Sunday, October 26, 2008


It's been a week and a half since I last posted. I guess I'll fill you in with some other news., life has a way of waking you up and kicking in the pants all at the same time. Just when I thought things in my life were getting better, someone decided to put a huge hole in my heart. I haven't really been able to come to terms with all of this for a little while, but now I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to understand that all things happen for a reason and that we can't always be in control of a situation.

I'm not angry with God as to why my uncle has left this earth and gone to a better place. I'm angry with myself that I decided that dinner with Colby was more important to celebrate six months of us being together rather than going to have dinner with my family for what ended up being the very last time I would have been able to speak to my uncle while he was alive. I'm angry that I didn't just take that little bit of time out of my day and say yes, I'd love to go have dinner with you guys, knowing that James is going into surgery tomorrow. Who knew it'd be my last chance to talk to him. Everyday, I see things and I think man I wish he were alive to be able to ask him that. I saw something the other day and I said, oh I'll ask my Uncle James...problem is that I just want to hear his voice. I feel really guilty and I hope that God punishes me for not taking the time out of my day to just go be with my family for what was the last time. I've never been angry at God, I just know that if it hadn't have happened at the hospital, there was a very good possibility that it would have happened at the golf course or at his office. Its very hard to now come to terms with all of this having been able to clear my mind for a week. I miss him more and more everyday, and realize that it's really important to keep the memory of him alive for Brooke and his grandson Drew. Brooke is only 4.5 but she remembers him. Drew just turned 4 and probably won't remember that much about Grandpa.

We went over there to my aunts house last week and it was so quiet. His chair was very empty, the house was too quiet and I just missed the hell out of him. His watch sat on the dresser. The watch he's probably had for like 10 years or so, I don't think I've ever seen him without it. My cousin was playing with his range finder, and its so hard to see his things everywhere. The truck was in the garage. His stuff all around us, the music that he loved the most. That favorite chair that he was always sitting in. His name still comes up on the caller ID, and that's when it's the hardest.

Needless to say that I feel super guilty for not going that Saturday and having dinner with them. That's the place that HE wanted to go that evening. I miss him and I just hope that the grieving process gets easier. I know that in time it will. His birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are going to be especially hard this year. I know that with family it will all be better.

I love you and I miss you Uncle James.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

God got an AMAZING man in heaven tonight

Last night my Uncle James went to be with the Lord. He made his tee time in heaven. On Monday he had what was just a routine hip replacement, and on Tuesday he had a brain aneurism. We all want to know how it is that you go in for one thing thats so routine and you don't get to come back out. That man meant the world to me and to see him hooked up to all those tubes and stuff was not easy. My dad has been so good to us kids through this whole ordeal. We've tried to help out and take care of all the things that we can. If we need to go get food, or just be a shoulder to cry on.

Thanks to all who prayed for my family. We really do appreciate it. We know that the Lord was with us yesterday as he called James to be with him. Welcome home James!!!! Know that you were a well loved man and I was proud to call you my uncle and honored to be there with you yesterday for the last time. I know that I'll see you again in heaven someday. Would you save me a seat beside you?
I have to say that Colby has been the best at just listening to me cry for the past couple of days. He's been the best boyfriend ever. I honestly don't know how I would've done had he not been around. It's been hard but he's handled it pretty well, and he's never once told me to suck it up. I hate death, and I've never really met anyone who enjoyed it anyway. Its just such a shock. Thanks honey for listening to me cry and just being there to comfort me and Brooke. We love you sooo much and you've made this experience a little less painful by just being someone on the outside willing to listen. I'm sure it hasn't been easy but thanks for continuing to love me through it all. I love you alot.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Six months and more.

We had the most fun the other night on our date without the little one. We went to dinner at this Italian place that we absolutely LOVE here, and then we went and saw the new movie "Fireproof". That was such a good movie and I suggest it for anyone. You don't just have to be trying to work out a marriage. You could be trying to work out a friendship or just a relationship like mine and Colby's. I'm so glad that we went and saw it. I think it gave us a new appreciation for one another. It has some good things to keep you thinking. I loved it.

I love that man with all of my heart. You have no idea. I wish everyone knew how amazing he was. He is just incredible. He never complains, and I usually just go along with what he wants to do. I'm pretty easy like that. I'm normally not the movie type, however, sitting next to him was so much more meaningful than say if my sister and I went. I realized how much I really do love him even after all that we've been through. I'm so glad that the last six months have been the best six months of my life. I can't imagine having spent them without him. He is the most kind, gentle, caring, and loving man ever. When I say "I love you" I'm not just going through some motion, it's because I really truly love him. I love everything about him, faults and all. You can't just love a few things about a person, you have to learn to love all of them. Whether they're missing a tooth, an eye, finger, whatever you have to love all of them. You can't just love them because they're handsome. Although, that's the best part. I fell in love with the most handsome man ever, and I'm proud to call him my boyfriend. No, he wasn't what I had expected when I first met him, but none the less I got to know the REAL him before, his personality, and that's what I fell in love with, who knew that I'd get the WHOLE package.

I need to get ready for work and pack my things and say adios to this place for another day. Please keep my uncle in your prayers as he is having a hip replacement today.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

The most amazing six months of my life.

WOW, who knew I'd make it this long with one man.  After about 3 weeks I get tired and move on, sometimes I make it four months then get tired and move on.  However, after SIX MONTHS, I'm not tired and I'm not ready to move on.  There have been a roller coaster of emotions that have happened in the last six months, but I'm not turning lose of them, I'm going to cherish every bit of it.  

Colby and I finally met on April 11 the day before Brooke's birthday party and have been quite inseparable since.  He's been there for Brooke's birthday party, my graduation, Nemo on Ice, move out, move in, move back out day.   He's been there to pick me up and dust me off when I've fallen and gotten dirty.  He's been there to watch Brooke grow.  He's supported me through school, and life, and bad times with my family.  He's been my rock through most of it.  Even before we started dating and were just talking all the time.  He was there to help me through the Gabriel thing. He even told me in the end that I needed to get away from him, boy am I glad I finally listened to him, after all of those months that he listened to me cry about it. He emailed me first about the middle of January and we've been talking on the phone since Superbowl Sunday.   He blamed me for the ear infection he had.  I'd been so sick and he claimed that he got it too via the internet. hahhhaha.  We tried to meet up several times, like I invited him to the drive in with Brooke and I, and he fell asleep on the couch.  Then I invited him to the Ranch with me and some friends, but he forgot his wallet, and then someone else called and said he was in town, so I thought it'd be best that he didn't come, you don't want to stir up trouble when it's not necessary.  Everytime we tried to meet it didn't work out.  It was so disheartening, however, it all worked out in God's time, not mine and not his.  I hope that I've supported him half as much as he's supported me.  I know that I've been a pain in the arse sometimes, but hey, who isn't.  

He has supported me through the most precious time in my life...SCHOOL!!!  He was there to help me out some days with my machine homework and to tell me what stuff meant.  He was there to help me design my house and download some software.  He was there telling me that I needed to go to class and not stay with him sometimes, as much as I wanted to.  He often times came to town to hang out with me after class.  I remember the first official dinner date we went on.  He took me to Cracker Barrel.  What a dinner that was, I LOVED every bit of it, and he made me laugh like no other.  Then we kissed in front of my sisters door.  I have to say that we have not been apart like this in a long time and it's super hard.  But when we get together it's a good time had by all.  We like to watch movies and just cuddle.  It's sooo much fun.  I LOVE it all.  

The most important thing is that he's never quit loving ME and BROOKE.  He's been the best "Daddy" to Brooke, something she's NEVER had.  She loves him soo much and when we aren't there she misses him a lot.  When we go over there she doesn't want to leave.  She loves that man with everything she has.  I love when she walks up to him, gives him a hug and says, "Daddy, I love you."  I know it's hard on him sometimes, but it's been an amazing journey and I hope that the journey never ends.  I remember when he told me that he wanted us to move back to my parents house that it just wasn't working there.  It was so hard on the both of us, but we've made it.  He told me at that instant that it didn't mean that he wanted us out of his life, but this is what we needed.  I've come to appreciate him that much more by being honest with me about that situation.  I love him so much and I can't imagine life without him at this point.  Where these next months will lead us I'm not really sure but I hope the months turn into years.  It's been so incredible.

I'm so thankful and I feel super blessed to have him in our lives.  Tonight we are going to have dinner by ourselves without Brooke.  We need the time to just be ourselves.  

Here are some pictures to document some of the things we've done.  

Friday, October 10, 2008

Park Time....

Park time with Terry, Jr. was so much fun this evening.  Brooke loves him soo much and they miss each other soo much.  I am just now starting to get to know Terry because I haven't seen him since I was probably 4 or so years old.  It's been hard living without that side of my family and I feel like I'm getting to know them so much better as I get older.  I love my dad's side of the family and it's a shame what was done to us so many years ago, by being taken away from them.  It makes me soo sad.  Terry felt it necessary to take Brooke to Dennis the Mennis Park this evening since I haven't really taken her there ever.  I hate that park, it's getting old and the City isn't really taking care of it really well anymore.  It's getting more and more ghetto all the time...of course once you consider the area of town that it's situated in, you can understand why.  I always remember going there in grade school as a big class.  They would take us to the fire station and then to the park, it was good times had by all.  I loved it always.  

It was good to watch the kid in him with the kid in Brooke.  It's amazing.  He was running and jumping and playing.  He's just a 35 year old kid.  Yes, I am by far the baby on both sides of the family.  I am the youngest of the grandkids on either side.  It sucks, yes it does.    He was telling me stories of what his dad, my uncle Brad and my dad used to do with him sooo many years ago.  WOW, that's pretty amazing.  

Tomorrow I celebrate six months, yes dear friends, I've been in love with the most amazing man for the last six months.  It's hard to imagine, because usually between 3 weeks and 4 months I let them go.  So six months with Colby is pretty amazing.  We have a dinner date tomorrow night and I'm totally excited.  I love that man with my WHOLE heart!!!!  You'll have to tune in tomorrow to see what the last six months have been like, I think you'll be pretty amazed, because I know I am.  Back to remembering.

Well, Brooke is trying to kill herself on that bicycle of hers so I suppose I should quit typing this and try and save her life...hmmm!!!!

Good night America!!!

Sunday, October 05, 2008

A few more things...

We are awaiting the arrival of the most wonderful boyfriend in the world.  He's at church helping out.  I could not be more thankful to be dating a Christian man.  It makes the world go round.  I'm so glad that one Sunday I decided to go to church with him and I've been HOOKED every since.  I love going to that church.  I really do.  I love that on Sunday mornings Brooke comes and wakes us up and begs us to go to church.  I love that she comes to ask every day of the week if its Sunday yet.  I love how he makes us feel when we go as a FAMILY.  Yes mom and dad, that's what we consider ourselves, a FAMILY, like it or not.  Celeste you too.  I love that this weekend she's been HOOKED ON DADDY.  If she can't go with him somewhere she is absolutely SADDENED.  It's amazing.  I LOVE IT.  He's been the biggest blessing to our lives.  One I couldn't have asked for at a perfect time.  He's been everything I've NEVER had.  There have been some pretty remarkable ones in the things they did, but NEVER in my life have I been with the most WONDERFUL, AMAZING MAN.  He's everything the rest of them aren't, hence why I'm still with him.  After all we've been through he's continued to love Brooke and I more than ever.  This weekend has been incredible.  Friday night I came over and we had a good time sans Brooke.  Last night we came over here and went to dinner, watched a movie, and went to bed.  Today we went got up, went to church, I went and got lunch, and we watched the race on TV, which by the way Tony Stewart DIDN'T REALLY WIN.  But he won by DEFAULT.  It was gay and Smith should've won, fair and square.  Then we are fixing to go to dinner when he gets back from Church.  I absolutely LOVE that he is involved with the Media Ministry.  I want to become more involved, I've just got to take a little more initiative.  I would like to get involved with the kids in some way, whether its working in the nursery or doing something else.  Maybe the older kids is where I need to be.  I'm not sure yet, I'm still asking God where He wants me.  He'll lead me to where I need to be.  He's lead me thus far, I know that so long as I believe in Him it will all work out.  

Sometimes that's the hardest part is giving EVERYTHING to God.  Let Go & Let God!!!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Patience IS a virtue

Whoever said patience is a virtue is correct. I have tried to be more patient with things this week, and you know what it really has paid off. Things are getting better and better with Colby and I. Last night we had a kid free evening and that was nice. It was nice to find out who we were together again without Brooke, instead of being parents all the time. When I go over there we really don't get to enjoy much "us" time. Where we can just sit and talk or sleep, watch tv, whatever. We enjoy having a night out where we usually go to eat and then go home and watch a movie. That's always fun for us, because we don't get to do it very often at all. Colby has been sick all week, so going out to eat wasn't really an option as he wasn't that hungry. We ate at the same place, just at different times. It was soo nice to find ourselves again, and who we were together instead of who we were as a family. I love that man with everything I have and everything I am. It so amazing to start to get back to where we once were. A time to be ourselves again. It's been rough and there have been some hard times, but you know what, if I just have patience, which is really hard, it'll all work out just the way its suppose to.

Thank you for the best evening last night. Listening to the game with you and just laying on the couch was great. I loved just hanging out with you. Even if we really didn't do anything, it was still great. I love you very much and if I would just be more patient you would show how much you really love me, which you did last night.