Wednesday, December 31, 2008

And soo...

we bid farewell to 2008 at midnight tonight. Remember all the fun we had, all the people we met, and the changes that were great.

Sometime next weird...I will re-cap on 2008.

Saturday, December 06, 2008


I see some people going through the same thing that I've just recently been through myself. I was an angry, bitter person for a long time. Anger that was brought on by something that I did happen to have control over, but when the consequences turned into a blessing I failed to see it. That blessing is Brooke. I was angry at her father for a long time. I have since let that go. Upon meeting Colby I still had that anger and would often times take that out on poor little Brooke, like it was somehow her fault that he didn't want to be around. It's not her fault and it's not my fault and I have just come to discover that. He's made his decision and I can't force him to be something he's not. Would it be nice at times for him to be around, absolutely. But I can't be selfish and think about only myself in that situation. I have to think about the more obvious of questions. Would it be good and healthy for my daughter? Absolutely NOT!!! The questions others might consider are, would it benefit my bank account? To me there is no amount of money any one man could give me to compromise my daughters health, safety and happiness. There just isn't!!!

This has just posed another question in my mind. Why did I compromise my daughters happiness just to have a relationship with a man who wasn't willing to provide her with much to begin with. Yes, he did provide us with a home, fixed my car when needed, provided food, and a nice warm place to sleep. Was I happy, yes for a while, until things go rough with Brooke. I was too blind to see what he was doing to the both of us. I firmly believe that God has placed people in our lives to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. I have grown and seen how much I can do through all of this, and how much I've done for a long time. There for a long time I was working a full time job, going to school, and still meeting the needs of my daughter. Was it hard, absolutely, but we made it. I guilted myself for her behavior for a long time thinking that I was a terrible parent because I was goign to school, and working all the time while she was at daycare or being cared for by my parents. I enjoy the time I get to spend with her these days. Those days when she looks at you and says, "Mom, I wanna go to McAlisters and get something to eat, and I want to go in." Now what mom in their right mind can resist that. The girl just wants to have a nice sit down meal with her Mommy.

I can remember that when I first moved in with Colby, it was rush to get her and then not really be happy to see her, yet she was always delighted to see me, and then rush her home and start doing things around the house. I never took 5-10 minutes out to just be with her, and say you know what, those dishes can wait, the bathroom can wait, and if you want to eat, do it yourself. I know she suffered from this. This maybe where her behavior problems came in. It was her way to get attention because she wasn't getting it any other way. Most of the time all she wanted was for me to sit down and play with her. I did, if he wasn't there, but if he was there, we couldn't play because she wasn't allowed to drag out her toys into the living room, she might get in his way of game playing. Never again will I let these things happen to my daughter. It is my fault and I'm the parent who is to blame.
didn't know if I could raise a child by myself, but you know what I did it for the first 4 years of her life, I only had help for 6 months with her. I could go on another 10 years just her and I!!! I have survived, and we will continue to do it. Yes, there are times of financial roughness, but you know what, we've made it many times, and we can do it some more. I love my daughter and so long as you have love between you, money will never matter.

Monday, December 01, 2008

What do we know about love?

We do know that when you fall in love its the most incredible feeling in the world.  I have experienced that for myself.  I fell in love with the most amazing man back in April and on November 12th, that all came to a screeching hault.  Why do you ask?  Because he kept a record of wrongs.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  No tally sheets with the things that you've done and how many times you've done them.  Love is kind.  Kindness, hmm...what is that.  He was kind all right when things were going his way.  He loved me when Brooke wasn't around sometimes.  Yes, we got to spend more time like that when my parents kept her, but do you know what.  It wasn't quality time.  Going to dinner, then coming home and watching him play Call of Duty...oh yes, it was a romantic evening for all involved.  NOT.  Often times I went to bed by myself, only to be awoken by the sounds of bombs going off and rapid gunfire.  I understand that was his time to unwind.  But did you know that he more often times than not got home way before we did, because I had to drive a million miles to go home, and he would not pick up that X-box controller until we got there.  You would hardly ever come home to find him playing while we were gone and then get off because his "family" was home.   You see, we did lots of things as a family.  We went out, ate dinner, played outside, hung out, and you guessed it....we sat and watched as he played Call of Duty as a family.  He wouldn't let Brooke drag out her toys and have a grand old time because she would get in trouble.  He would pick the biggest battles with her instead of letting the small stuff go.   I'm not saying that he was a bad dad, but he was always onto her.  There are some things that she does, that don't really require that much harsh punishment, ie...the belt!!!  Yes, dear friends, it became her best friend. It was hard to sit back and take there for a while.  Knowing full and well that she did not respond to other forms of punishment....having her toys taken away.  She often times would tell him that she didn't like him anymore.  He never once said, that's okay because I still love you.  He would never tell her that on his own, she had to tell him first.  Now granted, I tell Brooke that all the time, because I do love her unconditionally.  He was new to this being a "Daddy" business and was the one to tell me that I shouldn't correct her if she says it.  Well, now I'm having to reverse that.  I hope he understands how much he's let her down.  How much she really did love him.  How much she really does want her Daddy back.