my dad used to do with him sooo many years ago. WOW, that's pretty amazing.

Tomorrow I celebrate six months, yes dear friends, I've been in love with the most amazing man for the last six months. It's hard to imagine, because usually between 3 weeks and 4 months I let them go. So six months with Colby is pretty amazing. We have a dinner date tomorrow night and I'm totally excited. I love that man with my WHOLE heart!!!! You'll have to tune in tomorrow to see what the last six months have been like, I think you'll be pretty amazed, because I know I am. Back to remembering.

Well, Brooke is trying to kill herself on that bicycle of hers so I suppose I should quit typing this and try and save her life...hmmm!!!!

Good night America!!!

A few more things...

2008-10-05T19:38:00.003-05:00

We are awaiting the arrival of the most wonderful boyfriend in the world. He's at church helping out. I could not be more thankful to be dating a Christian man. It makes the world go round. I'm so glad that one Sunday I decided to go to church with him and I've been HOOKED every since. I love going to that church. I really do. I love that on Sunday mornings Brooke comes and wakes us up and begs us to go to church. I love that she comes to ask every day of the week if its Sunday yet. I love how he makes us feel when we go as a FAMILY. Yes mom and dad, that's what we consider ourselves, a FAMILY, like it or not. Celeste you too. I love that this weekend she's been HOOKED ON DADDY. If she can't go with him somewhere she is absolutely SADDENED. It's amazing. I LOVE IT. He's been the biggest blessing to our lives. One I couldn't have asked for at a perfect time. He's been everything I've NEVER had. There have been some pretty remarkable ones in the things they did, but NEVER in my life have I been with the most WONDERFUL, AMAZING MAN. He's everything the rest of them aren't, hence why I'm still with him. After all we've been through he's continued to love Brooke and I more than ever. This weekend has been incredible. Friday night I came over and we had a good time sans Brooke. Last night we came over here and went to dinner, watched a movie, and went to bed. Today we went got up, went to church, I went and got lunch, and we watched the race on TV, which by the way Tony Stewart DIDN'T REALLY WIN. But he won by DEFAULT. It was gay and Smith should've won, fair and square. Then we are fixing to go to dinner when he gets back from Church. I absolutely LOVE that he is involved with the Media Ministry. I want to become more involved, I've just got to take a little more initiative. I would like to get involved with the kids in some way, whether its working in the nursery or doing something else. Maybe the older kids is where I need to be. I'm not sure yet, I'm still asking God where He wants me. He'll lead me to where I need to be. He's lead me thus far, I know that so long as I believe in Him it will all work out.

Sometimes that's the hardest part is giving EVERYTHING to God. Let Go & Let God!!!

Patience IS a virtue

2008-10-04T10:21:00.002-05:00

Whoever said patience is a virtue is correct. I have tried to be more patient with things this week, and you know what it really has paid off. Things are getting better and better with Colby and I. Last night we had a kid free evening and that was nice. It was nice to find out who we were together again without Brooke, instead of being parents all the time. When I go over there we really don't get to enjoy much "us" time. Where we can just sit and talk or sleep, watch tv, whatever. We enjoy having a night out where we usually go to eat and then go home and watch a movie. That's always fun for us, because we don't get to do it very often at all. Colby has been sick all week, so going out to eat wasn't really an option as he wasn't that hungry. We ate at the same place, just at different times. It was soo nice to find ourselves again, and who we were together instead of who we were as a family. I love that man with everything I have and everything I am. It so amazing to start to get back to where we once were. A time to be ourselves again. It's been rough and there have been some hard times, but you know what, if I just have patience, which is really hard, it'll all work out just the way its suppose to.

Thank you for the best evening last night. Listening to the game with you and just laying on the couch was great. I loved just hanging out with you. Even if we really didn't do anything, it was still great. I love you very much and if I would just be more patient you would show how much you really love me, which you did last night.

Oh the things I know...

2008-09-29T16:50:00.003-05:00

There are a few things that I know because I've figured them out.

I know that my daughter is the best thing to happen to me. I love that little girl more than life itself.

I know that the Almighty Father is my very best friend and he has shown that to me soo much lately.

I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle. If He can bring you to it, He WILL bring you THROUGH it.

I know that I have the two most amazing sisters in the world.

I know that my boyfriend is the love of my life and I really hope it works out with him.

I know that if I'm not careful in the things I do and say, I will lose him forever, and frankly I don't want that.

I know that I have a co-worker that is a great friend and more motherly than my own mom can be sometimes. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder many times Sue.

I know that Colby's best friend just had the worlds cutest baby. Welcome to the world Draven Zane.

I know that without my very best friend Megan, my world would fall apart. For she has held me together like duct tape sometimes, and she's healed more open wounds than she'll ever know about.

I know that I'm thankful to have Colby in mine and Brooke's life. For that is man is her daddy.

I know that I'm grateful to have a Heavenly Father to love me so much and to comfort me through some super hard times.

I know that I'm blessed to have an earthly father who also loves me very much and can comfort me in ways that are impossible to others. Thanks for letting me be a 24 year old daddy's girl.

I know that the man I love is very wise and sometimes he says things that simply amaze me. I can not worry about the future but I can not change the past.

I know that as of TODAY my dad is CANCER FREE!!!!

I know that my neices and nephew are a bigger part of my life than somedays I care to admit. I'm so glad that I have the privaledge to be called AUNT Kourtney!!!

I know that I'm grateful for the people in my life and the things I have, because without the many life experiences I would have neither gained or lost any of them.

I surrender

2008-09-26T21:11:00.000-05:00

Through everything that has been going on in my life, the chaos...I feel like there is peace. This has been my anthem through this whole ordeal.

It's time for me to breath in and LET GO. God will provide and he will take care of me and my family through all of it. It's taken a few weeks to get to this point, but everytime I hear this song, it reminds me that if He can bring us to it, He CAN and WILL bring us THROUGH it. Our God is an AWESOME God. He has been there for me more than I care to admit somedays. It's definitely time to re-evaluate who I really am. Time to find myself again. I had abandoned all that I had and I did it for a long time. I had grown further apart from my sister and my family and it caused a lot of tension a lot of ways. I had grown further apart from my main priority, Brooke. I had become closer to God each day, just thinking Him for the wonderful life I was living. But was it really wonderful? Not that living with Colby was a bad thing, but we weren't doing it for the right reasons. I love him very very very much. We are still together, still going to church. None of that is changing, but I've got to find myself again. He's creating so much chaos in my life but somehow there IS peace.

Its time to face up and clean up my heart, clean my heart from the cobwebs that have formed there over time, causing my heart to harden towards a lot of things. My heart is GOD's home...it's time to clean up this old house. Time to make more room for Him again.

I surrender.

Lyrics to Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) :
Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

I...

2008-09-19T11:25:00.000-05:00

I am: a mom

I dream: of that magical walk down the aisle to that someone I love

I think: Brooke was sent to save me

I know: I can be a real bitch sometimes

I want: to know what the future has in store for me

I have: the most loving sister, dad, daughter, and Boyfriend

I wish: things wouldn’t have happened the way they did

I hate: when people don’t pick up their feet

I miss: Colby

I fear: that I might lose him for good

I feel: anxious, and I’m not sure why

I hear: the love in Brooke’s voice

I smell: like I just showered

I crave: sopapilla cheesecake

I search: for acceptance from my parents

I wonder: what HIS plans are next

I regret: taking Colby with me that one Sunday

I love: my daughter, my life, my family, and my boyfriend

I ache: for a kiss and a hug from the one I love

I care: for others, but often forget myself

I always: try to make it seem like mommy is okay when I’m really not

I am not: always right

I believe: in God and all things He created. I also believe that He has a plan for ME

I dance: wherever and whenever

I sing: at the top of my lungs

I cry: more than I should

I don’t always: things happen for a reason.

I fight: for what I believe in.

I write: when I need to get something off my chest.

I win: at being loved

I lose: my patience often

I never: thought I’d fall in love with a man who works in the oilfield

I confuse: myself more often than not

I listen: when I should

I can usually be found: at work, my sisters, or Colby’s, hardly ever at my parents

I am scared: of losing him

I need: to count my blessings more often

I am happy: about life

I desire: to be a better person

I hope: that things work out for us. If it’s in God’s plan it will.

Thanks Lou for something to write about today.

Change...

2008-09-18T22:59:00.003-05:00

I don't really like change and I don't really adapt all that well unless it's something that I'm adament or super comfortable about. This weekend I got the news that it wasn't going to work with Colby and I living together. Things had gotten really bad with my parents and it wasn't Colby or anyone else's fault but my own. I had allowed things to become super bad and standing up for myself and my family wasn't something I had learned to do at an early age because everytime I tried I just got shot down. It sucked. It was time. Somethings happened a couple of weekends ago that involved my parents, Colby, Brooke, and I. It was not good for her to be a witness to the things that happened to Mommy & Daddy!!!! I was baffled at the scene in my parents house, and I was so glad to go home. Now I'm home to my mom & dad's house. I don't want to be here, but this is what we felt needed to happen. I needed my mom & dad just like Colby needs his. Brooke needed to feel the love of her grandparents instead of the hostile environment that was frequent when we were all together. We felt this was a despirate attempt to salvage the relationship that we have. It's been great, living with someone else, however, I'd like to live on my own sometime soon. That is something I have yet to do in my young life.

I miss going home to somewhere that I can have fun and hang out with my friends. A place where Brooke has a couple of playmates for the evening. A place where I can go hide away if all isn't well in my world. It was "our" space. It wasn't all that big or fancy, but it was a place to call home. A place that was filled with love and you could feel it when you walked in the door.

I love Colby very much and although I haven't always agreed with what he's said or done, I still love him. I'm sure he hasn't agreed with my things either. I honestly and sincerely can say that I can't imagine him not being a part of my life forever. I love that man with all I have, and all I am. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone. He loves Brooke unconditionally and she loves him the same. She's excited about getting to spend some time with her Daddy and not seeing mommy & daddy crying this weekend. She's excited to go see him. When I first got the news I fought to stay, fought to try to make it work, but there were other plans in store. When we told Brooke that mommy & her would be moving back to Meme & Poppi's house, she cried. She didn't want her daddy to stay there. She wanted him to go with us. It was hard on Colby to fight not to make us go.

I love you Colby very much and I can't imagine my life without you in it. You are the most amazing man ever. I love you for WHO you are not what you are. I love sitting and playing with you or joking and cutting up, or just laying there talking when it's time to go to bed. Those are the things I miss. I miss coming home to your loving touch, and your sweet kisses. I miss you but this weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!!! I love you very very very much!!!

Now isn't that man at the top just the most handsome thing. It doesn't matter if he's wearing his space glasses or wearing his hard hat!!! I love him!

September 11, 2008

2008-09-11T08:26:00.002-05:00

Today we remember the victims of a senseless tragedy on American soil. I choose to remember someone special today as I do every year. He was a dad, a husband, a brother, and a son. He is remembered by me on this special day. Please go visit my post about Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. Lets pay all these fine men and women who lost their lives a nice tribute today, because after all, it's their day.

I can tell you exactly where I was on this day 7 years ago. I was sitting in first period when I went to go collect attendance, one of my principals found me and asked if I had seen or heard about what was going on. I said no and he quickly filled me in. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was done. I remember all the small details about that day. I remember wondering if a family member was okay as he worked in the Pentagon. Come to find out he had just left minutes before the "plane" hit the pentagon. He went back inside to help get people out. Countless people lost their lives at the hands of others who were using America's resources and would eventually pay us back in the worst way ever.

Lets honor the people who lost that fight today. Make America proud.

To honor someone for many years to come if you wish to do so, go sign up at http://www.dcroe.com/2996 .

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

WOWZA!!!

2008-08-24T15:47:00.002-05:00

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. I'm starting to see how things are going in everyone else's world however. I know I haven't provided the coverage I should have sometimes, but other times it's quite easy to let eveyone into my life and what's going on. Since the last time I blogged, which was when our hamster left our presence we've gotten a new hamster, had a few differences, and Colby has lost one of his co-workers to a terrible accident, and my car is up and running again.

Lets start with the new addition. She is absolutely precious and so much more well behaved than Rascal ever was. She hasn't really bitten anyone badly as of yet, but she squeaks at us to let us know that she is not happy. She is so very outgoing and I just love it. She's so sweet. She likes to go swimming so we fill up the bathroom sink and let her go. She gets bath's frequently, and she loves that too!!! She likes to play dead sometimes as well. It's so funny. Colby doesn't like her color but he absolutely loves her personality, which I do too. She's soo funny all the time, and goofy. When she cleans herself she'll clean whoever is holding her as well. It's so awesome. She's pretty young but I don't really know how young but she's still pretty little. SHe's soo funny and we love it.

Colby lost a co-worker in a super bad accident where they flipped the truck. It ended up crushing his skull. This happened Last Saturday. The phone rang and rang and rang off the hook and it was sad and hard to watch him go through that. All I could say was I'm sorry and those weren't even words that could begin to scratch the surface on how he felt, or even begin to comfort him during that time. I love him alot and it gave me a new appreciation for him. I love him sooo much and I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Things have been a little rocky but you know what, we're going to make it so long as we continue to work out our differences instead of letting them build up until we both get soo mad that it all comes crashing down at once. It's hard but we're going to get there. TOday has been excellent I'd say.

The wheel bearing on my car went out about 3 weeks ago and that was a nightmare. Colby fixed it and I couldn't be happier. At first they gave us the wrong part and that is rather agravating, but he took it back and got the right part which is good. He fixed it on Friday and I'm so thankful that I have a handy man in my house.

Brooke is doing good and will start school in a year. I'm not really getting excited about school shopping. I'm glad that Colby likes to school shop apparently from what he told me on Saturday. SO I suppose he can take her...ahhahhahahah!!! I'm not going. I HATE IT!!

Anyway, that's the update to my life.

The hardest things in life are death!!!!

2008-07-27T17:01:00.003-05:00

Today we looked in Rascal's cage, our hamster, and Colby noticed that she was breathing very heavily and she looked very scared. He picked her up and she was super scared looking. She couldn't move and looked to be having convulsions. It's hard to see your pet going through that and suffering until they die. Colby and I had to make probably the biggest decision of our lives. Do we let her die naturally or do we help her out? Neither one of us could stand to see her suffering so we opted for the latter of the two decisions. We decided on the time and I went to the bathroom and while I was in there the deed was done. I walked back into our bedroom and saw Colby crying. She was already cold as she layed there so peacefully. She was not suffering anymore, but that was the hardest thing Colby has ever done. He told me that himself. Being the man I suppose he felt obligated to do such a thing. I know it was hard for him. He got a box and we told Rascal that we loved her and that we missed her. We went and found Brooke and let her know the news. She was very upset as we all huddled together and cried for the loss of Rascal. It's definitely been a challenge to be a family and make this decision because if I had to do it on my own she would have been left there to die on her own. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. It was super hard for him I know and I love him even more because we decided as a family what was best for our pet. I LOVE YOU COLBY!!!

There was this boy and this girl...

2008-07-08T11:01:00.002-05:00

So there once was this boy and this girl who talked for four months before they met in person. They had tried and tried to get together, but it never worked out, until one fateful day. The girl was cleaning her sister’s apartment trying to get it all ready for her daughter’s birthday party the next day. She decided that today was the day that she and this boy were to meet for the very first time face to face. She invited him over to her sisters apartment where her and her daughter where cleaning. He knocked on the door and the door quietly opened and the most handsome man ever was standing on the other side of that door. They never shook hands or introduced themselves, for they knew all along who one another one. They simply gave each other a huge hug, and the girl was totally excited. She wanted to kiss this boy who was looking so handsome in his orange shirt that had blue stripes. A very nice shirt the girl thought, in his favorite pair of 20x jeans, and boots. His hair was nicely combed and gelled. She fell in love with him the minute he walked through that door. You see this girl was dating someone else at the time and didn’t want to kiss the boy, but a few days went by and they started seeing more and more of each other until they went on this date and when we got back to my sisters we kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever. That girl and that boy have been inseparable every since.

Yes, dear friends this is the story of Colby and I. I love this man with everything I have and everything I am. He is the most amazing man ever, and I love the fact that we are a family now. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. I love going home to him after a hard day’s work because he always makes me feel so incredibly special. He doesn’t mind showing affection for me in public. He is the most amazing man to Brooke!!! It truly is incredible. I love living with him and saying goodnight yet knowing that when I wake up in the morning it’s him beside me.

Colby, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend than what you’ve been to me, and a better “father” to Brooke!! She loves you soo much even when she says she doesn’t because you made her mind!!! I love you and I’m not going anywhere in life without you right there by my side. You were there for the second most important even in my life, graduation, and you’ve continued to stick it out with me, during everything. I know I can be a pain at times, but I truly do love you!!!!

So frustrated...

2008-06-10T21:15:00.003-05:00

HELP!!! I get so frustrated sometimes I don't know what to do. I want to spend time with him in the evenings, when Brooke is swimming is the perfect time for us to just forget about everything and talk. I don't know what to do. All I ask that at least once a day he come out and talk, I get tired of doing everything by myself and him doing everything by himself and then we never have any time together. It's stupid and it sucks. Then when I say something about it everything goes to shit. I don't have a problem with him doing his own, but damn I come home cook and take care of Brooke and do whatever else needs to be done. I suppose thats the difference between him having two balls and me having two boobs. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?! He just wanted to go play Call of Duty, which is fine, but he can't do it when we're around because "we get in his way." Okay, that's great so when told that he could go inside and play CoD4 he's like no because you're going to be mad. I told him that I could get glad in the same pants I got mad in. It must be nice to be able to just do your own thing, but when do I get time?! Really, I don't ask for much so the least he can do is try and spend some time with me. The time we have is us laying in bed talking about everything that happened or our feelings or something. It sucks and I don't want to talk about everything at 11:30 while we're laying in bed. While Brooke is playing in the pool is the perfect opportunity for us to just sit and talk while she's occupied with something else. I understand that sometimes in the evening's it's hot here and he's been outside all day long in the heat, I do understand that, but this evening was nice. It's not like I was asking for a million dollars. Although, when I told him that I hated taking her swimming when some of the guys and their kids are out there he seems like it's no big deal.

Now granted I also understand that he's not used to having kids around all the time like with us living here now, and I respect that and we talked about that last night. But I'm trying to teach him and show him things and I feel like I get shot down. I was invited to something on Thursday night and I can't go because I have nothing to do with Brooke yet I'm not going to ask him to keep her either. She'd be cooped up in the house while, I was out having a good time with my girlfriends. I don't know what to do. It's so scary and sometimes I just want to give up, yet I know I can't. I'm not going to give up and regret it for the rest of my life. We have to work through it, we have to if it's going to work.

I don't know what to do, yet here is my post because I don't know what else to do and it won't be up for very long.

Kiss that special someone and tell them that you love them.

I LOVE YOU CDT!!!

WOW!!!

2008-05-23T11:45:00.003-05:00

Yet again it's been a while since I blogged.

I have since the last time, caught up with an old friend, currently working on moving out of my parents house, gone back to church regularly, and I've fallen in love with the most amazing man ever. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I wish everyone could understand, but unfortunately they won't.

We are currently looking for a bigger place to live, considering right now we are in a one bedroom that is seriously small, but we're living. I'm excited about the "new life" and the new road I'm on. I don't know where it will take me but so long as it's somewhere nice and safe where people love me then I don't really care. Not that my family doesn't love me but I'm super ready to start a new life!!! Super ready. We submitted an application to rent the most beautiful little condo ever!! SO CUTE!! It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage, big kitchen, little living room, laundry room. It's very cute and affordable, and I forgot to mention that it has an atrium. The master bathroom is super cool. You walk in and the side of the tub is level with the floor, so it's sunk in. Very cool!!! The master bedroom is large as well. I love the front door, it's individual panels of stained glass, very pretty, and old like. We are excited, however, I'm not going to get too excited because if we don't get it I don't want to be disappointed, if you know what I mean. I'm not going to set myself up for getting all worked up over nothing. If we don't get it we'll find something new.

Anyway, so Megan and I went to our favorite Chinese food place the other day, and it was grand. I haven't been there since she left. If you recall or maybe you're new so you don't know but we used to eat there every Friday and we started something called Fortune Cookie Friday. We got our fortune cookies this go round, and wouldn't you know it, they were BOTH EMPTY!!! Yes, we had no fortune, neither one of us. We don't know what that means, do you? Is that good or bad?

I hope everyone has a safe and fantasic Memorial Day weekend, I know I'm looking forward to it!!!

Kourt.

Months...

2008-04-18T14:02:00.003-05:00

I haven't posted in nearly TWO MONTHS. WOW!!!

SO much to catch everyone up on, considering no one reads my blog anyway.

Where shall I begin. Lets start with the post below me.

That relationship is no more. There was NO communication at all. That makes for a not very good relationship at all. We never talked. We sat there and watched TV and if I talked he ignored me. I was tired of him being gone all the time but what really pissed me off was that when he would go out of town, he wouldn't call and he wouldn't answer his phone. No we're not talking overnight friends, we're talking for FOUR days he would be gone and wouldn't call or anything. It kind of makes a girl wonder what's really going on while he is gone!!! So I asked to talk to him about all those things and I haven't heard from him again in several days, so I'm assuming it's over.

About a month ago I found out that I will be a college graduate on May 9th. WOOHOOO!!! I've worked so hard to get to this point with working, going to school, and taking care of Brooke. It's been an amazing adventure but I'm sure glad for it to be over with.

Brooke had her tonsils taken out the first of March, and wow, I'm so glad to have a semi-healthy child again. It's amazing. We were home for a week and that was interesting. I've never spent a Spring Break at home with her. It was great fun but I sure was glad to get back to work.

I can't really think of anything else. So I suppose that's it.

Been a wild two months and I'm so glad for it to be gone!!!!

I have been talking to this awesome guy Colby, and he's been around, came to Brooke's birthday party. Oh yes, and she turned Four on the eighth. I can't believe how big she has gotten and how much she's grown up. Anyway, we are going to try to wait to start anything until I'm done with school. That's not whats getting in the way, but I think it's important to focus on school and not on a guy right now. My main priority is getting the heck out of there, because I'm READY!!!!!!

What is Love?

2008-02-22T15:13:00.000-06:00

We all sit and wonder if we'll ever meet Mr. Right, or will he just be Mr. Right now? Then we ask ourselves, what is love? There is no definition of love. Everyone's definition is different. I love this man to the left and there is no doubt about it. We can be doing nothing and we would both be happy just to be in each other's presence.

What he says sums it all up. "I could never leave the one that makes me laugh." I was told this after I found out that he had been in the hospital for two days and I had NO idea!!!! I miss him when he's gone, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know how and I definitely can not explain it, but it does. I don't love him because he has a great job, his good looks, or because he satisfies me in any other way than emotional, those things are just perks. I love him because even I can stay with him for a night, we can snuggle and the moment I get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, he asks, "where are you going sweetie?"
I love him because I get to call him and wake him up in the mornings so his voice is the first one I hear and he the same. I love him because even when he's super busy at work I can call and talk to him about whatever is bothering me and I know that when I start to cry he is going to be there for me. He will take the time out of his busy schedule to talk to me, no matter what. I love this man because he loves Brooke, and he cherishes that she loves her mommy. I love him because he's just him. He doesn't put on a front to try to make everyone like him, if you don't then screw you. That's just the way he is, what you see is what you get. I love him because even at four thirty in the morning when he leaves for work, he kisses me and tells me to be careful. I love him because he tells me these things not matter where I'm going. I JUST LOVE HIM FOR HIM!!! These things are hard to say because I think we're both just waiting for the other to say it at this point, and I'm not going to say it first. I catch myself wanting to, but I also know I don't want him to run either. I don't want to lose the one good thing in my life right now and that is him. I have Brooke and she'll always be a HUGE part of my life, but at this moment in time and for the last month, he's played a HUGE role in mine and Brooke's life.

No he wasn't able to make it home on Valentine's day, but you know what I was grateful he called. Grateful that no matter what I got to talk to him. It is so hard to get mad at him because he can make you laugh in the same sentence he made you mad in. It's amazing. He makes me laugh and even people at my office have said that I'm much happier with him. They can see it in me. I smile more, I laugh more, and I'm just myself more. I am relaxed with him, and it's amazing!!! I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!

I stayed the night last night, and you know what, we did nothing. I went and got him dinner because he had worked hard yesterday, and at about 10:15 we crawled into bed, and watched some TV, and about 10:30 he turned it down and we cuddled and went to sleep. It was awesome. Woke up this morning and I told him I didn't sleep worth shit, and he said he slept great. He slept great because I was there for him to hold, he stayed cozy, and he wasn't alone. It was AWESOME. Amazing, and I loved every minute of it. What I didn't love was when they came beating on the door at 4:15 this morning!!!!

He is so good with Brooke, and she has taken a liking to him. It takes a long time for her to decide if she likes a man or not. She doesn't warm up very quickly because she's leary of men. She's never had to share her momma with anyone so this is something completely new to her. We went over there Friday and she layed down by him most of the time we were there. She's come a long way from telling him "I don't like you" to sharing her goldfish with him, which is pretty rare too!!!!!

Bucket List

2008-02-17T00:34:00.000-06:00

Tonight Brooke and I went to watch Fools Gold and The Bucket List. I have to say that TBL was the better of the two movies. I loved it. Perhaps it’s because there are so many things that you say you want to do before you die, but when you’re so close to death those things seem so real. So why not while we all think we still have time to live make our own bucket list? It also hit home in a very sensitive way. Both of these men were fighting Cancer and both of them were taken from it. This past year as many of you know my dad fought cancer and we won’t know until March if he has beat it. June of last year he had his prostate removed and everything looked promising, then in November we found out that it was back. He went through six weeks of radiation and like I said we are still waiting to find out if he has in fact beaten this nasty disease. I’m not sure if my dad had a bucket list or not but I’m pretty for sure that at no point in all of this he thought he was going to die. So tonight, I sit here, pondering upon some of the things in the movie and wondering what is MY bucket list? What am I going to put on it? At the ripe old age of 24 you never think that at any time you could or will die, but at any point it could be your last breath, your last hello/goodbye, and that goodbye could be forever. It could also be the last time that you tell someone that you love them. Then the one you never told will never know. Maybe that’s where I am. Neither one of us want to say it first…hahahah…I’m waiting it out. My bucket list might start out simple but as the simple things turn complicated so will my years of knowledge, courage, and growing faith. These things will change what will end up on my bucket list. No, I’m not dying, that I know of, I’m pretty healthy I think, but why wait until your dying to start one?

Kourtney’s Bucket List

~Change someone’s life for the good.
~Raise Brooke to be the most well behaved, and courteous girl.
~Go skydiving
~Fall in love with the most amazing man.
~Tell someone I love you.
~Visit Italy, Germany, Europe, and Japan.

So for now that is my bucket list. You can put anything you want on there, but don’t let anyone tell you that something shouldn’t be on your list.

On another note, my Gabriel comes home tomorrow and I’ve never been more excited!!!! I’m hoping to get to see him sometime next week!!! WOOHOO!!! I’ve missed him so much, he’s been gone since, February 7th, and it’s been tough. Dating someone in the oilfield has definitely been a change that I have had to get used to. It was something that we weren’t exposed to when I was a kid. I’m not sure that anyone ever gets used to it. I was talking to someone else that works in the oilfield and he mentioned that most marriages result in divorce because the men are gone so much. I mean money is definitely not an object to me, sure it’s nice to have, but it doesn’t make you a better person. Infidelity is the most common in these divorces, but I’m afraid that if you really do love your husband you wouldn’t do some other guy!!!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see him and give him his Valentine’s day present. I’ve missed him a ton!!!

Until next time America….

Updates

2008-02-08T09:51:00.000-06:00

Well, things with me and Gabriel are going good. My birthday has since passed and he was home to enjoy that. I was grateful!!!! My sister, her boyfriend Jimmy, and Gabriel took me out for a surprise little party on the 26th of January!!! I was so happy to see him because he'd been out of town!!! I'm so excited he's in my life, it's amazing to find someone who treats you really well. It started out with the night at dinner, but he'd said he wasn't going to back in town so I thought it was just going to be my sister, Jimmy and I when we loaded in the truck for dinner. Then Gabriel showed up and my night go so much better. It was amazing!!! Then they took me to this Country "club" called The Ranch. Where we danced until morning and drank ourselves silly. He drove so he had one beer!!! I had 3 crown and cokes of my own but when my sister would go out to dance with Jimmy, I would drink hers up!!! Hahahahah, so in reality I had about 4-4.5 crown and cokes. Then my sister and I went to the bathroom, because we go in packs for some reason, and our way back we decided to stop at the bar and get 4 shots of Patron. Sensible, right, there were four of us. Well, Gabriel decides that since he's driving me back he's not going to take his, so who gets it. Yes, the birthday girl of course takes two shots like a trooper!!! He helped me out by blowing in my face so that I would swallow it. A common trick used with children to help them take their medicine because human reaction is that when someone blows in your face you suck for air!!! Just the way it works, I use it on Brooke all the time!!! I felt better this time, as I wasn't so sick, although I did have a double ear infection and cotton growing out of my ears, but whatever!!!! No one knew but the four of us!!! hahahah!!!

It's been a hard adjustment to get used to him being gone a lot, but I'm going to make it. I know I'm going to be okay, and I will get used to it in due time!!!! My dad was never gone because he didn't work in the oil field, so I was not used to it as a child. It's been hard!!! I broke down for the first time yesterday. He's once again out of town and this is something that yes, even I have to get used to. It's the economy around here and without it he wouldn't be here. He's such a great guy!!! I love him to pieces!!! He makes me smile and laugh all the time, even when he's not around!!! I talked to him yesterday and just explained that it's hard when he's gone because it's something that I'm not used to. He has to travel a lot for work and I understand that. But yesterday, my emotions came flowing out. I try to be strong and sometimes it's so hard to do. I kept myself semi-busy yesterday, so that when I finally had a chance to slow down and give him a call, I broke down. All of that days emotions just came crashing down, and he was the lucky one.

I tried to talk about things that involved happiness, and I did a lot of subject changing, but we talked about his job and how this was the life. How my dad has been in construction all my life so he was never gone. It's hard, but this is something that I'm going to have to get used to. Around here you can NOT date people who are not directly related to the oil industry. The company he runs moves drilling rigs. He sometimes has to go out of town to go work on that stuff. It's hard, but I'm slowly adapting. This is the LIFE of WEST TEXAS!!!! I tried so hard to be strong and I feel like I failed. I failed myself at saying that I could do it, and I failed him by not being strong for him. I can do it, I just have to convince myself that it will all be alright!!!! I miss him like nothing else, but I know that he will be back on Sunday and that when I see him again it's going to be the greatest feeling ever, just to give him a big hug and kiss.

In the last post I mentioned that I wanted flowers from someone that I loved on my birthday, and you know what I got them. They are beautiful!!! They came from my sister. They are beautiful. The only thing I wanted was for Gabriel to come home and I got that, so I was pleased. Spending time with him was enough!!!!

Dear Friends,

2008-01-25T15:02:00.000-06:00

and graduates...j/k. I found out that come May I will be adding to the list of college graduates in my family. It is exciting, scary, and a bunch of other emotions combined. It's been a rough first two weeks, as the first week Brooke and I were both sicker than dogs, and the second week, I've been fighting off a double ear infection. Class has been interesting as I sit in Never Never land most of the time!!!!

I have met someone new and he is amazing and exciting at the same time. He doesn't want me to move in or anything tomorrow. He understands that I'm busy I understand that he's busy and so the time we do get to spend together we absolutely cherish. He works for a trucking company, and he loves it most of the time!!!!! They do rig moves and such!!!! He's one of the lucky ones who gets to sit in his nice leather chair out of the elements, but sometimes, like today, he has to go out and actually work. I do give him a hard time and he returns it. You really can't meet someone who ISN'T in the oilfield out here. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh so we're all good. I'm going to see where it takes us in the next couple of months. I don't really forsee anything bad happening between us, we have such a great time together. He, my sisters man, my sister and I all went out for her birthday and we had such a great time together. When you get us all together you never know what's going to happen, in the company of friends anything is possible. My sister likes him and thinks he's a nice guy, so that is good. Now I've just got to get him to meet my parents!!!!

My Brookins is changing yet again. She's growing up, and she's starting to look more and more like a little girl vs. a toddler. It's amazing how fast they grow up. I miss her on the weekdays because I attend class 4 out of 5 nights a week, and it's hard on her and myself. She's the light of my life. She has decided she doesn't like Gabriel because she's not ready to share her momma!!! I tried to explain to he one night that I will always love her but that she has to share!!! She doesn't understand, she just doesn't like when we hug and stuff!!! It's really hard on the both of us I think. He tried to explain to her that he loved her and that he loved her mommy too...she didn't take too kindly to that!!!!! I don't blame her.

Its been a ride this year already. Dad has finished his radiation treatments. My sister is on a better path to a new more exciting life. Where she has met the most wonderful man who treats her and everyone else with respect. He's been there more for those kids than their own father has.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but my birthday is coming up and I expect flowers on my desk on Feb. 4th from someone I love!!!

Re-Cap of 2007

2007-12-26T11:40:00.000-06:00

I know that 2007 hasn't completely come to a close as of yet, but we are WELL on our way. It's only a matter of days now. So here's a recap of the last year of my life.

January: We celebrated a New Year, one I hoped would bring great things. It didn’t happen. I vowed to lose weight, yes, my friends I did, I did lose some however, but every little bit counts. We planned our family vacation at this time to Sea World San Antonio. I made a new purchase on some new fish. It snowed pretty heavily and it was oh so nice to see it for a change.

February: I celebrated the big 23. I was stuck in an elevator with some haughty business man who was so involved in himself he couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I gave up cussing for lent. Yes, my dear friends it got that bad that I had to give it up.

March: Nothing exciting really, had some sleepless nights with Brooke. As all parents have on occasion. The new IHOP in Midland opened, we went and it was okay. I discovered that I do not like dried fruit that is all mushy and gross. I am a banana chip addict, even though they get stuck in my braces for ever at a time. Midland lost one of the most beautiful buildings it had.

April: Brooke turned the big 3 and made her mommy start feeling old. It seems like just yesterday when I brought that little bundle of joy home to start a new life that included her. It snowed on her birthday which was also Easter, so we had a Easter Bunny Birthday. I took a One Day Blog Silence for the victims at Virginia Tech. We were told that my dad had prostate cancer and this was where my year went to shit. We also found out he was diabetic. My mom let me down for the last time in my life.

May: Everything started being put in perspective. School was ending, my dad was still sick, we were all just waiting on surgery, and for me to go on vacation.

June: Brooke and I took a trip to Sea World San Antonio. My dad had surgery the Monday after I had returned. Things went well, and I sat at the hospital for the better part of a week. I celebrated my 150th post. They remodeled my office while I was away!! WOOHOO for more space and not feeling like I was a sardine in a can.

July: Things began to look up. Fourth of July I cooked out and my dad watched as we set off fireworks for Brooke. My dad continued to get better by walking and just keeping busy with the little things around the house.

August: I started back to school. I didn’t post anything at all about anything. I’m not so sure anything really happened if you know what I mean. I think my sister moved into an apartment, which is super convenient for me. WOOHOO!!! for that.

September: I remembered a man for September 11th. I looked back on the past couple of months and pulled my hair out over school. Not much was written during this time. Perhaps I just didn’t have it in me. Brooke and I stayed sick for pretty much all of the month. We had strep one week the both of us at the same time, and then she took all of her antibiotics for two weeks, then she had it again exactly two weeks later. It was so much fun.

October: One of my best friends got married. My other best friend came to town and we had a blast just hanging out at Toya’s wedding, and going out afterwards. I began to realize that sometimes people were not meant to be in your lives, and the friends that matter still are.

November: Where do I begin? My car broke down on several different occasions. My dad’s cancer returned and he started radiation. I started dating a man and it was great while it lasted. Started talking to someone new and he’s a really nice guy. I replaced the transmission in my car. WOOHOO. Things I thought were going well with Eric. I caught bronchitis and stayed sick most of the month with it. The cough has finally gone away.

December: I find out that things are not going so well with Eric and that’s fine because he made a decision for his family and I completely understand, however it doesn’t take away the hurt. I started talking to someone named Sean. My car broke down yet again on the Interstate in the middle of lunchtime traffic. We celebrated Christmas with the family. My dad had his last radiation treatment the week before Christmas.

I’m looking forward to the New Year where great things happen. Maybe my whole year will go well and not just the first couple of months.

Nothing Better To Do!!!!

2007-12-19T10:55:00.001-06:00

I LOVE this song!!!

Christmas...

2007-12-19T09:30:00.000-06:00

...is fast approaching and I think I have all of my shopping done, which hopefully I finished last night. WOOHOOO, Brooke is getting a lot of neat stuff that I hope she shares so I can play with it too...hahahah!!! Anyway, she is the most important as we are all having financial problems this year. I just had a new salvaged transmission put in my car...eeks, and a few fuel pumps, and filters later, my car finally works again. My dad has done a fantastic job at fixing it when something goes wrong and even though he's going through his radiation I've not once heard him complain. However, he did ask if a stick of dynamite would work in putting my car under. It's been nothing but one big problem this year, so I'm going to have to save up the money next year to purchase a new used better car of some sort.

Brooke is all excited about Christmas coming...and so am I. I know her face is going to light up when she sees everything she's getting. I'm excited about her getting her stuff from Santa!!! It's getting so close and you can just see the little holiday spirit in her eyes when she looks around. She's going to be really excited when she comes home tonight and finds gifts under the tree!!! It's going to be amazing!!!! I can't wait, in fact I might stand by the tree to take pictures of her little amazingly beautiful face!!! She's so funny!!! I call my best friend Layne and if she's not good I'll tell her I'm talking to Santa, and she'll talk to him, and then she'll kiss and hug the phone. It's soo funny and cute at the same time.

Anyway, things with Eric didn't work out. He went back to try things out with his ex-wife for the sake of their son. I commend him in wanting to work things out but after nine years. It's not like his son is deprived. He'll take him out of school and go do things with him, just whenever he feels like it. He'll fly down and buy him whatever and doesn't have a problem with it. Of course if I made the kind of money he did Brooke or I wouldn't have a care in the world either...hahah!!! But money can not buy love or happiness. Money is the root of all evil!!!!

Anyway, enough about that. My dad is nearly done with his radiation treatments and I think he's really excited about that. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that it'd didn't spread to anywhere else and it stayed contained. I miss my old daddy, the one that was happy all the time. The one who didn't snap a lot because he was tired and wore out. I want MY daddy back. It's been a rough year and I'm really looking forward to the new year, a new beginning on life. New starts in life. I'm going to party like it's 1999, that's for sure...maybe I'll go out and get wasted on New Years and not sit at home like an old bitty!!!

Anyhow, I better get back to work. Merry Christmas everyone!!!

SO many things...things things things...

2007-12-09T20:47:00.000-06:00

So my car broke down AGAIN last week, and I was pretty pissed off. We're talking lunch time traffic on Interstate 20. So I call my dad and he comes and rescues my car and I hitch a ride with my co-worker who has come to rescue me. My sister comes to the office and gets me to bring me back to the house to get the spare truck. I get that, then go back into town to get my stuff out of my car for my date that night, and go to my sisters, drop it off and then go pick Brooke up from daycare. Lets just say that I ended up taking Friday afternoon off. I think I was there a total of about 20 minutes...hahhahah!!!

I was supposed to have a date Friday night but he cancelled on me after I had busted my ass trying to find a babysitter. I felt dissapointed and let down, but what do you do? This is after he told me on Tuesday to find a babysitter because we were going out on Friday. He got called out at 3am to go to a rig, yet I managed to get through the day after being up until 4:30 doing homework. I was pissed off. Yet what do you do, we're too early in the game to say anything about it and then how do you approach the situation? So my sister and I ended up going out and then we went and bought alcohol and went back to her house and snacked, drank, and watched Hairspray. Cute little movie by the way.

Saturday I decided I wasn't sitting at home for two nights in a row so I loaded Brooke up and we went to the drive-in movies that we have here and we saw enchanted. It was a good movie and I really enjoyed it, when it comes out its a definite must own. We also watched Dan in Real Life, and it was good too. I ended up falling asleep and awoke to Brooke rolling the window down. But overall despite it being super cold, we had a good time.

Today we went and saw The Sound of Music put on by the highschoolers at my alma matter. That was really good. The singing was fantabulous. Better than I expected and oh so great. It's amazing what they did.

Anyway, this coming week starts finals, which I'll be super happy when they are over with and I'm gonna go celebrate, who knows doing what or where but damnit I'm going to go. Maybe my sister and I will go out for coctails and a WHOLE bunch of them.

Anyway, I hope that everyone has a nice week.

Update

2007-11-24T15:17:00.000-06:00

Well, things on the dating scene are doing pretty good. In the last post I went on a date with a guy named Eric and we had a great time. We're still talking and hanging out and stuff. He left this morning and will be back on Thursday. Then we have the company Christmas party on Saturday, woohooo!!!! People will get to meet him. I'm not sure if I'm excited or scared. I think he's a nice guy so it doesn't matter to me what everyone else thinks. Anyway, we've just been enjoying eachothers company which is nice. It's nice to carry on a conversation with someone who isn't three years old, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, Thanksgiving was good, I suppose, Brooke acted like a little terd bucket the entire day, my mom was sick, but everything went well. I hope that everyone had a fantastic Thanksgiving. We're not that far from Christmas so I hope everyone enjoys the rest of the year because before too long it will be gone too.

ENJOY!!!

Coming to a close...

2007-11-18T21:17:00.000-06:00

So many things are coming to a close.

Thanksgiving is THREE days away.

Christmas is THIRTY-SIX days away.

New Years is FOURTY-THREE days away.

My 24th birthday is SEVENTY-SEVEN days away.

Brooke's 4th birthday is ONE HUNDRED- FOURTY ONE days away.

I went on a date last night with a super nice guy. I really enjoyed having dinner and a movie with him. He's new to Middle of nowhere America, and he's in the oilfield, so my job and his job relate very closely. It takes my job to make his work. What a mess it is. First he came and picked me up from my sisters apartment. Then we went for dinner and drinks at a local Italian food place called Luigi's. It's super good, with super good food. Then we went and saw Beowulf, it was very interesting for an animated movie, however I do NOT suggest it for small children. It gets pretty raunchy at points. Then he took me back to my sisters. We've been talking for a week so it didn't make it so akward when I first met him, because we got to carry on real conversations not the kind where you ask weird questions. I had a lot of fun with him and I really wished we could have spent more time together because I didn't want the evening to end, but unfortunately I had to go get Brooke from the babysitters. I'm really glad that I met him, he's a nice guy.

Anyway, my dad has 4 weeks or so left of radiation, and I'm so blessed because I can't wait for him to be himself again, it's been pretty rough lately. His attitude has gone down the drain and it doesn't take much to set him off right now. He has very little patience. In fact they let me take my moms new 2007 Chevy Silverado Crew Cab on my date because my car is out of commission, and he got mad because I laid the backseats back down where they were supposed to be because I thought it looked nice. Then I got in trouble for throwing some translucent brown lettuce away in the trash, because he didn't want it to go in the trash but straight to the dumpster so it didn't stink. I understood, however it was nothing to blow up about, simply go dig it out of the trash, but instead he blew up at my mom and then at me. His fuse is very very short and he's a ticking time bomb right now. I can't imagine having to work with him right now and I'm so very thankful I don't work with him anymore. I'm sure his superintendents just leave him alone and deal with things themselves. He's very tired and some of the side affects are really starting to affect him. It sucks but such is life and hopefully after this there will be nothing more for my dad, at least I pray for that.

Mom's health is getting a little better so we think.

With Christmas fast approaching I'm tempted to just skip it all together. I don't want to spend my holidays with people I really don't care to spend them with, I just want to be together with Brooke. We were supposed to have it at our house this year, but with Dad's radiation and Mom's physical therapy I think it's going to be hard to get everything done in a timely manner. We're going to see if my aunt will take it this year and then we'll take her holiday next year. Mom says that if she can't do it then we're just going to call off family Christmas all together.

Oh yes, and less I forget my car. A couple of weeks ago the fuel pump went out so we replaced it. Then exactly a week later my transmission began slipping. My dad replaced the fuel filter and fluid just like the owners manual suggested. So we took it to a transmission shop and they said the transmission was totally gone, they couldn't even rebuild it, that's how bad it was. So then they said they could put a new one in for 2-4000, or we could get a salvaged one for about 1/4 that price. The car isn't worth putting a new transmission in, so it's sitting at a auto salvage place where they are going to replace the transmission with a new one, that's going to cost me $1147, that's labor and the transmission. So that's the best deal. When I get it back I'm going to take care of it and work on selling it next year and getting something more dependable for Brooke and I.

Anyway, sorry everyone has gotten the brunt of everything lately. It's been really crazy in my world and I don't really know where to begin.

Many things...

2007-11-05T16:16:00.001-06:00

I know I haven't posted in nearly a month, but things have been crazy and hectic.

Work has been a nightmare. School has consumed every part of my body. Brooke has not had a great mother, because she's been busy with School and work. My dad's health has declined yet again. My car has broke on two different occassions with two very different problems. I'm left driving a 1985 Chevrolet Silverado that guzzles gas.

Okay...work is work...that's just it.

School is coming to a close and there is so much to get done before the end of the semester which ends the beginning of December. I spend more time reading and doing homework then I do picking my nose, wiping my butt, and playing with Brooke, which is rather depressing.

I've tried to be the best mother to Brooke that I can be given the circumstances with work and school. I'm not there for her as much as I would like to be and I hope that someday she can forgive me for that and not resent me forever. But I love that girl with everything that I have, every cell in my body.

My dad found out that his cancer is back therefore he starts radiation treatments tomorrow. It's rather depressing that it had to come back, and I'm really sad for him.

The fuel pump on my car went out a week ago last Friday so my dad replaced it over that weekend. Then last Friday my car started doing funny stuff with the transmission, I really hope its not burnt up. Therefore I'm driving the thing I drove in highschool 6 years ago...eeks!!! It guzzles gas pretty badly, and bad things always seem to happen to my car inevitebly after I just fill up with gas. Maybe I need a battery powered car...hmmm...what a thought.

I'm mad at God. How could he let this happen to a great man, a man who has done nothing but love his family unconditionally. My car, my dad, my life has seemed to go down the tubes in the past week and a half. I'm pissed off. I'd rather just go crawl under a rock and die, because it seems that everyone around me is dying or has cancer, and I really just can not deal with it anymore.

That's that, comments are welcome as always, leaving your best wishes or whatever.

Things

2007-10-07T22:17:00.000-05:00

There are so many things going on in my life right now I don't even know which way to go. I'm busy with work, school, and my lovely three year old daughter Brooke. I'm working 40 hour weeks, going to school 15+ and managing to find time for Brooke. It's really hard to juggle it all, but it's something I've got to learn to do. I'll be done with school next May, so that will be a HUGE relief.

My best friend got married last night, Toya. We have been super close since we were two and at what point our paths began to go different directions I'm not really sure. My real best friend Callie came into town from LA to go to the wedding, and we had a blast. We're really not sure why we weren't at Toya's side and why someone else was. That is a question I will forever ask myself. We pondered that on the way to one of the bars called The Ranch. We had a lot of fun, as we weren't really ready to say goodnight to one another as she left back to California this evening.

When I got pregnant I lost a lot of friends and I have to say that the only one who has really stuck by my side besides Megan, and Layne is Callie. We can call each other one week and not talk again until two weeks later, but it's like we haven't missed a beat when we talk. It's amazing, and I love that girl. I made a promise to her that if I EVER get married I want her standing next to me, because she has never given up on me no matter what. We have done a lot of stupid shit together, and we are okay with that.

Going to this wedding just seemed like a high school reunion where you see all the people you really didn't care to see, because the people you really care about you keep in touch with anyway. That's what this feels like. I also sometimes feel that people just use my family so that they can get gifts or say that they had this many people at their wedding. I'm not going to invite everyone and their dog, just the people who matter the most to me, Callie, Layne, and Megan, and of course my family. I just don't see the need in inviting the people who treated you like shit to begin with to an event where you shouldn't have to worry about fake people. I just can't bring myself to do it, and the next wedding I'm invited to I'm going to think LONG AND HARD about whether or not it's worth torturing myself over. That's exactly what it is. I did see some people I haven't seen in a long time and that felt good to kind of catch up, but I know I also saw some people who weren't even worth shitting on back then either.

I just think that as we age and we encounter speed bumps in our lives, the people that really matter the most are there to pick us up, dust us off and get moving in the right directions again. I think it's important to have those friendships, that no matter how long it's been since you've seen them, it's like they were never gone.

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

2007-09-11T08:11:00.000-05:00

Today is September 11, 2007 and today is remembered in the hearts of many Americans. As those planes crashed into many remembered building that one faitful day, I was at school. I was a senior in high school at Greenwood High School, and I can remember passing by one of the classrooms where on of our teachers stopped me and asked if I had heard. I obviously had not heard because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He told me and that’s the moment it hit. Our country was under attack and who knew that it would continue for a long time. No one even saw it coming. We had a new President who was doing his best to run the country he believed in so much. The country that had offered him so much without expecting much in return. But more importantly, many of our freedoms were taken that day. I remember going to second period and sitting in there when someone mentioned that the pentagon had been hit. It sank in, “the Pentagon” I screamed, my cousin worked in there on the very side that was hit. He had just walked out of the building when the plane hit, and he went back in to assist where he could. I worried for him for the day and I was sad until we heard he was okay. My cousin is a JAG Lawyer and it could be him that we’re remembering this day.

Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.

On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.

I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt.

Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:

According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.

On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.

I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.

They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.

When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.

Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.

Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.

Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.

As tough as Chuck looked, and with as gruff a voice as he had, children always knew that he loved them. They instinctively knew he was their ally. And they were right. If he yelled at them for letting a game get a little out of hand, the children usually smiled or laughed. Then Chuck would laugh too, seeing himself in the kids.

Chuck's light shines in the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie, who look around in admiration at all the people here who loved their father. That light will shine brighter every day until it bursts like a super nova when we join him in heaven.

Chuck is up there now with all the other firefighters lost on September 11th, giving a lesson on how to grow tomatoes and zucchini. He knows he can’t be wrong because he is with Nani and Papa who taught him all about it.

He is up there having a pick up game of basketball against Jesus and the Apostles. Chuck calls his team the Underdogs. I’d like to introduce them to you now:

Starting at Forward…everyone who was too little to fight for themselves. At the other forward… everyone who in the latter years of life were stripped of their dignity and were unable to perform tasks we take for granted. At Right Guard…everyone Chuck loved that left this world before him. At left guard…everyone who ever misjudged Chuck's loyalty while on earth. And STARTING AT CENTER…a man who at only 5’11”, now stands taller than everyone because of the life he led, the traditions he held on to, the compassion he showed and the memories he left...Chuck Margiotta

To honor someone next year you can go to http://www.dcroe.com/2996 and sign up.

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

Closure has finally come

2007-09-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today I went to lunch with one of my co-workers and ran into Brooke's father. It was super hard, but I got up the courage to go and talk to him and ask him many questions and tell him many things!!! He saw a picture of my beautiful little girl!!! I was very calm in telling him a lot of things and made it very clear that he wasn't going to get a call from the attorney general wanting his money. I don't want his money, and I don't need it. I cried, yes, I did, but I feel so much better knowing that he has some guilt to live with forever. I don't wish death or ill things upon this man, but I hope that he realizes how hard it is to do it alone!!! It's hard and I'm NOT the only mom out there doing it!!!! It was a relief and I'm really glad that God gave me the strength to do it, because without HIM I could never have confronted that man at all.

Baby Jessica!!

2007-07-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

I for the first time have watched the interview with Jessica McClure-Morales, and I have to say that she acted very mature there.

She is very much still a kid at heart, and I've known her all of my life considering that when my parents built their house, her grandparents were building theirs!! SHe was never "baby" Jessica to us, she was just the girl whose grandparents lived next door. We never talked about what happened because those things didn't matter. What mattered is that we were allowed to play together on the weekends or during the summer when she would come stay at her grandparents house. Everyone thinks it's so cool that I know her and have for a very long time, but she is just an ordinary person to me and the other neighbor boy that we used to play with frequently. She's an amazing mother, and person, and I'm glad to say that she is my friend and has always been. We never let anything get in the way.

Here is the link to the video: Jessica Speaks Out

Enjoy and make a nice day!!!

Independence Day

2007-07-04T23:39:00.000-05:00

COOL MySpace Comments

Well, we popped some fireworks for Brooke this year. I didn't spend a whole lot of money because I figured that she would be super scared like she usually is. She was so much better since it was me doing it, she still stuffed her fingers in her ears but otherwise she was good. However, she didn't want to partake in the sparkler activity, but I'm convinced that she'll think it's cool in a year maybe.

My dad is doing SUPER good, and I'm so happy for him. He's an incredible man and is doing so much. Now he is walking to the high school which is more than a mile away. I'm sure he'll start walking up there to visit the job site here soon, and that's really the reason he is walking up there. When he can drive he'll go to visit then too. He goes to have his staples tomorrow which he thinks is great, but he still has to have the catheter for another week. He's not too happy about that, but Brooke keeps him in check on when he needs to empty his tank, as he calls it. She gets to go with him to do it, and I don't know what I'm going to do when he doesn't have it anymore and she can't go with him!!! EEKS!!!

Anyway, things here are good.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY FRIENDS!!!

Life...

2007-07-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

Life is grand at the moment...in ten minutes it could be the worst day ever, but I'm not looking for the next ten minutes in life but the right now. Things are great. My dad is getting better everyday and was released from the hospital last Thursday. He's happy to be home and sleeping in his own bed, and wearing something other than a hospital gown. Which he says they need to improve as this has not happened in 20+ years!!! He takes a morning stroll which is about .25 miles!!! Pretty good I might say. He goes to get the mail in the mornings. He won't be able to drive for another week, but I'm sure when he can, maybe we'll get to go do lunch or something. He's an amazing man. WOOOHOOO for my hero my daddy!!! He's not letting anything get in his way. He is striving to get better very soon. The night he came home I explained to Brooke that Poppi had a large owie and that she couldn't be jumping all over him. She's remembered, and he showed her his owie!!! But now she's scared to touch, hug, or kiss him, but is getting better. SHe got to sit on his lap last night and that she truly enjoyed. I can't wait to get to sit on my daddie's lap again. I still do occassionally, and did the morning that he had surgery. I've always been daddy's little girl, and nothing is goign to change that. I enjoy getting to spend time with him in the mornings before I leave for work, and this morning was no different. We met him as he entered the driveway to drop off the mail this morning, then gave him hugs, and left. I love my dad so much and really don't know what I'd do without him. He's my strength always!!!

Fourth of July is coming up and I'm going to go get some fireworks for Brooke to enjoy!! We didn't get to do it last year because it was so dry that they banned them!!! BUt this year we will. Maybe we'll cook out too!! Who knows.

My daddy....

2007-06-26T09:39:00.001-05:00

You see that picture of that man in the corner there? Thats my daddy. If you haven't figured out by now he's everything I've ever had in life. He's my confidant, best friend, my hero and most importantly he's my daddy!!! He's the most loving, caring, sincere man you will ever meet. And that's why he's my hero. He had his surgery yesterday, and it went good. However, I've never even seen my dad lay in bed because he didn't feel good, so to see him completely helpless yesterday was a huge shock to the system. It's the worst I've ever seen my dad EVER!!!! He's an amazing man, and I know that he'll be out of there in a few days, and when he's home I'll feel so much better about leaving him, but as long as he's at the hospital, I don't want to leave there, I just want to sit and look at my daddy. We don't have to exchange words, just being there with him means so much I know. This is the hardest thing we've ever seen him go through. He's been in the hospital with me twice and my mom a few times, but to see him completely down is not good. That's not my dad. He's a very outgoing person whose at work by 6:45 every morning and works until 6 sometimes or brings it home. His Brookins is missing him so much and it's so hard on her not to have her Poppy around to play with. We are on the homestretch now, it's all downhill from here, but I'll feel TEN times better when he gets in my moms truck and gets home. I can't wait to have his presence and laughter back in the house. Last night I went home to an empty house, and it's the hardest thing I've done in a really long time. My parents have gone on vacations and I've gone home to an empty house, but I've NEVER had to leave my dad someone and go home alone. It's super hard and I cried. I HATE THIS, but I know that when he's better all of this will have been worth it.

Please continue to keep him in your prayers.

150th post

2007-06-19T10:57:00.000-05:00

WOOHOO for 150. However, not the point of this post.

We are leaving tomorrow for San Antonio at 9 in the morning. I'm really ready to get out of here and get some relaxation time in before everything becomes completely hectic and crazy. However, I'm not looking forward to what I'm coming back to. The whole thing with my dad. I don't really want to leave because I just want to stay here and spend time with my dad before next Monday. I know I know...I'm an emotional WRECK right now. I'm really looking forward to Brooke having a good time, and I know that it will be worth it and she'll have so much fun. And that's worth the trip itself. We have watched so much stuff on Sea World and she loves Shamu already, I just can't wait for the rest. Once my dad has had his surgery all will be better however, I think we all need some time away from one another. Please keep us in your prayers, for our trip and for our family.

VACATION...

2007-06-12T12:04:00.000-05:00

Is nearly here and Brooke is way excited and asks me every morning when we are going to Sea World. She's going to have a great time. I'm really excited for her too. I'm excited just to get away from the stress and hub bub of work and family. I love my family and all, however, it'll be nice just to have sometime to wind down before my dad's surgery, which is the following Monday after we return. LOVELY!!!!!! Anyway, just thought I'd let everyone know I hadn't dropped off the face of the earth yet, just come really close. I'll try to blog from San Antonio and tell everyone how things are going. WOOHOOO!!!!

Ignorance is Bliss

2007-06-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

Why oh why? I’ve been prepared to accept this kind of thing for the rest of my life, and dumb comments like this. However, I was not expecting them from someone I have known forever and love as a friend very much. I was talking to him on the phone this weekend, as he called to tell my mom thank you for something she gave her. I was telling him about Joe and he looked on myspace and found that yes, he is Hispanic. Now with all racist remarks aside, please know that he treats me like I should be treated and I hope that he can say the same for me. He is a true gentleman. Anyway, this person that I know, we’ll refer to him as “Jack”. So Jack proceeds to make racist comments and implies that Joe only listens to Tejano music, which is not true, and begins to imply that just because he’s Hispanic he does certain things. I proceeded to let him have it because I will not put up with that. He also asks me why I can’t date white guys or guys within my race. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MATTER. We all have personal preferences and I would date Joe if he were white. Skin color doesn’t matter to me. I told him that Brooke was part Puerto Rican and if he wanted to judge Joe he was going to be judging my daughter and I don’t stand for that at all. Why do some people have to be so ignorant? I don’t understand. Why can’t people just be happy that he treats me right and loves me regardless of my little quirks, and besides that WHO IS HE TO JUDGE ME AND MY DECISIONS? He’s 16 years old and hasn’t even learned to live life, he’s still in that little High School mentality, and that’s frustrating. I guess that if I’m willing to spend the rest of my life with him and have children with him, I suppose that I should get used to the inappropriate comments and just start blowing me off. The deal is that if you judge someone of a different race, you are ultimately judging Brooke.

Lots of Things

2007-06-01T16:14:00.001-05:00

The closer my dad comes to having surgery so many things go through my mind, when it’s calm and still. Things like, what will I do if I lose the only thing I have? The only person who has loved me unconditionally? The only man my daughter knows and loves? What will I tell Brooke? How will I tell Brooke that her Poppi is gone, and she won’t see him until she’s in heaven? Will he be there to walk me down the aisle and give me away? Or will I have to have my second dad Joe do it? Ironic I know. These are all the things I think about. I don’t want to have a family and him not be part of it. I want him to meet my future child(ren). I want them to know what an incredible man their grandpa is, not just assume he was a great man by the memories he left in my life. I know that everyone has a way of dealing with this on their own but its kind of got me down and I don’t like it. I want my dad back, the upbeat, positive guy I’ve known for the past 23 years. Not the one fighting for his life at this very moment, and praying that his surgery will be okay, and that it hasn’t spread somewhere else. I can’t lose the only thing I have. He’s my everything and my world. If it weren’t for my dad I have no idea where I’d be. He’s the only father figure Brooke has ever known, and it’s important that he’s there for her right now, because he’s all WE have. He has been my biggest fan all of my life, and I don’t know what I’d do without him.

Please just keep our family in your prayers if you don’t mind!!!

My dad, my HERO!!!

2007-05-22T10:40:00.000-05:00

My dad is my biggest hero. I wish I could help him with what he's dealing with, but I can't, and I don't know where to start if I could. He has chosen not to let any of us in and that hurts more than anything. About 4 years ago, he was there for me when I told him that I was pregnant, whether he liked it or not, it was happening and there was nothing any of us could do about it. He stuck by my side when my mother would not. She chose to deal with it her own way, and that was to shut me out of her life and yell at me everyday!!!! He was there for me, cried with me, and talked to me. Made me feel his love. The closer Brooke became to coming into this world the more excited he got. He watched me change from a young girl, to a mature mother-to-be. He was there every step of the way, and I love him more than ever for being there for me during such a hard time in my life. He made me realize that even if Brooke's father wasn't there for her, he would never stop loving me or her. He cried the moment he first layed eyes on her and I knew he never quit loving me at that moment, and that all the crap we had been through together had paid off. He has been everything to her. They are inseperable. They get into so much trouble when they are together and I can't imagine having to tell her someday that her grandpa is gone and someday she'll see him again. I hope that day doesn't come anytime soon. When he goes you're going to have to bury me right along side him. He's the only thing I have left short of Brooke, and Joe. He is my life, my world, and the only dad I have, the only thing I have left to live for besides Brooke. We spent the first 18 years of my life doing stuff, from the time I was eight until I was eighteen we raised and bred the pigs together. From the time I was young until we got the pigs, we went camping and fishing together. That was our time together. Now we work on the roof and do things with Brooke together and that makes me happier than anything. I have helped my dad do 1/2 of the roof and although we may not have much to say to one another during that time, except little joking things, the time spent with him is time I can never get back. It's amazing. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. He is my hero, my dad, and the love of my life. I could never love another man more than I love my dad!!!!

Thanks dad for being my HERO!!!

WHY MY FREAKING FAMILY!!!

2007-05-21T15:02:00.000-05:00

We put the fun in disFUNctional. I'M SICK OF IT ALREADY. Yes, my dad has cancer, yes, it could potentially be fatal, however, he is having surgery in June and will hopefully be fine after that. I'm done with school for the summer therefore I can help out around the house or whatever. I'm going on vacation in June and the Monday after I return my dad has surgery to have his prostate removed. I've got everything set up for Brooke in the way that she has someplace to go provided something happens. I don't want to be scurrying for a babysitter when it's too late, not a good idea, here we are a month and a week away and everything is set up. I told my mom this yesterday so that she would know, and to know that if I needed to stay overnight with dad or something I could, whatever I need to do I will, however there will be one thing and that's I will not be pushed or shoved around like a ten year old because she wants to be selfish, the shit has already started and it pisses me off more than anything. She told me yesterday that she's going to need time to come home and unwind, I'm like from what, you don't have to take care of him and you don't do anything at home anyway. I'll probably stay the night at least one night while he's in there so that we can all have sometime away from one another. I don't get to spend much time with my dad anyway, so nows the perfect time to start. I'm 23, I can pretty much handle things for myself. This is the time when I need my friends more than anything because I have a family who chooses not to be there for me. I get really sick of it. Thank God for Brooke's godmother, she gets to hear most of it. Anyway, I will set it straight that just beceause my dad maybe out of doing things around the house and what not, I will not be treated like shit, and I will not allow her to treat him this way either. I despise and have little respect for her, so I will not let her disrespect the one thing that I have and that's my father. He's the only thing I have left to depend on besides my daughter, I'll be damned if she treats him like shit. I'm sure there will be fighting outside of the hospital, and my mom will say, well, your dad doesn't need this, well, he doesn't need your shit either. She thinks that she's in it alone and it's all going to fall on her, well, I'm about to tell her differently. She thinks that if she loses him it's just going to be her affected, and the truth is that it affects Celeste, Tuesdie, and I as well, because not only is she losing a husband but we are losing the only thing we have and that's our DAD!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!!

I must stop this post or its going to get ugly and I'm already in tears as it is.

Its a pretty good thing for that special someone in my life.

GRRRRR!!

2007-05-08T08:48:00.000-05:00

As if my day couldn’t get any worse at work yesterday, it was bad at school, AND at home. I CAN’T WIN FOR SHIT!!!! We won’t go into the work thing. But when my teacher got to class, yes, I was there at 5:45 and she showed up at 7, our drawings were instantly late. She did not tell us that they were due last Wednesday. They are not technically due until Wednesday which is the last day of class. So automatically my drawings were late because I didn’t stay up there until midnight printing it out. We all figured that as long as we really had them turned in by Monday everything would be fine. So I may be calling one of my advisors and hashing it out with him. That’s ridiculous. I was there super early pretty much every day that I didn’t have Yoga and NOT ONCE did I ever hear her say that anything was due by last Wednesday. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! Anyway, so I better make an A in that class.

Home…yes, problems at home have never gotten better nor will they until I’m married and out of there. I got home last night and for some reason I’m not being spoken to anymore and according to my sister neither is she. My dad’s going through a lot of shit right now, but damnit so are the rest of us, my sister included. I don’t know why he’s being this way, but it’s time to get over it!!! He’s developed some health problems within the last couple of months, but we’re all doing our best to support him and be there for him as much as we can. I cannot hold his hand because I’m really busy right now just trying to end out the semester!! I have a lot going on. I’m sorry that we can not baby him. I know this is weighing really heavily on him, but we all have our own problems to deal with and I deal with my own and don’t tell anyone else!! I sit back and watch and listen to everyone else, but when I need someone they are not there. My friends are my best source of sanity during this time because I apparently can’t talk to my family. I know my sister is dealing with her own demons, so I’d just rather not put anything on her at this time. My mom doesn’t care nor will she listen, and my dad, well, yea, he’s another story, he won’t listen to you either without getting all in your face!!!! I told him something one day and he got about 3 inches from my face and yelled at me. I was just like OK!!! This was two weeks ago. I'm just really ready for things to end!!!!

One Day

2007-04-30T11:40:00.001-05:00

Friends? What friends?

2007-04-24T13:47:00.000-05:00

You would think that I had so many friends that I would have to divide time between. Think again as this was never the case. I feel as though growing up people just pretended to be my friends, especially when they wanted something. Why is it now that I don’t feel that they invite me to their showers or other get to gethers because they are my friend, but because they want gifts, or they want more people at their party than the other girl had at hers!!! I feel alone in this world and really feel that I have only a few “loyal” friends. Take Megan for instance. We have been best friends since the 1st grade. That’s 17 years!! WOOHOOO GO US!!! We have been through a lot and even though we are many miles apart we have not forgotten where it all started that day in first grade. And I have made a promise to myself and to my mom that I will not attend another wedding, wedding shower, or baby shower until one of my good friends has one or Megan decides to get married. Perhaps it’s because my parents weren’t willing to shell out their life savings on a $100.00 pair of jeans because it said GAP or the Buckle on the tag. Who really gives what your pants or shirt say. I was not popular nor was I liked, however I felt like I was always respectful and never gave anyone any reason not to like me. I was a loner all through school and those people who called me their friend then, definitely do not mean it now. I feel used!!! I told my mom how I felt about it, that people I think are just using us for our gifts and somehow feel obligated to invite me to their functions, however, I’m sick of going and being treated like shit. She cried with me because secretly inside I think she knew how I felt. I hope I’ve never displayed this myself. I have been invited to someone’s graduation on Saturday and I will attend like the loyal friend I am, because it is Megan, and I’ll buy her some expensive graduation gift, because even when I was a bitch to her, she never let me down. She stuck with me through the worst time in my life, so I thought, and hung on during my many mood swings. I love that girl to death, and there is nothing that can drive our friendship into the ground. We will remain loyal friends until the day that we’re dead, and for that I’m grateful. Go give her a shout on her page and tell her how proud of her you are. I CERTAINLY AM!! She’s my best friend, my lifesaver, and my sister from another mother. I’m proud to say that if I ever needed anything her family would be there for me just as they were throughout my pregnancy!! What a supportive family they are as well. I love them all, even that little turkey Lance, her brother!!!

WHY?

2007-04-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

Why the hell have I been lied to and deceived for the past 6 weeks, because you weren’t sure if you really had cancer? I knew something was wrong that night when I walked through the door and you were all curled up in a blanket with your house robe on and mom just told me that you had a stomach bug, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THEN!!! Why did you wait? And now your lovely wife just doesn’t have a reason to get upset, well, I’m sorry that she doesn’t but I do!!! Oh how I despise that woman with all of my heart. I don’t have a bone in my body that likes her at all, and yet I call her mom. WHY have you both lied to me and my sisters for the past 6 weeks, but yet, when we hide information from you it becomes you lied to me shit. Why is it okay for you to do it knowing that you could have Cancer? Why didn’t you just tell us from the beginning so that we could prepare ourselves a little better, rather then finding out a week ago, what you’ve known all along? WHY?!

Easter Bunny Birthday

2007-04-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

So yesterday not only did we celebrate Easter, but also Brooke's 3rd birthday. Yes, she is one year older and that much closer to starting school *tear tear* but also she got the coolest gifts ever. She got a little digital camera, it's fun!!! A picnic table, we like to picnic. A carseat for her baby, because she likes to strap them in my car and then people get all worried when they see a baby strapped in a car in the heat...hmmmm!!! A Hide N Seek Hayley, that is rather creepy with her creepy laugh!! And my favorite toy of all, a Fur Real Friend baby Piglet, who is amazigly actual size...who knew!!! We Easter egg hunted in the snow, and that was great fun!!! It was rather cold, but I new she'd enjoy it either way, so I bundled her up and off we went. The Easter bunny brought her this cool hatching egg thing, and this morning the shell was starting to crack!! Way cool, and by in the morning there should be a little chick coming out of it, if it isn't by the time we get home. Lots of candy, what would Easter be without candy?! We had Pablo cake, which hopefully I'll get some pics from my mom and you can see the amazing job my sister did on her cake!! GO SISTER!!! We had my niece and nephew over along with my sister for the Easter family get together that we do every year and have since who knows when. The only time we didn't do it was the year Brooke was born and that's because she was like three days old. I didn't really want any visitors, I'd had my fill at the hospital!!! Anyway, here's some pictures of the items she received!!! ENJOY!!! HOPE EVERYONE ELSE HAD A HOPPY EASTER!!!

Hmmm...

2007-04-04T23:07:00.000-05:00

Why have I always felt let down by my mother? Why don't I feel like I can go talk to my mom about anything? Is it because she created this for herself many years ago? Perhaps. Perhaps, I don't know anything about being a parent anymore. All I know is that I come home to the best little welcome anyone could get, it doesn't matter if I've been gone 5 minutes, 5 hours or 5 days, she's still always really excited to see me. That makes my day more than anything. But on days like today, I would like to come home and tell my mom something or talk to her, interact with her someway, but it's not possible. She doesn't care what you have to say, she's not supportive and I can't remember a time when she was. Sometimes, I just want to come home and tell her something funny or sad that happened that day, but I can't because she just lets you talk on commercials or whatever, which really means that she doesn't care. But yet, when she comes home and wants to voice her opinions or talk about her day, we all have to sit down like in a circle indian style, and listen to her and pat her on the back. FOR ONE FREAKING DAY I'D JUST LIKE TO BE TOLD THAT IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OKAY!!! I want someone who will be willing to listen. I think I'm a good listener, and sometimes I like to give advice, but at least you know you can call me up and I'll listen.

New IHOP Review!!

2007-03-22T22:40:00.000-05:00

My mom and I ate dinner at our new IHOP, I would recommend you give it another couple of weeks to a month before going yourself. Our experience wasn't horrible, but I have to say that yes, it looks small from the road and indeed it is small inside. They have made it to accomodate all people from the smokers to the non-smokers. M-town passed a city ordinance last year that stated that all resteraunts had to choose whether they would be ALL smoking or non-smoking and in order to be both, they had to have a seperate enclosed room with seperate ventilation for the smokers. This IHOP happens to be that way...except the door to the smoking room shuts really slowly so some of it leaks out!!! But I can live with the fact that I don't have to share the same air as the smokers!! No offense to you smokers out there!! They have a little perfecting to do but most of their staff is new to things so they are getting used to it, and the cooks are new I'm sure, and they are trying to get the hang of things. Overall things were good, we just saw a few little improvements!!! Definitely clean and pristine!!!

So there is my IHOP review!!! Time for me to go to bed. Hope to hear from all of you soon!!!

Please make note that by Saturday night my blog will have gone private so if you would like to continue reading it, you will need to send me an email with your email address in it, or just leave me a comment telling me something and I will get it all fixed up...don't get left out!!!

Today dear friends...

2007-03-18T20:29:00.000-05:00

I discovered that the only dried fruit I liked is dried bananas...the rest is just too gross for me to even imagine eating. I got some tropical trailmix that had nuts and dried fruit in it and the only thing I would eat was the banana chips. I've always been adicted to those things.

"Hi, my name is Jalopy and I'm a banana chip addict."

Come to think of it, I've never really been interested in Rasins. Perhaps its for the same reason, I like my fruit juicy and all over me, not dainty and out of a package!! I bought it because I thought it would be a good low-cal snack for me to take to work to munch on, it appears I will be living off of nuts and rice cakes...who knew. So I bought some dried apricots, dried mango, and Crasins, I'm afraid all of it will go to my co-worker who eats those kinds of things, and I'll be living off of rice cakes!!

Also friends I look like I've been socked in both eyes considering Brooke didn't go to bed until 2:30 last night...Egan get ready buddy because this will be you soon as well. Prepare yourself now. Get up at least three times a night averaging every two hours. You will be more prepared that the rest of the potential parents out there. You will know what is on tv at all times, because you will be up!!!

I can remember after she was born and we brought her home. It was such a relief because I hated that hospital, I HATED it!!! The bed was horrible, and I just wanted to take my baby home and not be monitered all the time. Well, feeding time would come at all hours of the night for the first couple of nights we were home, but after a couple of days it kind of worked itself out and she would get up at the same times everynight and I would get up to pump, or mow the lawn according to my friend. Anyway, all I knew was that at 4 AM "Pensacola Wings of Gold" would come on and that was my all time favorite show. We used to watch it religiously and then it mysteriously went off the air, who knew it'd be on at 4 AM when we needed it the most. Anyhow, it made the time of "mowing the lawn" and feeding Brooke seem like no time at all. I miss that show.

Anyway, I'll possibly be posting pics soon of that building that is going down. I'm going to miss looking at the architecture of the building as it was built in 1933 and added onto in 1945!!!!!

Okay friends...

2007-03-14T11:51:00.000-05:00

My blog is fixing to go private so if you would like to continue to read my blog...to all you lurkers out there...please shoot me an email. Or send me a comment with your email address.

HPV Vaccination. DO IT!! Protect them!!!

2007-03-14T11:34:00.000-05:00

It's a good thing that they have come out with a new vaccination for HPV although for some this comes a little too late. It's a scary situation. You go in for a papsmear and think everything is okay, in which case it is not. THey call you two weeks later and tell you that you need to come in for more testing. So you go. Then in a couple of weeks they tell you that they'll need to take a biopsy. You go in once more. Then they discover that you have Phase III cancerous cells living in your cervix and making their way to your dimise. They also tell you that the surgery that you have to have is going to cost $800.00. You choke back the tears knowing what is next, a lifetime of hell and of fear. You go in for this surgery, you come out okay. They take the cells off , and they call you with the news later, that if you had waited just a little bit longer, the cancer bug would have bitten. It's scary, if you have daughters go ahead the shots are a lot cheaper than the hell I've been through. It's not to say that they're not full proof and that you should throw all caution to the wind after you've had these shots. They are about $360 for the series of shots. I figure that insurance companies will start to cover these kinds of shots, because after all, these kids are our future. I live in constant fear that it will return. I haven't been to the OB in 2 years. What if it's back and there is nothing they can do for me now? What if I can't have anymore kids because now they're going to have to remove everything I have at the age of 23? I have a future with my daughter, a future with a future husband, and my family. A FUTURE!!! They are trying to sign a bill to make it part of the vaccinations for kids that are entering the 6th grade. You think it's too early to start thinking about them having sex, it's not. Every year it's starts earlier and earlier. Why when I was in the 6th grade, boys still had cooties!! If only it still were that way for the youth of America. If you have sex aged children, go get them vaccinated. DO IT!! It will cost you way less to do it now that if they end up with it later. Protect them and their future!!!

TOday is the Day that the Permian Building...

2007-03-14T11:10:00.000-05:00

becomes reduce to rubble. I am sad. I'm very sad. The facade was awesome. I wish I could tell Brooke about how amazing that building was, but unfortunately all she'll ever see is a parking lot or a parking garage. Right now as I type this, there is a wrecking ball getting to work out there. I'm depressed and I want to cry. I've always loved that building, and if I would've been old enough and wise enough I would have bought it years ago and had it refurbished and people would've had offices there. I know it's going towards a good thing, and that's to revive downtown Midland. However, I hadn't quite prepared myself for what I would see as I took a trip downtown at 10:30 this morning. As I entered the intersection of Texas and Big Spring street, the ball caught my eye and disbelief is all that I saw. I know it has been vacant for a very long time, but as someone suggested lets keep the building and turn it into a parking garage keeping the facade. It would've been amazing. Here is an article out of our local paper detailing these events.

"Midlanders gather to watch, express sorrow as building is torn down

A 2,000-pound steel ball crashed repeatedly into the Permian Building Tuesday as a crowd of Midlanders watched brick and concrete plummet from the historic property into a growing pile of rubble.

Construction crews from A&R Demolition began bulldozing the property Monday and estimated that it will take another two to three weeks before the building is permanently removed from Midland's skyline.

Residents who gathered to watch the building's gradual demise expressed sorrow, but appeared to also find some pleasure in the spectacle of a massive ball of steel slowly slamming into the building's crumbling facade time and again.

"It's sad, isn't it?" JoJo's Eatery owner JoAnn Brisco said, noting that she moved to Midland in 1980 and remembers when the property was still occupied, "although not by very many."

At one point in time Conoco-Phillips, Inc. maintained several offices in the building and, according to 238th District Court Judge John Hyde, an aficionado of local history, it also served as the location of the Midland County Clerk's Office for a year while the courthouse was being renovated.

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George McAlpine, one of several residents who gathered to watch the demolition, told the Reporter-Telegram the art-deco property also once housed the office of President George W. Bush while he was running Arbusto Energy.

"It's very sad, I'm saddened that a historical landmark building like that is being taken down," Hyde told the Reporter-Telegram.

The first two stories of the Permian Building were built around 1933 and an additional four stories were added in 1945. Hyde said it is one of only two art-deco buildings in Midland, the other one of which is located on the corner of Wall Street and Colorado Street.

"Those kinds of buildings were built with a kind of concrete block style that looks sort of reminiscent of the Daily Planet in Superman," Hyde said. "(They typically have) aluminum lettering around the top and curving on the front which makes it distinct architecture of that period. I hate to see that one go."

The Permian Building and Gihle's Tower, which is also scheduled for demolition, were acquired from MYCO Texas last year by TCTB Management, a joint venture of local and out-of-town investors. The Midland Savings Building, another former MYCO Texas property, was recently acquired by the Midland Municipal Management District and is also scheduled for demolition.

Jon Morgan, part-owner of TCTB Management, previously told the Reporter-Telegram that street-level parking will replace the buildings in the short term and a parking garage may be constructed in the future. He said the removal of long-vacant structures is essential to revitalizing downtown Midland.

"I'm sure something good will come of it, new things," Brisco said. "These old buildings are so pretty and interesting, but they probably just cost so much to refurbish them."