Monday, November 24, 2008

Oh the things you'd like to know...

I’m hanging in there. I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s been so hard. So rough. Some days I’m okay. Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock and dying. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where things aren’t really just about having fun and dating anymore. I’m looking for the man I’m going to marry. That one man that is going to sweep me off my feet. That one man that will love me and Brooke even with her four year old temper tantrums. That one man that she will want to play with and who will actually do it, even if it means that they have to play barbies or baby dolls with her. Who will sit on the couch and cuddle with her.
There are so many good things that have come from this.

I feel like I’ve grown closer to a lot of people. My dad and I talk about it all the time. I feel like I can call him up at anytime and just talk to him and inevitably I cry every time. He’s such a good dad and just tells me that I’m gonna be okay and that we are going to get through this. He’s been the world’s best dad forever. When I was pregnant with Brooke he was there for me through it all. He was so excited to have another grandbaby even though the circumstances weren’t ideal. He and Brooke are so incredibly close it’s unreal. I called him today and he just comforted me in knowing that we are going to get through this and that I will have learned many valuable lessons when this is all said and done. He constantly tells me that I’ll meet a man who will love me and Brooke unconditionally. I know that my daddy is right because well, I’m daddy’s girl, and he’s never lied or failed me!!!! I feel so blessed to have a dad like him.

I’ve always had a belief in God, but I can’t explain what’s happened here. I feel like I’m continuing to grow closer everyday to HIM. I feel like I’m starting to rely on HIM more and more. I know that He only gives you as much as He knows you can handle. That’s amazing, a God that knows when to stop and when to keep on pushing. He knows when you’ve had enough and you’re near your breaking point, then sometimes He keeps pushing just because He knows you won’t break but you will grow and become stronger from the experience. I feel like I’m growing and becoming stronger.

Breakups aren’t always easy and you can’t expect to be best friends again overnight. If you think that’s going to happen you are wrong. There’s going to be static and tension for a little while. There are going to be be harsh words said, and people are going to get hurt. But do not let your heart become cold and full of cobwebs, it’s then that you decide that you’ll never let anyone in. I feel so fortunate that I’ve had so many people there for me and caring for me. What an awesome thing!!! It’s so amazing. My friends have been incredible and so has my dad and sister. I don’t really talk to my mom about it much, I just can’t. I’ve never been close to her and I can’t really say that it’s going to change overnight. Relationships are hard, and breakups are harder especially when you’ve loved someone with everything you had. I’m going to give it time and see what happens. We shall see and only time will tell what will happen in the end.

Thanks again for everyone who’s been there to listen to me cry and talk about everything. You’ll never know how much it’s meant to me. I can not thank anyone enough for just calling and saying, hey I was thinking about you, are you alright. I will be okay, and I’m going to make it, but it’s going to take time to get myself there. I don’t understand sometimes, but none the less this is the way it’s going to be.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Day 3: Friends

Today I'm thankful for: Friends

Friends have got to be the most amazing thing that God could have blessed us with. All our friends are different in some way, but they are all truly amazing!! Friends are those people that you can turn to when things get hard in your life. When things are going your way. When you need someone to just listen to you when you talk, instead of talking with you. Someone whose shoulder stays wet from you crying on it all the time. A friend is my most prized possession. Without my friends where in the world would I be today. I happen to be blessed with I'd say three of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Megan~ We have been through so much in the last year between the both of us, however, there were some things that came between us but those things are over now and we are back on good terms. I'm so thankful to have her back in my life. I love how we can talk and cry and be okay with it. We have been friends since we were SIX. How many of you can actually say that? We have been through many hard times together. I just hope that I've been there for her as much as she's been there for me. Now wouldn't that be amazing.

Callie~ We have been friends since we were seven or so. We've had some amazing times together and probably the most interesting definitely. We've done some pretty crazy things together and it's been so eventful and interesting...thats for sure.

Layne~ WOWZA. I don't think we need to go into details about our relationship, it's one that only we understand.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Day 2: Brooke

Today I'm thankful for: Brooke

I'm thankful for that little girl because without her there is no telling where I'd be today. I'm amazed everyday by her love and innocence. Her thoughts are genuine and her love is REAL. If there is anything children can teach us, it's got to be real love. They are not biased based on anything going on, they either really do love you or they really don't. That little girl loves me more than anyone ever could. I don't know where I'd be without her here in my life. Yes, sometimes its hard to have her because I really missed out on that being young and partying, however, that's not what life is all about. I feel so blessed that God would trust me with the most precious life ever. She is on loan to me to raise to be the best person I can help her to become. Thanks kiddo for saving my life. Thank you for keeping me grounded everyday. Anyone who can sit down and say that life doesn't begin at conception is wrong. Life begins at that very moment. Just think what we'd all be missing if we didn't have that one person who meant the world to us in it.

Monday, November 10, 2008

17 days of things to be thankful for.

I'm going to do my own thing and Countdown to Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for all the time, but typically it gets looked over. We tend to forget how much we have until we lose something so precious and dear to us. The past two years have not been very holiday friendly for my family, but this year I'm going to make the best of it.

Today I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who loves me and forgives me of my many sins. He is amazing and although I don't really like the things that He seems to have planned for me and my family, I still really enjoy having a heart full of God!!! He lives in the very crevices of my soul. He loves me soo much and gave His one and only Son to save ME. How amazing is that. He gave his SON to save me and to forgive me. It's been so hard to see that things don't always go the way I want them to, but they aren't supposed to work out in my time, but in HIS time. He keeps me grounded in a way no one ever could. I love going to church and worshipping Him and singing about Him in the car. I'm so thankful that I can show His love to my daughter as well.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Dear Mom & Dad,

Thanks for making the Holidays a stressful time of year for everyone in our family. You have made it to where I could really care less about any of them because it's always so damn stressful.

Mom, you never help do anything, you sit on your ass and claim that you're back is hurting and what not. You order people around and then bitch when it wasn't done "right." I've gotten to the point where if I never have another family holiday I'd be fine with it. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells for you during this time. We can't even have a decent family freaking holiday because it's always about doing something to please you. I'm not about pleasing you anymore. I have a family now and I for once would like to do my own thing. Just for once without being freaking crucified for it. Why is it that when I finally have a boyfriend for the holidays and want to spend it with him, OMG...there is going to be a war because I need to spend it with my family. OMG...not everything is about your family. Where does MY family fit in? Oh wait, you are my family, but I have my own with Brooke now. Sometimes you make me want to hide in my room and not associate with anyone. I was so looking forward to not living with you during the holidays. If you think I'm going to sit in this house for two weekends in a row you are freaking WRONG!!

Dad, you act like an asshole because mom is being a bitch. Please stand up for yourself every damn once in a while. I know that due to some hormone therapy and the cancer you haven't been yourself in a while, I'm sorry for that, but please stand up for us too. You act like her being a bitch to your children during the holidays is okay. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not. She had abused us for long enough when we were younger, why the fuck don't you stand up for us now. When are you going to say enough is enough? It's time to let me go. Stay out of my personal business. If I think that you need to know something, I'll freaking tell you. It's MY LIFE. MINE and it's PERSONAL. My relationships have nothing to do with you. Stay out of them. If the both of you would quit freaking prying for information all the time, then maybe I'd be more willing to share with you what's really going on in my life. However, you can't seem to leave me alone about it, so you get no voluntary information anymore. Does it matter where I'm going to church? So long as I'm going and worshipping God, I don't think so. I'm going and you should be happy that we've found somewhere Brooke loves to go and that I enjoy as well. Just because I don't go to the same church or believe the same way you do anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going and worshipping the same exact God you do, I'm just doing it the way I've found that works for me.

Mom & Dad, You've got to begin to understand that I have a life and just because you're not in the middle of it or it doesn't involve you much anymore doesn't mean that I don't love you, it just means that I've gotten older and I really CAN do my own thing. I don't need you there to pick me up and dust me off with I fall anymore, or bandage my wounds. I can do all those things myself. You sometimes keep the wounds open. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean that I don't. My life has just changed a lot lately. My life now includes Brooke and someone that I love very dearly. I'm sorry if you don't like the fact that you've been "replaced" but it's going to happen sooner or later. Dad, I'll always be you're little girl, and know that you'll never take the spoiled out of me, because you've done such a good job at it. But please respect the people that I love the most. Respect that they do their damnest to make sure that me and Brooke are taken care of and are happy. Someone makes me very happy and I'm happy about that, but please cut the cord, Dad. It's time to let go, and it will be okay.

Mom, leave me the hell alone. I wish I had nice things to say to you and about you but unfortunately I don't. You have created this for yourself. You've made your bed, now I really hope that you have fun wallowing in your own self pity, because you're the only one that feels sorry for you. You're health problems are probably due to the fact that you don't do anything. When was the last time that you took a nice stroll down the street...oh yea...I can't even remember the last time that you actually left the house just to get out. Go somewhere every once in a while and quit wondering why you're back always hurts, if you'd get off your ass and do something, it probably wouldn't.

Please know that Christmas will be spent with Brooke and I. I'm ready to do our own thing and it starts this year.

Sunday, November 02, 2008


Kids can be such a catch 22.  Whether it be in everyday relationships or work.  Kids can put a kink in a lot of things.  I'm not really sure when all of this worked out that way.