And soo...

we bid farewell to 2008 at midnight tonight. Remember all the fun we had, all the people we met, and the changes that were great.

Sometime next year...how weird...I will re-cap on 2008.

Glimpses

I see some people going through the same thing that I've just recently been through myself. I was an angry, bitter person for a long time. Anger that was brought on by something that I did happen to have control over, but when the consequences turned into a blessing I failed to see it. That blessing is Brooke. I was angry at her father for a long time. I have since let that go. Upon meeting Colby I still had that anger and would often times take that out on poor little Brooke, like it was somehow her fault that he didn't want to be around. It's not her fault and it's not my fault and I have just come to discover that. He's made his decision and I can't force him to be something he's not. Would it be nice at times for him to be around, absolutely. But I can't be selfish and think about only myself in that situation. I have to think about the more obvious of questions. Would it be good and healthy for my daughter? Absolutely NOT!!! The questions others might consider are, would it benefit my bank account? To me there is no amount of money any one man could give me to compromise my daughters health, safety and happiness. There just isn't!!!

This has just posed another question in my mind. Why did I compromise my daughters happiness just to have a relationship with a man who wasn't willing to provide her with much to begin with. Yes, he did provide us with a home, fixed my car when needed, provided food, and a nice warm place to sleep. Was I happy, yes for a while, until things go rough with Brooke. I was too blind to see what he was doing to the both of us. I firmly believe that God has placed people in our lives to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. I have grown and seen how much I can do through all of this, and how much I've done for a long time. There for a long time I was working a full time job, going to school, and still meeting the needs of my daughter. Was it hard, absolutely, but we made it. I guilted myself for her behavior for a long time thinking that I was a terrible parent because I was goign to school, and working all the time while she was at daycare or being cared for by my parents. I enjoy the time I get to spend with her these days. Those days when she looks at you and says, "Mom, I wanna go to McAlisters and get something to eat, and I want to go in." Now what mom in their right mind can resist that. The girl just wants to have a nice sit down meal with her Mommy.

I can remember that when I first moved in with Colby, it was rush to get her and then not really be happy to see her, yet she was always delighted to see me, and then rush her home and start doing things around the house. I never took 5-10 minutes out to just be with her, and say you know what, those dishes can wait, the bathroom can wait, and if you want to eat, do it yourself. I know she suffered from this. This maybe where her behavior problems came in. It was her way to get attention because she wasn't getting it any other way. Most of the time all she wanted was for me to sit down and play with her. I did, if he wasn't there, but if he was there, we couldn't play because she wasn't allowed to drag out her toys into the living room, she might get in his way of game playing. Never again will I let these things happen to my daughter. It is my fault and I'm the parent who is to blame.
I
didn't know if I could raise a child by myself, but you know what I did it for the first 4 years of her life, I only had help for 6 months with her. I could go on another 10 years just her and I!!! I have survived, and we will continue to do it. Yes, there are times of financial roughness, but you know what, we've made it many times, and we can do it some more. I love my daughter and so long as you have love between you, money will never matter.

What do we know about love?

We do know that when you fall in love its the most incredible feeling in the world.  I have experienced that for myself.  I fell in love with the most amazing man back in April and on November 12th, that all came to a screeching hault.  Why do you ask?  Because he kept a record of wrongs.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  No tally sheets with the things that you've done and how many times you've done them.  Love is kind.  Kindness, hmm...what is that.  He was kind all right when things were going his way.  He loved me when Brooke wasn't around sometimes.  Yes, we got to spend more time like that when my parents kept her, but do you know what.  It wasn't quality time.  Going to dinner, then coming home and watching him play Call of Duty...oh yes, it was a romantic evening for all involved.  NOT.  Often times I went to bed by myself, only to be awoken by the sounds of bombs going off and rapid gunfire.  I understand that was his time to unwind.  But did you know that he more often times than not got home way before we did, because I had to drive a million miles to go home, and he would not pick up that X-box controller until we got there.  You would hardly ever come home to find him playing while we were gone and then get off because his "family" was home.   You see, we did lots of things as a family.  We went out, ate dinner, played outside, hung out, and you guessed it....we sat and watched as he played Call of Duty as a family.  He wouldn't let Brooke drag out her toys and have a grand old time because she would get in trouble.  He would pick the biggest battles with her instead of letting the small stuff go.   I'm not saying that he was a bad dad, but he was always onto her.  There are some things that she does, that don't really require that much harsh punishment, ie...the belt!!!  Yes, dear friends, it became her best friend. It was hard to sit back and take there for a while.  Knowing full and well that she did not respond to other forms of punishment....having her toys taken away.  She often times would tell him that she didn't like him anymore.  He never once said, that's okay because I still love you.  He would never tell her that on his own, she had to tell him first.  Now granted, I tell Brooke that all the time, because I do love her unconditionally.  He was new to this being a "Daddy" business and was the one to tell me that I shouldn't correct her if she says it.  Well, now I'm having to reverse that.  I hope he understands how much he's let her down.  How much she really did love him.  How much she really does want her Daddy back.

Oh the things you'd like to know...

I’m hanging in there. I don’t even know what to say anymore. It’s been so hard. So rough. Some days I’m okay. Sometimes I feel like crawling under a rock and dying. I feel like I’m at the point in my life where things aren’t really just about having fun and dating anymore. I’m looking for the man I’m going to marry. That one man that is going to sweep me off my feet. That one man that will love me and Brooke even with her four year old temper tantrums. That one man that she will want to play with and who will actually do it, even if it means that they have to play barbies or baby dolls with her. Who will sit on the couch and cuddle with her.
There are so many good things that have come from this.

I feel like I’ve grown closer to a lot of people. My dad and I talk about it all the time. I feel like I can call him up at anytime and just talk to him and inevitably I cry every time. He’s such a good dad and just tells me that I’m gonna be okay and that we are going to get through this. He’s been the world’s best dad forever. When I was pregnant with Brooke he was there for me through it all. He was so excited to have another grandbaby even though the circumstances weren’t ideal. He and Brooke are so incredibly close it’s unreal. I called him today and he just comforted me in knowing that we are going to get through this and that I will have learned many valuable lessons when this is all said and done. He constantly tells me that I’ll meet a man who will love me and Brooke unconditionally. I know that my daddy is right because well, I’m daddy’s girl, and he’s never lied or failed me!!!! I feel so blessed to have a dad like him.

I’ve always had a belief in God, but I can’t explain what’s happened here. I feel like I’m continuing to grow closer everyday to HIM. I feel like I’m starting to rely on HIM more and more. I know that He only gives you as much as He knows you can handle. That’s amazing, a God that knows when to stop and when to keep on pushing. He knows when you’ve had enough and you’re near your breaking point, then sometimes He keeps pushing just because He knows you won’t break but you will grow and become stronger from the experience. I feel like I’m growing and becoming stronger.

Breakups aren’t always easy and you can’t expect to be best friends again overnight. If you think that’s going to happen you are wrong. There’s going to be static and tension for a little while. There are going to be be harsh words said, and people are going to get hurt. But do not let your heart become cold and full of cobwebs, it’s then that you decide that you’ll never let anyone in. I feel so fortunate that I’ve had so many people there for me and caring for me. What an awesome thing!!! It’s so amazing. My friends have been incredible and so has my dad and sister. I don’t really talk to my mom about it much, I just can’t. I’ve never been close to her and I can’t really say that it’s going to change overnight. Relationships are hard, and breakups are harder especially when you’ve loved someone with everything you had. I’m going to give it time and see what happens. We shall see and only time will tell what will happen in the end.

Thanks again for everyone who’s been there to listen to me cry and talk about everything. You’ll never know how much it’s meant to me. I can not thank anyone enough for just calling and saying, hey I was thinking about you, are you alright. I will be okay, and I’m going to make it, but it’s going to take time to get myself there. I don’t understand sometimes, but none the less this is the way it’s going to be.

Day 3: Friends

Today I'm thankful for: Friends

Friends have got to be the most amazing thing that God could have blessed us with. All our friends are different in some way, but they are all truly amazing!! Friends are those people that you can turn to when things get hard in your life. When things are going your way. When you need someone to just listen to you when you talk, instead of talking with you. Someone whose shoulder stays wet from you crying on it all the time. A friend is my most prized possession. Without my friends where in the world would I be today. I happen to be blessed with I'd say three of the best friends a girl could ask for.

Megan~ We have been through so much in the last year between the both of us, however, there were some things that came between us but those things are over now and we are back on good terms. I'm so thankful to have her back in my life. I love how we can talk and cry and be okay with it. We have been friends since we were SIX. How many of you can actually say that? We have been through many hard times together. I just hope that I've been there for her as much as she's been there for me. Now wouldn't that be amazing.

Callie~ We have been friends since we were seven or so. We've had some amazing times together and probably the most interesting definitely. We've done some pretty crazy things together and it's been so eventful and interesting...thats for sure.

Layne~ WOWZA. I don't think we need to go into details about our relationship, it's one that only we understand.

Day 2: Brooke

Today I'm thankful for: Brooke

I'm thankful for that little girl because without her there is no telling where I'd be today. I'm amazed everyday by her love and innocence. Her thoughts are genuine and her love is REAL. If there is anything children can teach us, it's got to be real love. They are not biased based on anything going on, they either really do love you or they really don't. That little girl loves me more than anyone ever could. I don't know where I'd be without her here in my life. Yes, sometimes its hard to have her because I really missed out on that being young and partying, however, that's not what life is all about. I feel so blessed that God would trust me with the most precious life ever. She is on loan to me to raise to be the best person I can help her to become. Thanks kiddo for saving my life. Thank you for keeping me grounded everyday. Anyone who can sit down and say that life doesn't begin at conception is wrong. Life begins at that very moment. Just think what we'd all be missing if we didn't have that one person who meant the world to us in it.

17 days of things to be thankful for.

I'm going to do my own thing and Countdown to Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for all the time, but typically it gets looked over. We tend to forget how much we have until we lose something so precious and dear to us. The past two years have not been very holiday friendly for my family, but this year I'm going to make the best of it.

Today I'm thankful for GOD.

I'm so thankful that I believe in a God who loves me and forgives me of my many sins. He is amazing and although I don't really like the things that He seems to have planned for me and my family, I still really enjoy having a heart full of God!!! He lives in the very crevices of my soul. He loves me soo much and gave His one and only Son to save ME. How amazing is that. He gave his SON to save me and to forgive me. It's been so hard to see that things don't always go the way I want them to, but they aren't supposed to work out in my time, but in HIS time. He keeps me grounded in a way no one ever could. I love going to church and worshipping Him and singing about Him in the car. I'm so thankful that I can show His love to my daughter as well.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Thanks for making the Holidays a stressful time of year for everyone in our family. You have made it to where I could really care less about any of them because it's always so damn stressful.

Mom, you never help do anything, you sit on your ass and claim that you're back is hurting and what not. You order people around and then bitch when it wasn't done "right." I've gotten to the point where if I never have another family holiday I'd be fine with it. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells for you during this time. We can't even have a decent family freaking holiday because it's always about doing something to please you. I'm not about pleasing you anymore. I have a family now and I for once would like to do my own thing. Just for once without being freaking crucified for it. Why is it that when I finally have a boyfriend for the holidays and want to spend it with him, OMG...there is going to be a war because I need to spend it with my family. OMG...not everything is about your family. Where does MY family fit in? Oh wait, you are my family, but I have my own with Brooke now. Sometimes you make me want to hide in my room and not associate with anyone. I was so looking forward to not living with you during the holidays. If you think I'm going to sit in this house for two weekends in a row you are freaking WRONG!!

Dad, you act like an asshole because mom is being a bitch. Please stand up for yourself every damn once in a while. I know that due to some hormone therapy and the cancer you haven't been yourself in a while, I'm sorry for that, but please stand up for us too. You act like her being a bitch to your children during the holidays is okay. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not. She had abused us for long enough when we were younger, why the fuck don't you stand up for us now. When are you going to say enough is enough? It's time to let me go. Stay out of my personal business. If I think that you need to know something, I'll freaking tell you. It's MY LIFE. MINE and it's PERSONAL. My relationships have nothing to do with you. Stay out of them. If the both of you would quit freaking prying for information all the time, then maybe I'd be more willing to share with you what's really going on in my life. However, you can't seem to leave me alone about it, so you get no voluntary information anymore. Does it matter where I'm going to church? So long as I'm going and worshipping God, I don't think so. I'm going and you should be happy that we've found somewhere Brooke loves to go and that I enjoy as well. Just because I don't go to the same church or believe the same way you do anymore doesn't mean that I'm not going and worshipping the same exact God you do, I'm just doing it the way I've found that works for me.

Mom & Dad, You've got to begin to understand that I have a life and just because you're not in the middle of it or it doesn't involve you much anymore doesn't mean that I don't love you, it just means that I've gotten older and I really CAN do my own thing. I don't need you there to pick me up and dust me off with I fall anymore, or bandage my wounds. I can do all those things myself. You sometimes keep the wounds open. Just because you don't have a life doesn't mean that I don't. My life has just changed a lot lately. My life now includes Brooke and someone that I love very dearly. I'm sorry if you don't like the fact that you've been "replaced" but it's going to happen sooner or later. Dad, I'll always be you're little girl, and know that you'll never take the spoiled out of me, because you've done such a good job at it. But please respect the people that I love the most. Respect that they do their damnest to make sure that me and Brooke are taken care of and are happy. Someone makes me very happy and I'm happy about that, but please cut the cord, Dad. It's time to let go, and it will be okay.

Mom, leave me the hell alone. I wish I had nice things to say to you and about you but unfortunately I don't. You have created this for yourself. You've made your bed, now I really hope that you have fun wallowing in your own self pity, because you're the only one that feels sorry for you. You're health problems are probably due to the fact that you don't do anything. When was the last time that you took a nice stroll down the street...oh yea...I can't even remember the last time that you actually left the house just to get out. Go somewhere every once in a while and quit wondering why you're back always hurts, if you'd get off your ass and do something, it probably wouldn't.

Please know that Christmas will be spent with Brooke and I. I'm ready to do our own thing and it starts this year.

Kids

Kids can be such a catch 22.  Whether it be in everyday relationships or work.  Kids can put a kink in a lot of things.  I'm not really sure when all of this worked out that way.  

Since...

It's been a week and a half since I last posted. I guess I'll fill you in with some other news.

Life...wow, life has a way of waking you up and kicking in the pants all at the same time. Just when I thought things in my life were getting better, someone decided to put a huge hole in my heart. I haven't really been able to come to terms with all of this for a little while, but now I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to understand that all things happen for a reason and that we can't always be in control of a situation.

I'm not angry with God as to why my uncle has left this earth and gone to a better place. I'm angry with myself that I decided that dinner with Colby was more important to celebrate six months of us being together rather than going to have dinner with my family for what ended up being the very last time I would have been able to speak to my uncle while he was alive. I'm angry that I didn't just take that little bit of time out of my day and say yes, I'd love to go have dinner with you guys, knowing that James is going into surgery tomorrow. Who knew it'd be my last chance to talk to him. Everyday, I see things and I think man I wish he were alive to be able to ask him that. I saw something the other day and I said, oh I'll ask my Uncle James...problem is that I just want to hear his voice. I feel really guilty and I hope that God punishes me for not taking the time out of my day to just go be with my family for what was the last time. I've never been angry at God, I just know that if it hadn't have happened at the hospital, there was a very good possibility that it would have happened at the golf course or at his office. Its very hard to now come to terms with all of this having been able to clear my mind for a week. I miss him more and more everyday, and realize that it's really important to keep the memory of him alive for Brooke and his grandson Drew. Brooke is only 4.5 but she remembers him. Drew just turned 4 and probably won't remember that much about Grandpa.

We went over there to my aunts house last week and it was so quiet. His chair was very empty, the house was too quiet and I just missed the hell out of him. His watch sat on the dresser. The watch he's probably had for like 10 years or so, I don't think I've ever seen him without it. My cousin was playing with his range finder, and its so hard to see his things everywhere. The truck was in the garage. His stuff all around us, the music that he loved the most. That favorite chair that he was always sitting in. His name still comes up on the caller ID, and that's when it's the hardest.

Needless to say that I feel super guilty for not going that Saturday and having dinner with them. That's the place that HE wanted to go that evening. I miss him and I just hope that the grieving process gets easier. I know that in time it will. His birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are going to be especially hard this year. I know that with family it will all be better.

I love you and I miss you Uncle James.

God got an AMAZING man in heaven tonight

Last night my Uncle James went to be with the Lord. He made his tee time in heaven. On Monday he had what was just a routine hip replacement, and on Tuesday he had a brain aneurism. We all want to know how it is that you go in for one thing thats so routine and you don't get to come back out. That man meant the world to me and to see him hooked up to all those tubes and stuff was not easy. My dad has been so good to us kids through this whole ordeal. We've tried to help out and take care of all the things that we can. If we need to go get food, or just be a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks to all who prayed for my family. We really do appreciate it. We know that the Lord was with us yesterday as he called James to be with him. Welcome home James!!!! Know that you were a well loved man and I was proud to call you my uncle and honored to be there with you yesterday for the last time. I know that I'll see you again in heaven someday. Would you save me a seat beside you?

I have to say that Colby has been the best at just listening to me cry for the past couple of days. He's been the best boyfriend ever. I honestly don't know how I would've done had he not been around. It's been hard but he's handled it pretty well, and he's never once told me to suck it up. I hate death, and I've never really met anyone who enjoyed it anyway. Its just such a shock. Thanks honey for listening to me cry and just being there to comfort me and Brooke. We love you sooo much and you've made this experience a little less painful by just being someone on the outside willing to listen. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but thanks for continuing to love me through it all. I love you alot.

Six months and more.

We had the most fun the other night on our date without the little one. We went to dinner at this Italian place that we absolutely LOVE here, and then we went and saw the new movie "Fireproof". That was such a good movie and I suggest it for anyone. You don't just have to be trying to work out a marriage. You could be trying to work out a friendship or just a relationship like mine and Colby's. I'm so glad that we went and saw it. I think it gave us a new appreciation for one another. It has some good things to keep you thinking. I loved it.

I love that man with all of my heart. You have no idea. I wish everyone knew how amazing he was. He is just incredible. He never complains, and I usually just go along with what he wants to do. I'm pretty easy like that. I'm normally not the movie type, however, sitting next to him was so much more meaningful than say if my sister and I went. I realized how much I really do love him even after all that we've been through. I'm so glad that the last six months have been the best six months of my life. I can't imagine having spent them without him. He is the most kind, gentle, caring, and loving man ever. When I say "I love you" I'm not just going through some motion, it's because I really truly love him. I love everything about him, faults and all. You can't just love a few things about a person, you have to learn to love all of them. Whether they're missing a tooth, an eye, finger, whatever you have to love all of them. You can't just love them because they're handsome. Although, that's the best part. I fell in love with the most handsome man ever, and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend. No, he wasn't what I had expected when I first met him, but none the less I got to know the REAL him before, his personality, and that's what I fell in love with, who knew that I'd get the WHOLE package.

I need to get ready for work and pack my things and say adios to this place for another day. Please keep my uncle in your prayers as he is having a hip replacement today.

The most amazing six months of my life.

WOW, who knew I'd make it this long with one man.  After about 3 weeks I get tired and move on, sometimes I make it four months then get tired and move on.  However, after SIX MONTHS, I'm not tired and I'm not ready to move on.  There have been a roller coaster of emotions that have happened in the last six months, but I'm not turning lose of them, I'm going to cherish every bit of it.  

Colby and I finally met on April 11 the day before Brooke's birthday party and have been quite inseparable since.  He's been there for Brooke's birthday party, my graduation, Nemo on Ice, move out, move in, move back out day.   He's been there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and gotten dirty.  He's been there to watch Brooke grow.  He's supported me through school, and life, and bad times with my family.  He's been my rock through most of it.  Even before we started dating and were just talking all the time.  He was there to help me through the Gabriel thing. He even told me in the end that I needed to get away from him, boy am I glad I finally listened to him, after all of those months that he listened to me cry about it. He emailed me first about the middle of January and we've been talking on the phone since Superbowl Sunday.   He blamed me for the ear infection he had.  I'd been so sick and he claimed that he got it too via the internet. hahhhaha.  We tried to meet up several times, like I invited him to the drive in with Brooke and I, and he fell asleep on the couch.  Then I invited him to the Ranch with me and some friends, but he forgot his wallet, and then someone else called and said he was in town, so I thought it'd be best that he didn't come, you don't want to stir up trouble when it's not necessary.  Everytime we tried to meet it didn't work out.  It was so disheartening, however, it all worked out in God's time, not mine and not his.  I hope that I've supported him half as much as he's supported me.  I know that I've been a pain in the arse sometimes, but hey, who isn't.  

He has supported me through the most precious time in my life...SCHOOL!!!  He was there to help me out some days with my machine homework and to tell me what stuff meant.  He was there to help me design my house and download some software.  He was there telling me that I needed to go to class and not stay with him sometimes, as much as I wanted to.  He often times came to town to hang out with me after class.  I remember the first official dinner date we went on.  He took me to Cracker Barrel.  What a dinner that was, I LOVED every bit of it, and he made me laugh like no other.  Then we kissed in front of my sisters door.  I have to say that we have not been apart like this in a long time and it's super hard.  But when we get together it's a good time had by all.  We like to watch movies and just cuddle.  It's sooo much fun.  I LOVE it all.  

The most important thing is that he's never quit loving ME and BROOKE.  He's been the best "Daddy" to Brooke, something she's NEVER had.  She loves him soo much and when we aren't there she misses him a lot.  When we go over there she doesn't want to leave.  She loves that man with everything she has.  I love when she walks up to him, gives him a hug and says, "Daddy, I love you."  I know it's hard on him sometimes, but it's been an amazing journey and I hope that the journey never ends.  I remember when he told me that he wanted us to move back to my parents house that it just wasn't working there.  It was so hard on the both of us, but we've made it.  He told me at that instant that it didn't mean that he wanted us out of his life, but this is what we needed.  I've come to appreciate him that much more by being honest with me about that situation.  I love him so much and I can't imagine life without him at this point.  Where these next months will lead us I'm not really sure but I hope the months turn into years.  It's been so incredible.

I'm so thankful and I feel super blessed to have him in our lives.  Tonight we are going to have dinner by ourselves without Brooke.  We need the time to just be ourselves.  

Here are some pictures to document some of the things we've done.  

Park Time....

Park time with Terry, Jr. was so much fun this evening.  Brooke loves him soo much and they miss each other soo much.  I am just now starting to get to know Terry because I haven't seen him since I was probably 4 or so years old.  It's been hard living without that side of my family and I feel like I'm getting to know them so much better as I get older.  I love my dad's side of the family and it's a shame what was done to us so many years ago, by being taken away from them.  It makes me soo sad.  Terry felt it necessary to take Brooke to Dennis the Mennis Park this evening since I haven't really taken her there ever.  I hate that park, it's getting old and the City isn't really taking care of it really well anymore.  It's getting more and more ghetto all the time...of course once you consider the area of town that it's situated in, you can understand why.  I always remember going there in grade school as a big class.  They would take us to the fire station and then to the park, it was good times had by all.  I loved it always.  

It was good to watch the kid in him with the kid in Brooke.  It's amazing.  He was running and jumping and playing.  He's just a 35 year old kid.  Yes, I am by far the baby on both sides of the family.  I am the youngest of the grandkids on either side.  It sucks, yes it does.    He was telling me stories of what his dad, my uncle Brad and my dad used to do with him sooo many years ago.  WOW, that's pretty amazing.  

Tomorrow I celebrate six months, yes dear friends, I've been in love with the most amazing man for the last six months.  It's hard to imagine, because usually between 3 weeks and 4 months I let them go.  So six months with Colby is pretty amazing.  We have a dinner date tomorrow night and I'm totally excited.  I love that man with my WHOLE heart!!!!  You'll have to tune in tomorrow to see what the last six months have been like, I think you'll be pretty amazed, because I know I am.  Back to remembering.

Well, Brooke is trying to kill herself on that bicycle of hers so I suppose I should quit typing this and try and save her life...hmmm!!!!

Good night America!!!

A few more things...

We are awaiting the arrival of the most wonderful boyfriend in the world.  He's at church helping out.  I could not be more thankful to be dating a Christian man.  It makes the world go round.  I'm so glad that one Sunday I decided to go to church with him and I've been HOOKED every since.  I love going to that church.  I really do.  I love that on Sunday mornings Brooke comes and wakes us up and begs us to go to church.  I love that she comes to ask every day of the week if its Sunday yet.  I love how he makes us feel when we go as a FAMILY.  Yes mom and dad, that's what we consider ourselves, a FAMILY, like it or not.  Celeste you too.  I love that this weekend she's been HOOKED ON DADDY.  If she can't go with him somewhere she is absolutely SADDENED.  It's amazing.  I LOVE IT.  He's been the biggest blessing to our lives.  One I couldn't have asked for at a perfect time.  He's been everything I've NEVER had.  There have been some pretty remarkable ones in the things they did, but NEVER in my life have I been with the most WONDERFUL, AMAZING MAN.  He's everything the rest of them aren't, hence why I'm still with him.  After all we've been through he's continued to love Brooke and I more than ever.  This weekend has been incredible.  Friday night I came over and we had a good time sans Brooke.  Last night we came over here and went to dinner, watched a movie, and went to bed.  Today we went got up, went to church, I went and got lunch, and we watched the race on TV, which by the way Tony Stewart DIDN'T REALLY WIN.  But he won by DEFAULT.  It was gay and Smith should've won, fair and square.  Then we are fixing to go to dinner when he gets back from Church.  I absolutely LOVE that he is involved with the Media Ministry.  I want to become more involved, I've just got to take a little more initiative.  I would like to get involved with the kids in some way, whether its working in the nursery or doing something else.  Maybe the older kids is where I need to be.  I'm not sure yet, I'm still asking God where He wants me.  He'll lead me to where I need to be.  He's lead me thus far, I know that so long as I believe in Him it will all work out.  

Sometimes that's the hardest part is giving EVERYTHING to God.  Let Go & Let God!!!

Patience IS a virtue

Whoever said patience is a virtue is correct. I have tried to be more patient with things this week, and you know what it really has paid off. Things are getting better and better with Colby and I. Last night we had a kid free evening and that was nice. It was nice to find out who we were together again without Brooke, instead of being parents all the time. When I go over there we really don't get to enjoy much "us" time. Where we can just sit and talk or sleep, watch tv, whatever. We enjoy having a night out where we usually go to eat and then go home and watch a movie. That's always fun for us, because we don't get to do it very often at all. Colby has been sick all week, so going out to eat wasn't really an option as he wasn't that hungry. We ate at the same place, just at different times. It was soo nice to find ourselves again, and who we were together instead of who we were as a family. I love that man with everything I have and everything I am. It so amazing to start to get back to where we once were. A time to be ourselves again. It's been rough and there have been some hard times, but you know what, if I just have patience, which is really hard, it'll all work out just the way its suppose to.

Thank you for the best evening last night. Listening to the game with you and just laying on the couch was great. I loved just hanging out with you. Even if we really didn't do anything, it was still great. I love you very much and if I would just be more patient you would show how much you really love me, which you did last night.

Oh the things I know...

There are a few things that I know because I've figured them out.

I know that my daughter is the best thing to happen to me. I love that little girl more than life itself.

I know that the Almighty Father is my very best friend and he has shown that to me soo much lately.

I know that God only gives you as much as you can handle. If He can bring you to it, He WILL bring you THROUGH it.

I know that I have the two most amazing sisters in the world.

I know that my boyfriend is the love of my life and I really hope it works out with him.

I know that if I'm not careful in the things I do and say, I will lose him forever, and frankly I don't want that.

I know that I have a co-worker that is a great friend and more motherly than my own mom can be sometimes. Thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder many times Sue.

I know that Colby's best friend just had the worlds cutest baby. Welcome to the world Draven Zane.

I know that without my very best friend Megan, my world would fall apart. For she has held me together like duct tape sometimes, and she's healed more open wounds than she'll ever know about.

I know that I'm thankful to have Colby in mine and Brooke's life. For that is man is her daddy.

I know that I'm grateful to have a Heavenly Father to love me so much and to comfort me through some super hard times.

I know that I'm blessed to have an earthly father who also loves me very much and can comfort me in ways that are impossible to others. Thanks for letting me be a 24 year old daddy's girl.

I know that the man I love is very wise and sometimes he says things that simply amaze me. I can not worry about the future but I can not change the past.

I know that as of TODAY my dad is CANCER FREE!!!!

I know that my neices and nephew are a bigger part of my life than somedays I care to admit. I'm so glad that I have the privaledge to be called AUNT Kourtney!!!

I know that I'm grateful for the people in my life and the things I have, because without the many life experiences I would have neither gained or lost any of them.

I surrender

Through everything that has been going on in my life, the chaos...I feel like there is peace. This has been my anthem through this whole ordeal.

It's time for me to breath in and LET GO. God will provide and he will take care of me and my family through all of it. It's taken a few weeks to get to this point, but everytime I hear this song, it reminds me that if He can bring us to it, He CAN and WILL bring us THROUGH it. Our God is an AWESOME God. He has been there for me more than I care to admit somedays. It's definitely time to re-evaluate who I really am. Time to find myself again. I had abandoned all that I had and I did it for a long time. I had grown further apart from my sister and my family and it caused a lot of tension a lot of ways. I had grown further apart from my main priority, Brooke. I had become closer to God each day, just thinking Him for the wonderful life I was living. But was it really wonderful? Not that living with Colby was a bad thing, but we weren't doing it for the right reasons. I love him very very very much. We are still together, still going to church. None of that is changing, but I've got to find myself again. He's creating so much chaos in my life but somehow there IS peace.

Its time to face up and clean up my heart, clean my heart from the cobwebs that have formed there over time, causing my heart to harden towards a lot of things. My heart is GOD's home...it's time to clean up this old house. Time to make more room for Him again.

I surrender.

Lyrics to Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) :
Sanctus Real

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

I...

I am: a mom

I dream: of that magical walk down the aisle to that someone I love

I think: Brooke was sent to save me

I know: I can be a real bitch sometimes

I want: to know what the future has in store for me

I have: the most loving sister, dad, daughter, and Boyfriend

I wish: things wouldn’t have happened the way they did

I hate: when people don’t pick up their feet

I miss: Colby

I fear: that I might lose him for good

I feel: anxious, and I’m not sure why

I hear: the love in Brooke’s voice

I smell: like I just showered

I crave: sopapilla cheesecake

I search: for acceptance from my parents

I wonder: what HIS plans are next

I regret: taking Colby with me that one Sunday

I love: my daughter, my life, my family, and my boyfriend

I ache: for a kiss and a hug from the one I love

I care: for others, but often forget myself

I always: try to make it seem like mommy is okay when I’m really not

I am not: always right

I believe: in God and all things He created. I also believe that He has a plan for ME

I dance: wherever and whenever

I sing: at the top of my lungs

I cry: more than I should

I don’t always: things happen for a reason.

I fight: for what I believe in.

I write: when I need to get something off my chest.

I win: at being loved

I lose: my patience often

I never: thought I’d fall in love with a man who works in the oilfield

I confuse: myself more often than not

I listen: when I should

I can usually be found: at work, my sisters, or Colby’s, hardly ever at my parents

I am scared: of losing him

I need: to count my blessings more often

I am happy: about life

I desire: to be a better person

I hope: that things work out for us. If it’s in God’s plan it will.


Thanks Lou for something to write about today.

Change...

I don't really like change and I don't really adapt all that well unless it's something that I'm adament or super comfortable about. This weekend I got the news that it wasn't going to work with Colby and I living together. Things had gotten really bad with my parents and it wasn't Colby or anyone else's fault but my own. I had allowed things to become super bad and standing up for myself and my family wasn't something I had learned to do at an early age because everytime I tried I just got shot down. It sucked. It was time. Somethings happened a couple of weekends ago that involved my parents, Colby, Brooke, and I. It was not good for her to be a witness to the things that happened to Mommy & Daddy!!!! I was baffled at the scene in my parents house, and I was so glad to go home. Now I'm home to my mom & dad's house. I don't want to be here, but this is what we felt needed to happen. I needed my mom & dad just like Colby needs his. Brooke needed to feel the love of her grandparents instead of the hostile environment that was frequent when we were all together. We felt this was a despirate attempt to salvage the relationship that we have. It's been great, living with someone else, however, I'd like to live on my own sometime soon. That is something I have yet to do in my young life.

I miss going home to somewhere that I can have fun and hang out with my friends. A place where Brooke has a couple of playmates for the evening. A place where I can go hide away if all isn't well in my world. It was "our" space. It wasn't all that big or fancy, but it was a place to call home. A place that was filled with love and you could feel it when you walked in the door.

I love Colby very much and although I haven't always agreed with what he's said or done, I still love him. I'm sure he hasn't agreed with my things either. I honestly and sincerely can say that I can't imagine him not being a part of my life forever. I love that man with all I have, and all I am. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone. He loves Brooke unconditionally and she loves him the same. She's excited about getting to spend some time with her Daddy and not seeing mommy & daddy crying this weekend. She's excited to go see him. When I first got the news I fought to stay, fought to try to make it work, but there were other plans in store. When we told Brooke that mommy & her would be moving back to Meme & Poppi's house, she cried. She didn't want her daddy to stay there. She wanted him to go with us. It was hard on Colby to fight not to make us go.

I love you Colby very much and I can't imagine my life without you in it. You are the most amazing man ever. I love you for WHO you are not what you are. I love sitting and playing with you or joking and cutting up, or just laying there talking when it's time to go to bed. Those are the things I miss. I miss coming home to your loving touch, and your sweet kisses. I miss you but this weekend is going to be INCREDIBLE!!! I love you very very very much!!!

Now isn't that man at the top just the most handsome thing. It doesn't matter if he's wearing his space glasses or wearing his hard hat!!! I love him!

September 11, 2008

Today we remember the victims of a senseless tragedy on American soil. I choose to remember someone special today as I do every year. He was a dad, a husband, a brother, and a son. He is remembered by me on this special day. Please go visit my post about Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. Lets pay all these fine men and women who lost their lives a nice tribute today, because after all, it's their day.

I can tell you exactly where I was on this day 7 years ago. I was sitting in first period when I went to go collect attendance, one of my principals found me and asked if I had seen or heard about what was going on. I said no and he quickly filled me in. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing and how my hair was done. I remember all the small details about that day. I remember wondering if a family member was okay as he worked in the Pentagon. Come to find out he had just left minutes before the "plane" hit the pentagon. He went back inside to help get people out. Countless people lost their lives at the hands of others who were using America's resources and would eventually pay us back in the worst way ever.

Lets honor the people who lost that fight today. Make America proud.

To honor someone for many years to come if you wish to do so, go sign up at http://www.dcroe.com/2996 .

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

WOWZA!!!

I know it's been a while since I last blogged. I'm starting to see how things are going in everyone else's world however. I know I haven't provided the coverage I should have sometimes, but other times it's quite easy to let eveyone into my life and what's going on. Since the last time I blogged, which was when our hamster left our presence we've gotten a new hamster, had a few differences, and Colby has lost one of his co-workers to a terrible accident, and my car is up and running again.

Lets start with the new addition. She is absolutely precious and so much more well behaved than Rascal ever was. She hasn't really bitten anyone badly as of yet, but she squeaks at us to let us know that she is not happy. She is so very outgoing and I just love it. She's so sweet. She likes to go swimming so we fill up the bathroom sink and let her go. She gets bath's frequently, and she loves that too!!! She likes to play dead sometimes as well. It's so funny. Colby doesn't like her color but he absolutely loves her personality, which I do too. She's soo funny all the time, and goofy. When she cleans herself she'll clean whoever is holding her as well. It's so awesome. She's pretty young but I don't really know how young but she's still pretty little. SHe's soo funny and we love it.

Colby lost a co-worker in a super bad accident where they flipped the truck. It ended up crushing his skull. This happened Last Saturday. The phone rang and rang and rang off the hook and it was sad and hard to watch him go through that. All I could say was I'm sorry and those weren't even words that could begin to scratch the surface on how he felt, or even begin to comfort him during that time. I love him alot and it gave me a new appreciation for him. I love him sooo much and I really don't know what I'd do without him.

Things have been a little rocky but you know what, we're going to make it so long as we continue to work out our differences instead of letting them build up until we both get soo mad that it all comes crashing down at once. It's hard but we're going to get there. TOday has been excellent I'd say.

The wheel bearing on my car went out about 3 weeks ago and that was a nightmare. Colby fixed it and I couldn't be happier. At first they gave us the wrong part and that is rather agravating, but he took it back and got the right part which is good. He fixed it on Friday and I'm so thankful that I have a handy man in my house.

Brooke is doing good and will start school in a year. I'm not really getting excited about school shopping. I'm glad that Colby likes to school shop apparently from what he told me on Saturday. SO I suppose he can take her...ahhahhahahah!!! I'm not going. I HATE IT!!

Anyway, that's the update to my life.

The hardest things in life are death!!!!

Today we looked in Rascal's cage, our hamster, and Colby noticed that she was breathing very heavily and she looked very scared. He picked her up and she was super scared looking. She couldn't move and looked to be having convulsions. It's hard to see your pet going through that and suffering until they die. Colby and I had to make probably the biggest decision of our lives. Do we let her die naturally or do we help her out? Neither one of us could stand to see her suffering so we opted for the latter of the two decisions. We decided on the time and I went to the bathroom and while I was in there the deed was done. I walked back into our bedroom and saw Colby crying. She was already cold as she layed there so peacefully. She was not suffering anymore, but that was the hardest thing Colby has ever done. He told me that himself. Being the man I suppose he felt obligated to do such a thing. I know it was hard for him. He got a box and we told Rascal that we loved her and that we missed her. We went and found Brooke and let her know the news. She was very upset as we all huddled together and cried for the loss of Rascal. It's definitely been a challenge to be a family and make this decision because if I had to do it on my own she would have been left there to die on her own. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't. It was super hard for him I know and I love him even more because we decided as a family what was best for our pet. I LOVE YOU COLBY!!!

There was this boy and this girl...

So there once was this boy and this girl who talked for four months before they met in person. They had tried and tried to get together, but it never worked out, until one fateful day. The girl was cleaning her sister’s apartment trying to get it all ready for her daughter’s birthday party the next day. She decided that today was the day that she and this boy were to meet for the very first time face to face. She invited him over to her sisters apartment where her and her daughter where cleaning. He knocked on the door and the door quietly opened and the most handsome man ever was standing on the other side of that door. They never shook hands or introduced themselves, for they knew all along who one another one. They simply gave each other a huge hug, and the girl was totally excited. She wanted to kiss this boy who was looking so handsome in his orange shirt that had blue stripes. A very nice shirt the girl thought, in his favorite pair of 20x jeans, and boots. His hair was nicely combed and gelled. She fell in love with him the minute he walked through that door. You see this girl was dating someone else at the time and didn’t want to kiss the boy, but a few days went by and they started seeing more and more of each other until they went on this date and when we got back to my sisters we kissed. It was the most wonderful kiss ever. That girl and that boy have been inseparable every since.

Yes, dear friends this is the story of Colby and I. I love this man with everything I have and everything I am. He is the most amazing man ever, and I love the fact that we are a family now. I fall more and more in love with him everyday. I love going home to him after a hard day’s work because he always makes me feel so incredibly special. He doesn’t mind showing affection for me in public. He is the most amazing man to Brooke!!! It truly is incredible. I love living with him and saying goodnight yet knowing that when I wake up in the morning it’s him beside me.

Colby, I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend than what you’ve been to me, and a better “father” to Brooke!! She loves you soo much even when she says she doesn’t because you made her mind!!! I love you and I’m not going anywhere in life without you right there by my side. You were there for the second most important even in my life, graduation, and you’ve continued to stick it out with me, during everything. I know I can be a pain at times, but I truly do love you!!!!

So frustrated...

HELP!!! I get so frustrated sometimes I don't know what to do. I want to spend time with him in the evenings, when Brooke is swimming is the perfect time for us to just forget about everything and talk. I don't know what to do. All I ask that at least once a day he come out and talk, I get tired of doing everything by myself and him doing everything by himself and then we never have any time together. It's stupid and it sucks. Then when I say something about it everything goes to shit. I don't have a problem with him doing his own, but damn I come home cook and take care of Brooke and do whatever else needs to be done. I suppose thats the difference between him having two balls and me having two boobs. WHAT'S A GIRL TO DO?! He just wanted to go play Call of Duty, which is fine, but he can't do it when we're around because "we get in his way." Okay, that's great so when told that he could go inside and play CoD4 he's like no because you're going to be mad. I told him that I could get glad in the same pants I got mad in. It must be nice to be able to just do your own thing, but when do I get time?! Really, I don't ask for much so the least he can do is try and spend some time with me. The time we have is us laying in bed talking about everything that happened or our feelings or something. It sucks and I don't want to talk about everything at 11:30 while we're laying in bed. While Brooke is playing in the pool is the perfect opportunity for us to just sit and talk while she's occupied with something else. I understand that sometimes in the evening's it's hot here and he's been outside all day long in the heat, I do understand that, but this evening was nice. It's not like I was asking for a million dollars. Although, when I told him that I hated taking her swimming when some of the guys and their kids are out there he seems like it's no big deal.

Now granted I also understand that he's not used to having kids around all the time like with us living here now, and I respect that and we talked about that last night. But I'm trying to teach him and show him things and I feel like I get shot down. I was invited to something on Thursday night and I can't go because I have nothing to do with Brooke yet I'm not going to ask him to keep her either. She'd be cooped up in the house while, I was out having a good time with my girlfriends. I don't know what to do. It's so scary and sometimes I just want to give up, yet I know I can't. I'm not going to give up and regret it for the rest of my life. We have to work through it, we have to if it's going to work.

I don't know what to do, yet here is my post because I don't know what else to do and it won't be up for very long.

Kiss that special someone and tell them that you love them.

I LOVE YOU CDT!!!

WOW!!!

Yet again it's been a while since I blogged.

I have since the last time, caught up with an old friend, currently working on moving out of my parents house, gone back to church regularly, and I've fallen in love with the most amazing man ever. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I wish everyone could understand, but unfortunately they won't.

We are currently looking for a bigger place to live, considering right now we are in a one bedroom that is seriously small, but we're living. I'm excited about the "new life" and the new road I'm on. I don't know where it will take me but so long as it's somewhere nice and safe where people love me then I don't really care. Not that my family doesn't love me but I'm super ready to start a new life!!! Super ready. We submitted an application to rent the most beautiful little condo ever!! SO CUTE!! It's a 2 bedroom, 2 bath, 2 car garage, big kitchen, little living room, laundry room. It's very cute and affordable, and I forgot to mention that it has an atrium. The master bathroom is super cool. You walk in and the side of the tub is level with the floor, so it's sunk in. Very cool!!! The master bedroom is large as well. I love the front door, it's individual panels of stained glass, very pretty, and old like. We are excited, however, I'm not going to get too excited because if we don't get it I don't want to be disappointed, if you know what I mean. I'm not going to set myself up for getting all worked up over nothing. If we don't get it we'll find something new.

Anyway, so Megan and I went to our favorite Chinese food place the other day, and it was grand. I haven't been there since she left. If you recall or maybe you're new so you don't know but we used to eat there every Friday and we started something called Fortune Cookie Friday. We got our fortune cookies this go round, and wouldn't you know it, they were BOTH EMPTY!!! Yes, we had no fortune, neither one of us. We don't know what that means, do you? Is that good or bad?

I hope everyone has a safe and fantasic Memorial Day weekend, I know I'm looking forward to it!!!

Kourt.

Months...

I haven't posted in nearly TWO MONTHS. WOW!!!

SO much to catch everyone up on, considering no one reads my blog anyway.

Where shall I begin. Lets start with the post below me.

That relationship is no more. There was NO communication at all. That makes for a not very good relationship at all. We never talked. We sat there and watched TV and if I talked he ignored me. I was tired of him being gone all the time but what really pissed me off was that when he would go out of town, he wouldn't call and he wouldn't answer his phone. No we're not talking overnight friends, we're talking for FOUR days he would be gone and wouldn't call or anything. It kind of makes a girl wonder what's really going on while he is gone!!! So I asked to talk to him about all those things and I haven't heard from him again in several days, so I'm assuming it's over.

About a month ago I found out that I will be a college graduate on May 9th. WOOHOOO!!! I've worked so hard to get to this point with working, going to school, and taking care of Brooke. It's been an amazing adventure but I'm sure glad for it to be over with.

Brooke had her tonsils taken out the first of March, and wow, I'm so glad to have a semi-healthy child again. It's amazing. We were home for a week and that was interesting. I've never spent a Spring Break at home with her. It was great fun but I sure was glad to get back to work.

I can't really think of anything else. So I suppose that's it.

Been a wild two months and I'm so glad for it to be gone!!!!

I have been talking to this awesome guy Colby, and he's been around, came to Brooke's birthday party. Oh yes, and she turned Four on the eighth. I can't believe how big she has gotten and how much she's grown up. Anyway, we are going to try to wait to start anything until I'm done with school. That's not whats getting in the way, but I think it's important to focus on school and not on a guy right now. My main priority is getting the heck out of there, because I'm READY!!!!!!

What is Love?

We all sit and wonder if we'll ever meet Mr. Right, or will he just be Mr. Right now? Then we ask ourselves, what is love? There is no definition of love. Everyone's definition is different. I love this man to the left and there is no doubt about it. We can be doing nothing and we would both be happy just to be in each other's presence.

What he says sums it all up. "I could never leave the one that makes me laugh." I was told this after I found out that he had been in the hospital for two days and I had NO idea!!!! I miss him when he's gone, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't know how and I definitely can not explain it, but it does. I don't love him because he has a great job, his good looks, or because he satisfies me in any other way than emotional, those things are just perks. I love him because even I can stay with him for a night, we can snuggle and the moment I get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, he asks, "where are you going sweetie?"
I love him because I get to call him and wake him up in the mornings so his voice is the first one I hear and he the same. I love him because even when he's super busy at work I can call and talk to him about whatever is bothering me and I know that when I start to cry he is going to be there for me. He will take the time out of his busy schedule to talk to me, no matter what. I love this man because he loves Brooke, and he cherishes that she loves her mommy. I love him because he's just him. He doesn't put on a front to try to make everyone like him, if you don't then screw you. That's just the way he is, what you see is what you get. I love him because even at four thirty in the morning when he leaves for work, he kisses me and tells me to be careful. I love him because he tells me these things not matter where I'm going. I JUST LOVE HIM FOR HIM!!! These things are hard to say because I think we're both just waiting for the other to say it at this point, and I'm not going to say it first. I catch myself wanting to, but I also know I don't want him to run either. I don't want to lose the one good thing in my life right now and that is him. I have Brooke and she'll always be a HUGE part of my life, but at this moment in time and for the last month, he's played a HUGE role in mine and Brooke's life.

No he wasn't able to make it home on Valentine's day, but you know what I was grateful he called. Grateful that no matter what I got to talk to him. It is so hard to get mad at him because he can make you laugh in the same sentence he made you mad in. It's amazing. He makes me laugh and even people at my office have said that I'm much happier with him. They can see it in me. I smile more, I laugh more, and I'm just myself more. I am relaxed with him, and it's amazing!!! I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!

I stayed the night last night, and you know what, we did nothing. I went and got him dinner because he had worked hard yesterday, and at about 10:15 we crawled into bed, and watched some TV, and about 10:30 he turned it down and we cuddled and went to sleep. It was awesome. Woke up this morning and I told him I didn't sleep worth shit, and he said he slept great. He slept great because I was there for him to hold, he stayed cozy, and he wasn't alone. It was AWESOME. Amazing, and I loved every minute of it. What I didn't love was when they came beating on the door at 4:15 this morning!!!!

He is so good with Brooke, and she has taken a liking to him. It takes a long time for her to decide if she likes a man or not. She doesn't warm up very quickly because she's leary of men. She's never had to share her momma with anyone so this is something completely new to her. We went over there Friday and she layed down by him most of the time we were there. She's come a long way from telling him "I don't like you" to sharing her goldfish with him, which is pretty rare too!!!!!

Bucket List

Tonight Brooke and I went to watch Fools Gold and The Bucket List. I have to say that TBL was the better of the two movies. I loved it. Perhaps it’s because there are so many things that you say you want to do before you die, but when you’re so close to death those things seem so real. So why not while we all think we still have time to live make our own bucket list? It also hit home in a very sensitive way. Both of these men were fighting Cancer and both of them were taken from it. This past year as many of you know my dad fought cancer and we won’t know until March if he has beat it. June of last year he had his prostate removed and everything looked promising, then in November we found out that it was back. He went through six weeks of radiation and like I said we are still waiting to find out if he has in fact beaten this nasty disease. I’m not sure if my dad had a bucket list or not but I’m pretty for sure that at no point in all of this he thought he was going to die. So tonight, I sit here, pondering upon some of the things in the movie and wondering what is MY bucket list? What am I going to put on it? At the ripe old age of 24 you never think that at any time you could or will die, but at any point it could be your last breath, your last hello/goodbye, and that goodbye could be forever. It could also be the last time that you tell someone that you love them. Then the one you never told will never know. Maybe that’s where I am. Neither one of us want to say it first…hahahah…I’m waiting it out. My bucket list might start out simple but as the simple things turn complicated so will my years of knowledge, courage, and growing faith. These things will change what will end up on my bucket list. No, I’m not dying, that I know of, I’m pretty healthy I think, but why wait until your dying to start one?

Kourtney’s Bucket List

~Change someone’s life for the good.
~Raise Brooke to be the most well behaved, and courteous girl.
~Go skydiving
~Fall in love with the most amazing man.
~Tell someone I love you.
~Visit Italy, Germany, Europe, and Japan.

So for now that is my bucket list. You can put anything you want on there, but don’t let anyone tell you that something shouldn’t be on your list.

On another note, my Gabriel comes home tomorrow and I’ve never been more excited!!!! I’m hoping to get to see him sometime next week!!! WOOHOO!!! I’ve missed him so much, he’s been gone since, February 7th, and it’s been tough. Dating someone in the oilfield has definitely been a change that I have had to get used to. It was something that we weren’t exposed to when I was a kid. I’m not sure that anyone ever gets used to it. I was talking to someone else that works in the oilfield and he mentioned that most marriages result in divorce because the men are gone so much. I mean money is definitely not an object to me, sure it’s nice to have, but it doesn’t make you a better person. Infidelity is the most common in these divorces, but I’m afraid that if you really do love your husband you wouldn’t do some other guy!!!

Anyway, I can’t wait to see him and give him his Valentine’s day present. I’ve missed him a ton!!!

Until next time America….

Updates

Well, things with me and Gabriel are going good. My birthday has since passed and he was home to enjoy that. I was grateful!!!! My sister, her boyfriend Jimmy, and Gabriel took me out for a surprise little party on the 26th of January!!! I was so happy to see him because he'd been out of town!!! I'm so excited he's in my life, it's amazing to find someone who treats you really well. It started out with the night at dinner, but he'd said he wasn't going to back in town so I thought it was just going to be my sister, Jimmy and I when we loaded in the truck for dinner. Then Gabriel showed up and my night go so much better. It was amazing!!! Then they took me to this Country "club" called The Ranch. Where we danced until morning and drank ourselves silly. He drove so he had one beer!!! I had 3 crown and cokes of my own but when my sister would go out to dance with Jimmy, I would drink hers up!!! Hahahahah, so in reality I had about 4-4.5 crown and cokes. Then my sister and I went to the bathroom, because we go in packs for some reason, and our way back we decided to stop at the bar and get 4 shots of Patron. Sensible, right, there were four of us. Well, Gabriel decides that since he's driving me back he's not going to take his, so who gets it. Yes, the birthday girl of course takes two shots like a trooper!!! He helped me out by blowing in my face so that I would swallow it. A common trick used with children to help them take their medicine because human reaction is that when someone blows in your face you suck for air!!! Just the way it works, I use it on Brooke all the time!!! I felt better this time, as I wasn't so sick, although I did have a double ear infection and cotton growing out of my ears, but whatever!!!! No one knew but the four of us!!! hahahah!!!

It's been a hard adjustment to get used to him being gone a lot, but I'm going to make it. I know I'm going to be okay, and I will get used to it in due time!!!! My dad was never gone because he didn't work in the oil field, so I was not used to it as a child. It's been hard!!! I broke down for the first time yesterday. He's once again out of town and this is something that yes, even I have to get used to. It's the economy around here and without it he wouldn't be here. He's such a great guy!!! I love him to pieces!!! He makes me smile and laugh all the time, even when he's not around!!! I talked to him yesterday and just explained that it's hard when he's gone because it's something that I'm not used to. He has to travel a lot for work and I understand that. But yesterday, my emotions came flowing out. I try to be strong and sometimes it's so hard to do. I kept myself semi-busy yesterday, so that when I finally had a chance to slow down and give him a call, I broke down. All of that days emotions just came crashing down, and he was the lucky one.

I tried to talk about things that involved happiness, and I did a lot of subject changing, but we talked about his job and how this was the life. How my dad has been in construction all my life so he was never gone. It's hard, but this is something that I'm going to have to get used to. Around here you can NOT date people who are not directly related to the oil industry. The company he runs moves drilling rigs. He sometimes has to go out of town to go work on that stuff. It's hard, but I'm slowly adapting. This is the LIFE of WEST TEXAS!!!! I tried so hard to be strong and I feel like I failed. I failed myself at saying that I could do it, and I failed him by not being strong for him. I can do it, I just have to convince myself that it will all be alright!!!! I miss him like nothing else, but I know that he will be back on Sunday and that when I see him again it's going to be the greatest feeling ever, just to give him a big hug and kiss.

In the last post I mentioned that I wanted flowers from someone that I loved on my birthday, and you know what I got them. They are beautiful!!! They came from my sister. They are beautiful. The only thing I wanted was for Gabriel to come home and I got that, so I was pleased. Spending time with him was enough!!!!

Dear Friends,

and graduates...j/k. I found out that come May I will be adding to the list of college graduates in my family. It is exciting, scary, and a bunch of other emotions combined. It's been a rough first two weeks, as the first week Brooke and I were both sicker than dogs, and the second week, I've been fighting off a double ear infection. Class has been interesting as I sit in Never Never land most of the time!!!!

I have met someone new and he is amazing and exciting at the same time. He doesn't want me to move in or anything tomorrow. He understands that I'm busy I understand that he's busy and so the time we do get to spend together we absolutely cherish. He works for a trucking company, and he loves it most of the time!!!!! They do rig moves and such!!!! He's one of the lucky ones who gets to sit in his nice leather chair out of the elements, but sometimes, like today, he has to go out and actually work. I do give him a hard time and he returns it. You really can't meet someone who ISN'T in the oilfield out here. He makes me laugh and I make him laugh so we're all good. I'm going to see where it takes us in the next couple of months. I don't really forsee anything bad happening between us, we have such a great time together. He, my sisters man, my sister and I all went out for her birthday and we had such a great time together. When you get us all together you never know what's going to happen, in the company of friends anything is possible. My sister likes him and thinks he's a nice guy, so that is good. Now I've just got to get him to meet my parents!!!!

My Brookins is changing yet again. She's growing up, and she's starting to look more and more like a little girl vs. a toddler. It's amazing how fast they grow up. I miss her on the weekdays because I attend class 4 out of 5 nights a week, and it's hard on her and myself. She's the light of my life. She has decided she doesn't like Gabriel because she's not ready to share her momma!!! I tried to explain to he one night that I will always love her but that she has to share!!! She doesn't understand, she just doesn't like when we hug and stuff!!! It's really hard on the both of us I think. He tried to explain to her that he loved her and that he loved her mommy too...she didn't take too kindly to that!!!!! I don't blame her.

Its been a ride this year already. Dad has finished his radiation treatments. My sister is on a better path to a new more exciting life. Where she has met the most wonderful man who treats her and everyone else with respect. He's been there more for those kids than their own father has.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but my birthday is coming up and I expect flowers on my desk on Feb. 4th from someone I love!!!