Wednesday, December 23, 2009

It's your life, Who do YOU live it for?

It's Your Life
Francesca Battistelli
This is the moment,it's on the line,
Which way your gonna fall,
In the middle, between wrong and right,
but you know after all.

It's your life watcha gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door,
it's your life.

Are you who you always said you would be,
with a sinking feeling in your chest,
always waiting on someone else to fix you,
tell me when did you forget?

It's your life watcha you gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door.

To live the way that you believe,
this is your opportunity,
to let your life be one that lies away,

Chorus :
It's your life watcha gonna do?
The World is watching you,
everyday the choices you make,
say what you are and who your heart beats for,
it's an open door,

It's your life,It's your life.

We all have lives, and it depends on who we live them for as to how happy we are in that life. Do you live it for you or for someone else?  If you live it for someone else, it's wrong.  HOw do I know this, because for a long time I lived it for two people who "love" me very much.  That is the worst mistake in my life.  I will be miserable if I live it for them.  For all those people who will not be happy for the decisions I make and the paths I choose then so be it, they probably didn't have a place in my life anyway!  I am the only one in control of my life and my decisions.  This is something that I have had to learn the very hard way through many different trials, but I'm getting there, and I'm making it!  No, not everyone will agree with what I choose to do in life, but I will not do it to make THEM happy, but to make myself happy!  There are people in my life who will support me no matter what I choose to do, whether it be move across the state of Texas just to start a new life, or get back with someone I love very much, not everyone will agree or like it. So be it!

Sunday, November 08, 2009 it possible to change?

What is the definition of attitude?  According to attitude the the "manner, disposition, feeling, position, etc., with regard to a person or thing; tendency or orientation, esp. of the mind: a negative attitude; group attitudes."

Yes, we at some point get an attitude about something, whether it be a particular issue that upsets us greatly (i.e. politics or religion) or something that's happened to us (i.e. car accident).  Sometimes we get attitudes just because we don't feel good or other reasons that are unexplainable.  I have a huge attitude problem, and it's probably because I wear my feelings on my sleeve.  You WILL know when I'm mad, upset, happy, or just really pissed off, I do not hide it very well.  I may slam doors, throw my shoes, or stomp around the house.  I express myself in many ways, and it's not always in the words I say.  I try not to say things that hurt people but sometimes my attitude gets in the way and they come out.  Now, we all say and do things that we do not mean to hurt people but often times these words cut a deep wound in our souls and our actions can do the same.  Can we change that?  Absolutely.  No one can tell you to change or tell you how, that is something that you have to want and work on for yourself.  This is all part of being successful in my goals of changing who I am.  Now many of you know the course of my childhood, which I care not to revisit.  However, I am changing my attitude because that is what's shapes me and my experiences in life.  However, I'm not letting it take over my life, which includes an attitude change!  My attitude needs to change toward my family of three, my daughter, and my boyfriend, both of whom I love very much. 

Saturday, October 17, 2009


Things are going rather well, except today has been exceptionally hard. I got a call at noon saying to come pick her up from daycare because she was having a "bad day"! So I went and got her from daycare and we went and ran a few errands. However, we get home and I get laundry started, dishes done, cleaned out my car, cooked dinner for Colby when he got home and I've taken Brooke swimming, we've both had baths, I still have to put away dinner and pack EVERYONE'S STUFF!! Why WHY WHY!!! I never asked Colby to be a father to Brooke, but damnit it'd be nice if when he got home he would help but he just came home and has done nothing but slept. I'm tired at the end of the day, but my day doesn't end until Brooke goes to bed, and then THERE'S STILL MORE TO BE DONE!! I'm frustrated and I shouldn't say anything so I'm writing this. Brooke has been rather challenging this evening and all he can say is that he's going to bust her butt because she's interupting his sleep. I don't think so. I've dealt with it all most of the day, and I still went to HEB and got some things that we needed!! I've done every bit of laundry that needed to be done. EVERY BIT OF IT. Washed, dried, folded, hung. Whatever needed to be done, I've done it. I would really like to drop Brooke off with my mom tomorrow and go to Amarillo to the family reunion by myself. BY MYSELF. I hope that he heard that when I said it to her earlier. I love her to death, but when do I get to lay in bed and just sleep from the time I get home until everything else. This blog won't be around long, so read away and comment away. I don't know what to do. I didn't know I'd be the good little housewife.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

We are like a carrot?

I read this book to Brooke it's simple and I love it. It's called "The Carrot Seed"

I shall recite it for you to get the bigger picture.

"A little boy planted a carrot seed.

His mother said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

His father said, "I'm afraid it won't come up."

And his big brother said, "It won't come up."

Every day the little boy pulled up the weeds around the seed and sprinkled the ground with water.

But nothing came up.

And nothing came up.

Everyone kept saying it wouldn't come up.

But he still pulled up the weeds around it every day and sprinkled the ground with water.

And then, one day,

a carrot came up

just as the little boy had known it would."

Now you ask how are we like carrots? Because it only takes one little seed in our lives to be planted and for someone to care and nurture it despite everyone's negativity. All that little boy did was take care of that little seed, and guess what despite what everyone said, that carrot seed grew! That little boy must've been proud. I suppose that's how parents are. You plant a seed in your child and the more you nurture it and care for it the more it grows, and it's so excited to see your children grow. It's exciting to watch that little seed turn into something amazing. I suppose it could be the same in a relationship. The more you nurture and care for it the more it grows, when you stop doing those things, the relationship stops growing and becomes stale. Much like a seed that no one took care of. What if that little boy gave up? He wouldn't have proven his parents wrong and I'm sure he wouldn't be proud of those things either. What if we gave up on our children or a relationship with someone we care very deeply for? Our children would amount to nothing and we would never have a quality relationship. Many of us would have never found a soul mate, a husband, a fiance, or a boyfriend. We would have nothing! That dear friends is how we are much like carrots!

Sunday, October 04, 2009


What is success?  What do we define as successful?  Our personal goals that have been achieved and accomplished.  I have succeeded and no longer talk about that thing that I was starting over from... Since that post I have remained true to myself and to who I am, not letting my past and the unfortunate events of part of my childhood become who I am.  I have remembered that while it's still a part of my past and always will be I can not let it define who I am and who I want to be. 

Now today I must conquer something else, and it does not define who I am or who I want to be.  Something that saddens me when I think about it.  He's only been gone a year on October 15th and I'd almost forgotten until I looked at a calendar and on that day there is a little note about how James went to be with God.  Is that a day I will never forget, yes!  It is a day that is forever etched into my brain.  A day that some of us will have vivid memories of for the rest of our lives.  I can't almost paint the picture for you to this day, seeing him hooked up to all those tubes.  That is something I never want to see again.  It's so hard because still to this day when I call my aunt I want to ask how my uncle is doing, how work is going, how he is enjoying retirement!  I have to constantly remind myself that I can not do that.  I see things and I remember him.  I talk about my drafting career and think about how much we had in common as he was the City Engineer in Midland!  I sometimes think, man if he were here I could ask him about some things! 

I truly miss him and always will, maybe this year in celebration of his life, Brooke and I will let a bunch of balloons go..perhaps one for each year I knew him...lets see...25 ballons!

Friday, September 11, 2009

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

Today is September 11, 2009 and today is remembered in the hearts of many Americans. As those planes crashed into many remembered building that one faitful day, I was at school. I was a senior in high school at Greenwood High School, and I can remember passing by one of the classrooms where one of our teachers stopped me and asked if I had heard. I obviously had not heard because I didn’t have a clue as to what was going on. He told me and that’s the moment it hit. Our country was under attack and who knew that it would continue for a long time. No one even saw it coming. We had a new President who was doing his best to run the country he believed in so much. The country that had offered him so much without expecting much in return. But more importantly, many of our freedoms were taken that day. I remember going to second period and sitting in there when someone mentioned that the pentagon had been hit. It sank in, “the Pentagon” I screamed, my cousin worked in there on the very side that was hit. He had just walked out of the building when the plane hit, and he went back in to assist where he could. I worried for him for the day and I was sad until we heard he was okay. My cousin is a JAG Lawyer and it could be him that we’re remembering this day.

Today is the day when we remember those who were lost, either by doing their jobs, or others trying to escape. It was a devastating blow to America as a whole and to the Americans that call this place home. America lost some of its finest, Police Officers, Firefighters, and other rescue workers. Those people gave their lives for others, which they were called to duty to do.

I hope that we can instill this kind of thing into our young children, Brooke was not yet even thought about when this horrific event occured so she will never fully understand how it has impacted ourselves, the people around us, our neighbors, friends, and family, nor how it has impacted our lives and our Country.  When I think about these things and the innocence that those children bring I also remember the innocence of our country that day as there was really nothing we could do at that very moment.  How vulnerable and unprepared we were that day.  That day has changed our lives forever.

On this day I’m called to remember everyone, but someone I was chosen to remember. I can not find much on this fine man, but I’m sure he was married to a lovely lady who loved him very much as well, as he probably had children who loved him very much. His name is Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta. He was 44, from New York, NY and he died trying to assist in the tragic event at the World Trade Center. Today we honor him for giving his life for others and doing it without even second guessing or hesitating. For this we honor you Lt. Margiotta. I’m sure you were New York’s finest, just out there doing your job. You probably impacted many lives and those people will be forever grateful.

I pray that on your journey home you were able to stand at the Pearly Gates of God’s Kingdom. Welcome home Lt.  Today it is the greatest honor to remember such a brave and loved man.

Here is the Eulogy written for him by his brother Mike Margiotta:

According to Webster, "bravery" is defined as combining confidence with firm resolution in the presence of danger. "Courageous" however is more than brave! It adds a moral element. The courageous man steadily encounters perils to which he may be keenly sensitive at the call of duty. At no time do either of these definitions mention being fearless. Fearless is just the inability to recognize danger.

On September 11th, Chuck had fears…recognized them…called home…and then performed his job with Bravery and Courage; as did all our firefighters and police officers. We thank them all and love them all for being heroes every day.

I thought Chuck was a workaholic. If I told him I had 2 jobs…he would say, “What do you do with the rest of your time?” Chuck didn’t have a career…he had many careers. Along with the FDNY, private investigation and others, Chuck was also a substitute teacher working in the NYC Board of Ed. for 20 years.

They say you can’t mix business with pleasure. Chuck always found a way.

When Chuck was only 12 years old, I watched with amazement at his ability to juggle both. He went to Latourette golf course to fish for carp in one of the ponds. And I mean, literally standing in the pond. The pond was between a Tee off and a green. He would stand in the water fishing and then sell golfballs back to the golfers that didn’t clear the pond. Making money and fishing…Chuck’s perfect world.

Later in life, perhaps even surprising himself, Chuck turned into the perfect dad. His hobbies were planned around his family schedule. Soccer, softball, basketball, baseball…all came first. And not just seeing the games…oh no…Chuck coached his daughter and son in all the sports. Eventually Chuck took over as Director of basketball in this parish, St. Rita’s. His weekends were consumed with scheduling practices, games and tournaments. Through it all, Chuck still managed to plan family vacations, hunting and fishing trips with his buddies and lots of activities that would fulfill all his needs.

Chuck’s plate still wasn’t full. He lived one house away from his parents. He was a great son to his mother and father. He was the mule. Anything that involved a ladder or back breaking work was Chuck’s. Cleaning the gutters and plowing the neighborhood was his specialty. When the first snowflake fell, you knew it wouldn’t be long before you heard Chuck fire up the Toro snowplow! Then like kids looking for Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve, neighbors would run to their windows and throw up the sash. And what to their wondering eyes should appear but, Chuck with an orange hunting jump suit, smiling ear to ear.

Chuck was like a superhero to his kids. He was like a superhero to all of his family and friends. One can only imagine what he looked like through the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie. Chuck was larger than life. He was only 5’ 11”. He was not the 6 feet that he claimed he was. But when you met him, even if you looked down to him physically…you looked up to him in ways that you could not put your finger on. You left Chuck with a feeling that he was much bigger than he really was.

As tough as Chuck looked, and with as gruff a voice as he had, children always knew that he loved them. They instinctively knew he was their ally. And they were right. If he yelled at them for letting a game get a little out of hand, the children usually smiled or laughed. Then Chuck would laugh too, seeing himself in the kids.

Chuck's light shines in the eyes of his children, Norma Jean and Charlie, who look around in admiration at all the people here who loved their father. That light will shine brighter every day until it bursts like a super nova when we join him in heaven.

Chuck is up there now with all the other firefighters lost on September 11th, giving a lesson on how to grow tomatoes and zucchini. He knows he can’t be wrong because he is with Nani and Papa who taught him all about it.

He is up there having a pick up game of basketball against Jesus and the Apostles. Chuck calls his team the Underdogs. I’d like to introduce them to you now:

Starting at Forward…everyone who was too little to fight for themselves. At the other forward… everyone who in the latter years of life were stripped of their dignity and were unable to perform tasks we take for granted. At Right Guard…everyone Chuck loved that left this world before him. At left guard…everyone who ever misjudged Chuck's loyalty while on earth. And STARTING AT CENTER…a man who at only 5’11”, now stands taller than everyone because of the life he led, the traditions he held on to, the compassion he showed and the memories he left...Chuck Margiotta

To honor someone next year you can go to and sign up.

God Bless America!!! Stand Tall & Proud!!!!

Monday, September 07, 2009

Today is the day...

that I start a new trend in my life. Letting go of the past which is so hard.  Am I choosing to hold onto it? Probably in more ways than I realize.  Except Colby pointed it out to me.  I tell it to nearly everyone I meet and it's so weird because I've never realized it.  Do I want people to feel sorry for me?  No!  I want to be free from it, and I'm going to have to have God helping me out because I can't do it on my own.  It's time to move on, it's time to make peace with it, realize that I'm definitely a different person, and move on with my life.  I'm going, I'm taking a step in the right direction.  I'm working on letting go.  Becoming a much better person that I've ever been.  Yes, that is part of my childhood, as everyone has a story about their childhood that isn't always good, but if we hold onto those things, what kind of people do we turn into?  I have not held things against Colby from our past why in the world would I hold it against anyone else?  That's just silly.  I must learn from my child in this home.  It's okay to know that bad things have happened to you, but at the end of the day you can not let them affect who you are or the person that you would like to become.  You must deal, realize that either it makes you a better person or that you can become a better person from it.

Here's to starting anew! Why?  Because it's healthy!

Saturday, August 22, 2009

It's been a while....

Since I last posted something, but here we are none the last. Just a little update.

I have registered Brooke for school. I'm a little excited, and a little scared, but hey all that matters is that now, the possibilities are endless.

I'm also not going to tell you that since we last met, things have been totally easy. The relationship with my parents has gone through the cracks, well, I should clarify and say that the relationship with my MOM has gone to the dogs. I have not spoken to her in nearly three weeks! Am I okay with this, oh yes, I am. However, it has affected the relationship with my father greatly. If I need something long after he is home from work, I do not call the house under any circumstance. If it's an emergency I will find other means to get ahold of him, however I will not be phoning home anytime soon. I will avoid her like the plague. I have always been close to my dad so this angers me greatly, the fact that she does things like this, and however, he lets her get away with it. I'm not really sure when she'll wake up and see the facts like, oh geez, both of my daughters have moved away from home and if it weren't for their father, would they really have anything to do with me. She doesn't ask herself these things but she needs to start. She has a lot of problems that she needs to get taken care of before she can care for a family. I'm not really for sure why she wanted me other than I know that my dad had to have some things reversed before I could get here. Do I thank him? Everyday, because regardless of how much he's done to us, I can't count how much he's done FOR us. I love that man but I don't understand how he could stay married to her. There have been so many times that divorce has been threatened and according to my sister there were papers drawn up at some point, and frankly I don't know that I wouldn't have let her get away with NOT signing them. However, if it weren't for her I wouldn't be here either, and I wouldn't be half the person that I am today. I would not appreciate my dad for all he's done for me no matter what. He's been my rock and for that I'm truly grateful!

On to bigger and better things. Back to the kindergarten thing. We went and met Brooke's teacher and I'm pretty for sure that Brooke is going to SUPER enjoy being in kindergarten and meeting a whole bunch of new kids. Meeting her teacher was pretty cool. I'm really excited and I think she got a good one. We shall see when Christmas rolls around. That's about the time that you can start to tell cool things like that.

Well, I suppose that's all for now. I'm just here at the house hanging out. Did the school shopping today, so I'm a bit worn out from it all. Gotta get up early in the morning and get to church. Need to go more often it just makes for a better day!

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Watching him work!

I'm here sitting in the truck watching Colby work on this electrical stuff in the field. We are kidless this weekend so why not come to work with him right, I just have to sit in the truck which I'm fine with because road time is a good time to just sit and chat. There are no chores to be done or a house to keep clean out here, it just good quality time with the one's you love. Watching him work makes me realize how hard he works everyday for our family to keep us going and to provide us with the things we need. Not to mention I get to see him looking sexy in his hardhat. He's such a handsome man and I feel truly blessed to be his girlfriend! I've never gotten the chance to come out here and experience this because we've always had Brooke so why not. It seemed fitting right! There's a right time for every experience in our lives! He works in the heat and sometimes he tells me that it's hot outside or something but never does he complain, NEVER! Like I said I'm truly blessed with a wonderful man like him in our lives. Everyone deserves something good in their lives and I'm blessed to have two wonderful things. I've been blessed with the most amazing daughter and with a wonderful boyfriend. Two of those things I couldn't be more thankful for! It's been an amazing ride.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Happy Father's Day!

First of all let me say Happy Father's Day to all of those men who are lucky enough to be called Father's on this day! Some take it seriously and some do not!

I'm spending my first Father's day away from my Dad and it's been kind of hard. I realize that I've had 25 of the best years of my life with that man, but I do have my own family now. I miss him being there for me a lot of times. I'm so happy to celebrate Father's day with Colby this year and he has taken it awesomely.

My dad has never failed me, he has always been there for me no matter what and I hope that I was there for him when he had cancer. I can only hope that he thought the same thing as he layed in that hospital bed and had his two daughters surrounding him at all times! He has been my hero for much of my life, and I couldn't be more proud of the dad he has been. Now that's not to say that we haven't had rough tough times as most children and their dad's do, but it's been a fun ride. But I'm all grown up now!

Sunday, June 07, 2009

What do we know about love?

No one can tell you just exactly what love feels like, it's one of those things you have to experience for yourself. It's something that you feel with your heart, with every part of you! There are different kinds of love. There's that love that you have for your parents. The love that you have for your children, which is indescribable and happens almost the instant that you find out that you're going to be a parent. There's the kind of love that is shown to you through kind acts, whether it's your best friend being there or your sister. Then there's the love that you can't explain, that is shown to you when you find that person that you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with! I have found that, and yes I have written on it before however, he is out of town and the things he says and does are just proof to let me know that he really and truly does love me and care about me.

I can tell you this, because it's what I know. I appreciate Colby more than he'll ever know because he's gone right now. I didn't realize how much he really did around here, like the dishes, the laundry, help with Brooke...and many more. I have always appreciated the things he's done for us, I guess I just never really had the time to stop and think about it or to realize it. What an amazing thing he does, every morning he gets up and goes to work at 6:45 and sometimes doesn't get home until 8:45 in the evening, but he does it for his family, us. He does it because he loves us and he likes for us to have nice things. He never complains about how hot it was or how his arms are sunburnt or how much of an ass his boss really is. He does a lot for us, and I'm forever grateful to have him in our lives. How did we get so lucky to have a great man like him, love us unconditionally. It's the little things that show you just how much someone loves you.

I have to tell you this sweet little thing. One morning as we were leaving for the sitters and work, Brooke starting freaking out..."OMG mom someone wrote on our window." I just kept telling her to calm down nothing was going on and I was positive it was just the morning dew. As I rounded the corner and took a good look at my truck I noticed there on the drivers side window it was written "I love you! Colby" How sweet I thought, I snapped a picture before driving down the road made it all run down the window like a steady stream. It was awesome. I thought to myself. I'm a spoiled girl and somedays I really don't realize it. There are some mornings when I can't even say I love you before he beats me to it as he's running out the door. I enjoy his company, his laughs, his jokes, the way he looks at me and smiles, and the way he says, "I love you." That's what I know about love. It's a mighty powerful thing.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Where oh where did I go?

Did you miss me while I was gone? Of course not because no one reads this damn thing anyway. However for those of you who MIGHT, here's what I've been up to lately...hmmm...where do I begin.

The beginning of April we had Brooke's birthday party, which was tons of fun, at this place called Jumping Party here in town. For those of you who don't know it's this building filled with tons of jumpers and they are super cool. You get to jump for like 1.25 hours and then you get a party room complete with you're own "attendant" as you will for the last 45 minutes. It was fun and she is officially FIVE years old. Where did all that time go and where have I been? I feel like I missed so very much of her growing up and it makes me sad. I was so busy trying to finish school to get us into a better financial situation. But I'm so glad that I did it. It definitely means better pay because I have a college degree. Anyway, here are some pictures from that.

Colby and I then began moving into our new two bedroom, two bath apartment which I absolutely love. Brooke loves having her own space and her own bathroom. It's great for her because she's never had something like that before. It's always been "our" bathroom and "our" bedroom. She's doing great, sleeping in her own bed everynight. It's so nice for her to be able to just slip away and go play. I know she can't be into anything too terribly bad because in there are her very own toys. It was so important in finding her a place where she could be. She likes to go in there in the evenings and just hang out and play. Or like tonight she told me she was sleepy so she went in her room and laid down. It's awesome.

I would like for you to meet "Dodge Ball"! She's a beauty and she is super fun to drive. It's our "family" vehicle and my daily driver. We traded in the saturn :( for this dude. We were becoming cramped and uncomfortable in that thing. I mean come on they are closing down the Saturn line anyway, and they stopped making that model of car some 5 years ago. I'd also had it for nearly eight years and when I drove it off the lot it had18 miles on it, and when I drove off in my new truck it had 136000 miles on it. I left it behind. It was time for her to go. She had a good life, she served an awesome perpose and she got me through some of the most difficult times in my life. However she was becoming more and more unreliable as the days, weeks, months and even years wore on. She's seen two wrecks, a new transmission, a new air condition, and lots of other new things. She had been through a lot however it was time for her to go. We couldn't get stuck without a vehicle.
In moving I have also obtained a job here in Odessa which I'm very grateful for. It's ten minutes from home and I love it! I'm working for SMCO in Accounts Payable, which I'm taking over slowly but surely. Everyday I get more and more responsibility and I love it.
Well, I'm hoping to keep this a little more up to date. I'll post some pictures of Brooke playing t-ball later, maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Positivity - Negativity

I hate to cover up the post below which is filled with positivity with a post that is filled with so much negativity. However I must vent to the world of the unknown where no one seems to care but me, and when I get it off my chest I too will no longer give a rats ass about it either. Rest assured however that it is NOT about Colby, the LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!

I have tried my hardest to raise my daughter with as much positivity in her life as one can muster up. Yes, I too at times fail at showing this too her when I’m having a bad day or letting negativity get in my way. I sometimes am not the best example. Yet, no matter what I’m trying my hardest to show her these things. As a child I was not raised like this, in fact none of us were, at least not my middle sister and I. We were raised on these things right here, “You could always do better. You didn’t try hard enough. What were you thinking? That isn’t good enough.” You see those things came from my mom. Never a day in my life have I heard my mom tell me that I looked pretty or that I did something right. I was always wrong or could do better. I showed pigs for ten years and no matter how hard I got out there and showed it was not good enough for her. No matter how hard my sister tried to run in a cross country meet it was never good enough for mom. NEVER. I think we have spent most of our lives trying to please my mom. I give up. I’m done. I am who I am and its not because of her. If it weren’t for my dad saying these things, “You did a good job, the judge just wasn’t impressed, we’ll get them next time. Kourtney, you look pretty today. You know no matter what happens I’ll still be here for you. We’ll get through this, don’t you worry, you’ll be alright.” If it hadn’t have been for those things and that man in my life, where would I be? I suppose the better question is WHO would I be today? My mom always told us that she tried to build our self confidence or our self esteem, all the while she was tearing them down. But she didn’t get me. Yes, I was the skinny girl in high school who was too damn fat. I was not fat at all. Whose to say that you’re fat when you’re comfortable in your own skin.

Parenting is a learned behavior and if you wish to change it, YOU must break the cycle. As a kid I was abused and it still continues sometimes in front of my daughter to this day. My daughter has been witness to some of the same things as I witnessed when I was her age. However, this time I have the power to get up walk out of my parents house and take my daughter with me out of safety concerns for her. Have I done it, oh yes, many times. I calmly ask her to grab a few things and we leave. I have left because of my dad and I have left many times because of my mom, and I’ve even had to call out the Sherriff’s office on them. My dad is a very loving and caring man however as his age has progressed he becomes less tolerant of many things. One Christmas I was forced to leave my own home because my dad tried to hit me with Brooke standing right there. I was able to fight him off as he was weak because of the radiation he had been undergoing.

This is the cycle I have chosen to break. Yes, sometimes I don’t punish Brooke in the manner that she needs it and will many times walk away. I would rather do that than have her feel the way I feel today. I do not want her to experience those kinds of things. Now, the girl has an attitude and she comes by it honestly. I tell her everyday how much I love her and how much I care about her. I take her to do things. She loves to go to the drive-in so during sometimes on the weekends we go see a movie…it just depends what is playing. This is something that we both enjoy. We don’t eat dinner and we go early enough to get their good ole chicken strip dinner with many things, sit in the car and eat, and then during the intermission before the second movie starts is when we go in get candy and sit in the car and enjoy each others company. We sometimes have date nights, just the two of us. At Christmas we went to dinner at Texas Roadhouse, then went Christmas light looking. That was oh so much fun that night. I take her to expensive places and then sometimes we go to places likes Chic-fil-a so she can eat and play. Colby and I talked last night and no matter what my mom tries OUR children will know how much they are loved. They will never have to doubt our love for them. I often do, and a lot of times when I tell my mom I love her, it’s not the truth. I have doubted that for a long time. What mother tries to do harm to their children and let their anger get in the way? My mother, she has tried to hurt us to the point of no return more than once. Trying to kill me when I was 12, then trying to break my neck when I was 13. She has beat the shit out of my middle sister which scared my oldest sister to the point of sleeping beside her bed one night making sure my sister was going to make it through the night. Now I want you to know that my dad is not perfect in any way, shape, form or fashion. He stood by that evening and did nothing while my mom beat the shit out of his daughter. Those kids were not bore from my mom, they were created out of love by my dad his first wife. My mom took over the raising of them when she and my dad got married.

I would never allow Colby to do those things to my children and he would not allow it either. You are suppose to protect, nurture, and love your children never causing harm or bringing harm to them. Isn’t that was being a parent is all about? You would think.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

I was made to love YOU and I do!!!

My love for you..

Is the most amazing love I have ever had for someone and the love I have felt in return is nothing I have ever experienced. It’s nice to love and be loved in return. Its just a simple favor of the heart but it can make us or break us. Spending the rest of my life with you is the ultimate sacrificial love. Sacrificing yourself to be with someone else is what I consider selflessness!!! How amazing. We’ve gone from loving ourselves to loving someone within us!!! I’m so excited with what’s going on in my life right now that I can not even stand it. I have found that love for someone else and been given it in return. I finally feel like I’m a complete being. God created someone just for ME to love and for that special someone to love ME!!! How can we even begin to comprehend that.

“And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.” Gen. 2:18 American KJV

How amazing that God would create someone in an earthly body that would be my help meet as well. How awesome is our God. He has created an abundant life filled of love, joy, and strength just for me. He has created Colby to love ME!!! I feel so blessed that we were able to work out our differences and talk about spending the rest of our lives together. He has shown me more than anyone how much he truly wants it!!! I love that man with all my heart and he’s showing me more and more every day how it feels to be so loved, and I’d consider myself pretty spoiled!! He shows me his love in so many ways, whether it’s a two minute phone call to say, hey what are you doing? It lets me know that he’s been thinking about me and wants to hear my voice, and then after every conversation he says, “I love you”!!! We can not hang up the phone until those words are spoken and usually if I try and say bye he says it really fast so that I have to respond!!! He calls me when he’s on the road, he calls when he’s busy, and sometimes he calls just because!!! He texts me all the time!!! I love that man with all my heart!! I have realized that it is not good for me to be alone either and in turn God created a man for me!! A man that would plant a seed in my heart so long ago, care for, and nurture it with showers of love to watch it grow into this amazing flower!! I have enjoyed watching Colby grow as well, grow to love two people and not just one. Plant a seed in two hearts!!!

Thank you for watering, feeding, caring and nurturing my at first broken heart when I met you. You have grown to love me through the good times and the bad. The richer and poorer days and many of my bitchy moments. How could I possibly not love you for that. You are my life, you are my strength most days, and you along with Brooke are what I wake up for every morning!! You complete my soul, and every vessel of my body. You have made my heart whole and taught me how to love again, and I’m proud that someday I’ll be able to call you my husband.

I love you!

Sunday, February 08, 2009


things around here have been hectic and crazy.

Since I last blogged we've seen numerous amounts of doctors, dentists, and dermatologists....ummm..anyone seeing a trend, and they are all for BROOKE!!!

Yes, Brooke's asthma came up to bite us!! It's been a pain in my ass lately and I'm rather frustrated with it. She's had some teeth capped and refilled, due to the last dentists shotty work. Great. And now the dermatologist is mad beause her pediatrician didn't catch something before it got as bad as it did!!! Great!!!

I have turned 25....I'm a quarter of a century old and frankly I was not able to enjoy it as I was worshipping the porcelin gods the day before and really didn't feel for shit the day of my birthday. Just the way you want to spend it, holed up in your house sick. Not like it was an option because if the option had been there I would have been at home, however, it was not an option it was a must!!! No if, ands, or buts about it!!!

Friday, January 02, 2009

It's a wrap.

Today apparently I'm also posting my 200th post...WOOHOO

Last year I did a re-cap of 2007, this year I bring you the re-cap of 2008

January- I met and began dating Gabriel. We all had fun as my sister started dating Jimmy as well at this time. We all had so much fun going out and hanging out together. I also began talking to Colby pretty heavily during this time as well. I found out that in May I would be graduating college. Brooke and I also stayed sick most of January and I started my last semester of school.

February – I thought I was in love with Gabriel, but soon you will find out otherwise. I talked to Colby for the very first time on February 2nd and that was amazing!!! Who knew that I would later fall in love with him and that this love would be the real kind of love. I received flowers from my sister for my birthday and that was awesome.

March – I didn’t post anything during this time, but the phone conversations and im’ing continued pretty heavily with Colby. Things with Gabriel started to become rocky, and I soon started to listen to what my friends had to say about that man and their suspicions. Brooke had her tonsils taken out and we celebrated Christ’s return with Easter. I spent Spring Break at home with little Miss Brooke while she recovered from her surgery. Poor thing.

April – Things between Gabriel and I became really bad when I confronted him about some things I had noticed, and I finally listened when people told me it was time to ditch him. The conversations with Colby became non-stop. Brooke turned four and I met Colby for the first time. It was truly love at first sight. The moment he walked through that door at my sisters I knew we’d be inseparable. I counted down the weeks until I’d be done with school, and I worked harder than ever to insure I’d graduate. I spent more time with Colby than I did with my own family during this time. We went and saw Finding Nemo on ice as a “family” and it was amazing.

May – I graduated college with the most important people right there in my cheering section. Colby told my parents that he loved me. He was soo good with Brooke during this time and I have a picture that he took of the two of them. They both look very tired. Of course we all were. I took a half day off work to do it. I also moved out of my parents house and into my new “home” with Colby where I would start a new life. And what an amazing life it would be. I lost my phone to the interstate as well, and began meeting Colby’s family, even though they’d already heard so much about me anyway.

June – I began realizing what my role was at home. A place I still very much consider it to be, that will always be home, and that will always be “our” bed. I took Colby to two family reunions where some bad things happened at the second one. I loved being there with him all the time, and spending time with him. However, I didn’t really realize how hard it would really be. I fell more and more in love with him. Father’s day was awesome as we had a huge pool party and bbq at the apartment complex.

July – We celebrated the fourth of July at Layne’s house and out by the pool as we swam, drank, and watched the fireworks go off downtown. That was amazing. The kisses under the fireworks…WOOHOO!!!! We lost our beloved hamster Rascal due to what we think was a stroke. It was sad and Colby had to do the hardest thing he’s ever done, and that was put the little girl down. We sat and cried as a family.

August – Colby lost a co-worker to a really bad accident involving one of their work trucks. That was a sad day around our house. We got a new little hamster.

September – I moved out of Colby’s house and back in with my parents. That was fun, let me tell you. Things with Colby became complicated. It was hard but soon got easier as the days and weeks went on. My sister got married as well to the most loving man ever, Jimmy!!!

October - My Uncle James went in for a routine hip replacement and didn’t walk out of the hospital, he died three days later due to a brain aneurism. Colby and I celebrated six months of being together, and that night with dinner and a movie was absolutely wonderful, child free. It was amazing. I just loved that time.

November – Things with Colby and I went south. It was not good for a while, but I would soon learn that when you back off things will go accordingly. I got sick and he got sick all in the same week. I discovered what it feels like to be heartbroken for the very first time. I didn’t know how badly your heart could hurt.

December – The situation with Colby soon started to turn around and got better. Now what will happen from here on out I’m not sure. I have spent a lot of time at my friends Kaily and Richie’s house here lately and it’s been amazing. I saw Colby for the first time in months in early December. That was interesting. Things didn’t go so well at first, but I knew with time he would turn back around. I knew he would come around, I was just being patient and waiting my turn.