Thursday, December 30, 2010

The New Year!!!

I'm ready for the New Year!  What does that mean?  I'm not entirely sure.  I can tell you that when 2010 rolled around I said, "I'm so ready for a New Year and a New Start!!!"  We can always start new at any time of the year, why do we have to wait until the New Year?  I was thinking about this today.  I just happen to be professing my faith in January of 2011, but 2010 was good to me.  I'm so excited that I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior.  So I can not sit here and say that I'm getting a fresh start in 2011 because I would be lying.  My fresh start happened 1 week ago today, which I was totally excited about.  We don't have to wait for the next year to roll around to make things happen, we can make them happen at anytime.  Yes, I know that 2011 will bring great things just like 2010 did, but it's never too late to make a fresh start. 

So today I recap what 2010 brought me and my family!

In January Colby and I started talking again, which was awesome.  Some things happened and it was quickly over again.  We began getting back into church again.  I spent a lot of time with my sister at this point.  Brooke was not doing very well in her new school!  Of course she had only been there a couple of months at this point.  I also got me a new job at an electrical supply warehouse.

February - Colby and I were on the fritz but things would soon be mended when he sent me Valentine's Day roses.  They are still in their vase and dried sitting on my night stand.  Even though the roses themselves are dead they symbolize one man's love for me! :)  I also celebrated 26 years of life with a wonderful boss.

March - I'm not sure what happened here but I'm sure I spent plenty of time with Colby.

April - we celebrated Brooke's 6th year of life and it was awesome.  She's such a blessing in my life.  We also celebrated Christ's return.

May - Colby went and watched his cousin get his wings in Oklahoma, while I watched Brooke graduate from Kindergarten.  I was a proud mom and one that felt very sad that my baby was growing up.

June - by this point I had lost 46 pounds and was feeling better than ever.  For once I could run and walk with ease.  What a great feeling that was.

July - We celebrated July 4th here at the house probably watching a movie with Brooke.  I also made the toughest decision as a mother and that was something I had to do for my child.  My daughter went to go live with my sister while I get my life straighted out and get on my feet.  We also started going to a new church.

August - I registered to go back to school, 8 hours.  I thought I was going to die.  I was still working at the same ole place as I was in January, except things were starting to get bad there.  My hours were being cut and some other suspicious things began happening.  Brooke started her 1st grade year.  It was a sad day for one momma.  I suddenly began realizing how OLD I was!

September - School was going good, just busy as ever. There were many tests and many bummed moments when I would find out my test grades.  I tried to spend as much time with Brooke as I could, but sometimes it was really hard.  She began to understand what was going on, and why I was doing this FOR her. 

October - School was getting tougher, my grades were starting to improve and things were getting better all around.

November - There was good news all around.  I was looking forward to Thanksgiving, although it would definitely be one like no other.  Brooke would be spending her first holiday with her dad and away from me. It really did suck, but what do you do?  I also started a new job doing the same thing I was at the old place just at somewhere new.  I love it there even still!

December -  School finally was over for the semester and I walked away feeling more confident than ever.  I proved to myself that I could do it even at my age and some years of not having been in school.  Two A's and one B and I was happy with it all.  It was tough but I wouldn't have traded it for the world.  I also had an amazing meeting with a very awesome guy at the church.  On that night I would give myself fully to Christ.  I accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior and was told that I would be baptized sometime during the first of January.  I'm totally excited.  This has brought Colby and I very close, realizing that this is a road that we would like to walk together.

I'm looking forward to registering for school in January along with a lot of amazing things that I know will happen in the year 2011!  I pray that you have a very Blessed and Happy New Year!

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Jesus sat with me!

I'm experiencing some trials right now that we all go through when walking a Christian path.  There will always be obstacles to overcome, fears to be had, and many tears that are shed along the way!  Tonight as I drove home I began talking, but who was I talking to.  I had no visible passenger, it was just me and my radio going down the road in my big ole truck.  I have 5 available seats in that truck and the passenger seat was occupied by a very special man.  His name is Jesus.  I was just talking away and all of a sudden I felt this great presence in my truck.  At one time I had no idea how I was getting home because I was just talking away.  He was listening the whole time and comforting me more importantly.  I looked over and though I could not see him smiling at me, feeling his presence was all I needed to know that he was listening.  I expressed my fears, concerns, doubts, sadness and many other things.  There were many tears shed in my truck on my drive home.  I'm glad it wasn't in the daytime because people would've thought I was crazy.  Oh I'm crazy all right, but not in a bad way.  I'm walking a new path and though sometimes I have to be reminded it's easier to sit and say, I'm a Christian and I should not do that.  I'm now comforted by the things that I expressed this evening.  I let go and let God.  It's not always easy, but if you don't do it you become a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off.  Those are things I no longer need to hold onto.  

In blogging my experience I hope to let you into the New Kourtney, with a better outlook in life.  A more Christian attitude and a whole new spirit.  I'm a Child of God and how amazing is that.  I've been saved by the blood of Christ.  God gave HIS one and only begotten Son so that I could have the things I have today.  So often we get caught up in the material things and forget why we have those things.  We tend to forget that if it had not  been for Jesus, we would not have anything we have today, we would have all been persecuted long ago.  Thank you God for sending your Son to die on the cross for MY sins for the rest of my life.  

I propose to call this blog something else, Starting Anew says it all, but it would not be new and improved if I kept it.  I will figure something out!

Goodnight and God Bless!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Where does the time go?

I sit here at my grandmothers usually everyday for lunch and while sometimes she's already napped sometimes I get to have good conversations with her. Sometimes we talk about the good old days and other times the only one we have is her telling me about someone that has died. I realize that these are all a sign of her age. They are rather sad signs.

I decided to look out the backdoor today. Here in west Texas its windy but still a beautiful day. I looked into the backyard and could almost see the beautiful green grass and all her flowers. I was taken back in time a bit. There was one a green swing out here underneath this tree, but it is now just a memory. That swing is now gone. The flowers are gone and replaced with flower shaped pinwheels. The grass is no longer green and kept, it is now brown an covered with leaves. As a child and part of my teenage years I spent a lot of time over here swinging, planting flowers or raking the leaves. My youth is gone but is much retained and somedays I still act like one. I'm getting older and looking back on my childhood more and more. Those are memories each of us must keep alive. Memories of days long gone, but thinking or talking about them always makes you smile. My grandmothers youth has been sucked from her gradually fading over time. That mind is still sharp sometimes bit she is unable to do the things she once loved. Gardening was her passion, now she's lucky of she gets up an tends to the dishes. She would garden, maintain the yard, even mow it herself. In the last few years we've seen the decline in my grandmother. I've witnessed her health fail, her mind going, an now we are regressing to the childlike state. My mom tells me that while she and Brooke are a lot alike we see Brooke growing and maturing and my grandmother is doing the opposite. It is very sad. There are somedays I leave here with my heart full of happiness and other days where it is broken. I never know what each day with bring for the two of us or what kind of adventure we'll have, but I hope that when I leave everyday she knows how much I love her.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sunday, December 12, 2010

God has IMPECCABLE timing!

Man God has a perfect timing for everything in your life.  I must say He has impeccable timing.  I know that today in church I was supposed to sit in the 2nd row from the top in seat 8.  Why?  Because that's where he told me to plop down at.  I sit alone at church.  I'm not alone in that church, God is with me wherever I go.  The message today was amazing. Just what I needed to hear honestly.  And what has happened this evening has been amazing as well.  Today some of the things that we talked about were Peace.  Peace that surpasses all understanding.  What an amazing thing.  First we have to have Peace WITH God.  Then Peace OF God.  Lastly, Peace WITH EACH OTHER!  

The other thing he spoke about was how we have to forgive..that doesn't always mean forgetting but if we forgive then we have peace with that situation.  As some of you know my forgiveness to someone has never fully happened.  I say I forgive this person but I always take it back.  God did not die on the cross to forgive OUR sins only to take them back. He continually forgives, those Sins are long erased from our book of life, if we so choose that path.  Now its time to erase someone's sins from my book of life.  Reconciliation is one way of doing so. We reconcile relationships, friendships, marriages, and many other things.  I have reconciled one relationship with someone very special to me. Someone who I love so dearly.  Many will not agree and that is fine, they don't have to.  We want to be together, and we want Christ to be the CENTER of our relationship.  We are trying to control one too many things.  We are human but we need to let Christ do all of it.  If we keep Him the focus then the rest will just fall into place.  There we many things that have happened in order for us to lead up to this moment.  We dated people just to fill the void of each other.  Thinking we could try and replace each other with someone else.  It could never happen.  I always had him in the back of my mind.  Always wondered if he was trying to do the same.  Always yearning for a hug, a kiss, or something to say that everything was going to be okay.  It was never the same when I was with someone else.  I learned very quickly that you can not replace the one you love with someone else.  It does NOT happen.  This is a relationship that I hope stands the test of time.  So far it's been 3 years in 5 days.  I didn't know it was possible to love someone else for so incredibly long.  I love you! 

I have the need to reconcile a relationship that has been so hard on me for so long.  The relationship with my mom is one that I need to work on.  Do I want to?  Absolutely not, I'd like to put it off for another day, but it's something I need to do because she won't be here forever.  I have begun taking the steps to reconcile the relationship with my oldest sister.  It will take some time just like the one with my mom will, but I will do it. I do not like the conflict that is between mom and I.  I would so like for it to be different.  Unfortunately I have tried many times and get the same results, so why would I want to try again? She will not be around forever and I do not want something to happen to her and me have a hardened heart.  I do not want to have ill feelings against this woman forever.  This horrible relationship I've always had with her factors into a lot of things.  What kind of girlfriend I was and what kind of mom I had become.  I'm ready to turn those things around.  I want to be a better mom, and although I didn't have the greatest example, I have to be the best for Brooke.  I want to be the best girlfriend to my boyfriend, and someday the best wife.  I want to lead by example.  I can not go on living like this forever.  I can no longer carry these things around.  By forgiving her I have to work to reconcile and work to let those things go.  It will be hard and there will be many roadblocks, just because I know how the devil likes to stir the pot, but I will make it.  Maybe she feels the exact same way, but neither one of us knows where to begin.

Today I make a commitment to be a better mother, girlfriend, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, student, co-worker and more importantly a Soldier for Christ.