Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Positivity - Negativity

I hate to cover up the post below which is filled with positivity with a post that is filled with so much negativity. However I must vent to the world of the unknown where no one seems to care but me, and when I get it off my chest I too will no longer give a rats ass about it either. Rest assured however that it is NOT about Colby, the LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

I have tried my hardest to raise my daughter with as much positivity in her life as one can muster up. Yes, I too at times fail at showing this too her when I’m having a bad day or letting negativity get in my way. I sometimes am not the best example. Yet, no matter what I’m trying my hardest to show her these things. As a child I was not raised like this, in fact none of us were, at least not my middle sister and I. We were raised on these things right here, “You could always do better. You didn’t try hard enough. What were you thinking? That isn’t good enough.” You see those things came from my mom. Never a day in my life have I heard my mom tell me that I looked pretty or that I did something right. I was always wrong or could do better. I showed pigs for ten years and no matter how hard I got out there and showed it was not good enough for her. No matter how hard my sister tried to run in a cross country meet it was never good enough for mom. NEVER. I think we have spent most of our lives trying to please my mom. I give up. I’m done. I am who I am and its not because of her. If it weren’t for my dad saying these things, “You did a good job, the judge just wasn’t impressed, we’ll get them next time. Kourtney, you look pretty today. You know no matter what happens I’ll still be here for you. We’ll get through this, don’t you worry, you’ll be alright.” If it hadn’t have been for those things and that man in my life, where would I be? I suppose the better question is WHO would I be today? My mom always told us that she tried to build our self confidence or our self esteem, all the while she was tearing them down. But she didn’t get me. Yes, I was the skinny girl in high school who was too damn fat. I was not fat at all. Whose to say that you’re fat when you’re comfortable in your own skin.

Parenting is a learned behavior and if you wish to change it, YOU must break the cycle. As a kid I was abused and it still continues sometimes in front of my daughter to this day. My daughter has been witness to some of the same things as I witnessed when I was her age. However, this time I have the power to get up walk out of my parents house and take my daughter with me out of safety concerns for her. Have I done it, oh yes, many times. I calmly ask her to grab a few things and we leave. I have left because of my dad and I have left many times because of my mom, and I’ve even had to call out the Sherriff’s office on them. My dad is a very loving and caring man however as his age has progressed he becomes less tolerant of many things. One Christmas I was forced to leave my own home because my dad tried to hit me with Brooke standing right there. I was able to fight him off as he was weak because of the radiation he had been undergoing.

This is the cycle I have chosen to break. Yes, sometimes I don’t punish Brooke in the manner that she needs it and will many times walk away. I would rather do that than have her feel the way I feel today. I do not want her to experience those kinds of things. Now, the girl has an attitude and she comes by it honestly. I tell her everyday how much I love her and how much I care about her. I take her to do things. She loves to go to the drive-in so during sometimes on the weekends we go see a movie…it just depends what is playing. This is something that we both enjoy. We don’t eat dinner and we go early enough to get their good ole chicken strip dinner with many things, sit in the car and eat, and then during the intermission before the second movie starts is when we go in get candy and sit in the car and enjoy each others company. We sometimes have date nights, just the two of us. At Christmas we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, then went Christmas light looking. That was oh so much fun that night. I take her to expensive places and then sometimes we go to places likes Chic-fil-a so she can eat and play. Colby and I talked last night and no matter what my mom tries OUR children will know how much they are loved. They will never have to doubt our love for them. I often do, and a lot of times when I tell my mom I love her, it’s not the truth. I have doubted that for a long time. What mother tries to do harm to their children and let their anger get in the way? My mother, she has tried to hurt us to the point of no return more than once. Trying to kill me when I was 12, then trying to break my neck when I was 13. She has beat the shit out of my middle sister which scared my oldest sister to the point of sleeping beside her bed one night making sure my sister was going to make it through the night. Now I want you to know that my dad is not perfect in any way, shape, form or fashion. He stood by that evening and did nothing while my mom beat the shit out of his daughter. Those kids were not bore from my mom, they were created out of love by my dad his first wife. My mom took over the raising of them when she and my dad got married.

I would never allow Colby to do those things to my children and he would not allow it either. You are suppose to protect, nurture, and love your children never causing harm or bringing harm to them. Isn’t that was being a parent is all about? You would think.