Saturday, December 06, 2008

Glimpses

I see some people going through the same thing that I've just recently been through myself. I was an angry, bitter person for a long time. Anger that was brought on by something that I did happen to have control over, but when the consequences turned into a blessing I failed to see it. That blessing is Brooke. I was angry at her father for a long time. I have since let that go. Upon meeting Colby I still had that anger and would often times take that out on poor little Brooke, like it was somehow her fault that he didn't want to be around. It's not her fault and it's not my fault and I have just come to discover that. He's made his decision and I can't force him to be something he's not. Would it be nice at times for him to be around, absolutely. But I can't be selfish and think about only myself in that situation. I have to think about the more obvious of questions. Would it be good and healthy for my daughter? Absolutely NOT!!! The questions others might consider are, would it benefit my bank account? To me there is no amount of money any one man could give me to compromise my daughters health, safety and happiness. There just isn't!!!

This has just posed another question in my mind. Why did I compromise my daughters happiness just to have a relationship with a man who wasn't willing to provide her with much to begin with. Yes, he did provide us with a home, fixed my car when needed, provided food, and a nice warm place to sleep. Was I happy, yes for a while, until things go rough with Brooke. I was too blind to see what he was doing to the both of us. I firmly believe that God has placed people in our lives to teach us valuable lessons about ourselves. I have grown and seen how much I can do through all of this, and how much I've done for a long time. There for a long time I was working a full time job, going to school, and still meeting the needs of my daughter. Was it hard, absolutely, but we made it. I guilted myself for her behavior for a long time thinking that I was a terrible parent because I was goign to school, and working all the time while she was at daycare or being cared for by my parents. I enjoy the time I get to spend with her these days. Those days when she looks at you and says, "Mom, I wanna go to McAlisters and get something to eat, and I want to go in." Now what mom in their right mind can resist that. The girl just wants to have a nice sit down meal with her Mommy.

I can remember that when I first moved in with Colby, it was rush to get her and then not really be happy to see her, yet she was always delighted to see me, and then rush her home and start doing things around the house. I never took 5-10 minutes out to just be with her, and say you know what, those dishes can wait, the bathroom can wait, and if you want to eat, do it yourself. I know she suffered from this. This maybe where her behavior problems came in. It was her way to get attention because she wasn't getting it any other way. Most of the time all she wanted was for me to sit down and play with her. I did, if he wasn't there, but if he was there, we couldn't play because she wasn't allowed to drag out her toys into the living room, she might get in his way of game playing. Never again will I let these things happen to my daughter. It is my fault and I'm the parent who is to blame.
I
didn't know if I could raise a child by myself, but you know what I did it for the first 4 years of her life, I only had help for 6 months with her. I could go on another 10 years just her and I!!! I have survived, and we will continue to do it. Yes, there are times of financial roughness, but you know what, we've made it many times, and we can do it some more. I love my daughter and so long as you have love between you, money will never matter.

2 comments:

Charm Bracelet said...

Cherish and protect Brooke above all else. The mother-daughter bond is like no other. Someone once told me that when you look into the eyes of your newborn daughter, you've just met the person who will be holding your hand when you die. You are a great mom! Although you have been tested, the harder times make you stronger and wiser. Enjoy building memories and have a great holiday!

KourJalopy said...

Yes, I have been tested, and I'm being tested everyday. I have learned so much more about her than ever before by just sitting down with her and doing things. I've never really taken time to do that being so busy with school and all in the past!!!