Monday, September 11, 2017

Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta

Today marks 16 years since that fateful day that would change the course of our history as we know it.  I struggle today with the words to say here.  I can recount numerous times where I was and what I was doing when terror struck our country.  Today I get to teach my precious little 5 year old boy all about this day, Patriot Day.  It's not a good thing to do but it's time he start learning.  I was a 17 year old girl in high school when this happened.  Neither one of my kids were even thought about at this time.  Their innocence is something to be admired, but today I live with grief in my heart.

Many many years ago I chose to honor a first responder, a hero, every year on this very day.  I watched a documentary several months ago and when I saw his picture flash across the screen I exclaimed to my husband "that is the hero I honor every year."  It's not just about honoring him every year, but it's about honoring everyone that lost their lives to this tragic event. This year is no different.  He was an honorable man, who chose to go to the Twin Towers that morning because it was his duty. He lost his life that morning but no telling how many lives he really saved that day.  He will always remain in my heart.

Today I honor him.  Everyday we honor those that lost their lives to this tragic event on US soil.  Today our hearts are filled with grief and sadness for those lives that were lost today.  May we remember them everyday and may we never forget.  I'm at a loss today with words, I've written the same story every year, a story about a courageous man, and yet I have no words today.  Here are a few links so you can learn more about this man I honor every year.

Here is a link to my blog post about Lt. Charles Joseph Margiotta.  Here is last years blog post.
If you would like to donate to the scholarship fund or read stories about Lt. Margiotta, you can do so here.

May we always remember the 2,996 people killed that day and all of those suffering from various illnesses brought on by this day.  You see the people killed that day weren't the only one's who had lives affected, many people are battling different illnesses and diseases from the many chemicals flying through the air that day.  Let us never forget this day.  God bless America!

Lt. Charles Margiotta, thank you for your unwavering service.  Every year I will continue to honor you and learn more about you.

Update: Today we talked to Stephen (5) about what happened on this day 16 years ago and showed him pictures.  We explained it in a way that he could understand.  Having to teach your kids about this is not fun, but we made a craft to honor this day with.  It tore his Daddy up having to tell him that the "tower building men" couldn't put the towers back together.  Ever year we will get to teach him more as this day is an important part of our history.  This is not something we keep quiet about in our household.  Today is about those lives lost, and by remembering this day we keep those people in our hearts.  This is for you Lt. Charles Margiotta, I will teach our son of your heroic acts, and about your life, you will be remembered for many generations to come.  

Friday, August 18, 2017

How He loves us

Oh, How He Loves Us

One time we were part of a church.  They claimed that they accepted all people, “just come as you are.”  This was their mission statement of sorts.  They accepted you until they found out who you were, a sinner.  We were two people in love, two people who had worked out many issues both amongst themselves and personally.  Two people who love God, just two ordinary people.  We were nothing special.  One of us was heavily involved in the church, working on the Tech Team and working the camera both at the baptism area, sanctuary and elsewhere.  One of us sat in the sanctuary and listened to the message while the other one worked behind the scenes.  I thought alright, I like this church, I like what they stand for, I like that I can come with my sins and be forgiven because after all I’m human and they accept me for what I am, a sinner.  WRONG!!!

I got pregnant in January of 2011 and we found out in February 2011 (the 15th to be exact).  Once they found out we were sinners, suddenly we were shunned.  Suddenly the one who worked camera in the baptism area and in the sanctuary, could no longer do so.  The elders could never find out that someone got someone else pregnant outside of marriage, oh my.  Someone was told that they could no longer work in the public areas because then the elders of the church might think that they accepted this kind of thing, you know a child out of wedlock.  Here I was pregnant and yes, some very kind people in the church wrapped their arms around us and loved us through it.  They loved us through the tough times, the hard times, the scary times and they prayed for us.  It was a tough time for us, we needed our church’s support because my parents weren’t supportive and they sure as heck weren’t accepting.  What happened to come as you are?  Where did that go?  Just because I had committed a sin didn’t mean that God loved me any less, He loved me just the same as the day before.  He died on the cross for my sins, yet the church couldn’t accept that.  They wanted perfect people.  We were not and still aren’t perfect people, we never will be.  We are human and every day we make mistakes, but we are forgiven.

In October of 2011 we welcomed a precious little boy into the world.  He is perfection if there ever was such a thing.  Some members of the church came to see us, while others kept their distance.  My small group leader set up meals for a couple of weeks while we adjusted to the life of a new baby.  It was very kind and gave everyone a chance to come by and see the new bundle of joy.  I’m really grateful I was part of an awesome group back then. 

January, 2012 We wanted to get married in the church.  OH NO!!  Excuse us for wanting to do the right thing and complete our family, how dare us.  We were living together, after all we did have a very young baby.  We were told that in order to get married in the church we’d either have to go to the Justice of the Peace and do it or we’d have to live separately for a few months.  We couldn’t afford two separate rents, there was no way.  We fought with the church for a month about this.  Why wouldn’t they let us make things right?  “That’s our policy” they exclaimed.  Finally, on February 29, 2012 we ran off to the courthouse.  After we had that nifty marriage license in our hands we drove to the church and threw that in their face.  Now we could finally have the church wedding that we had longed for.  Here they were holding our sin against us, but Jesus has never done that. 

This brings me to the point of how He loves us.  He loves us as we are, though He yearns for us to be better.  He loves us even though we carry a lot of baggage and that baggage should be given to Him.  He loves us even though we make mistakes.  If God can love unconditionally, without judgement, without boundaries and without conditions, why can’t people love in the same manner?

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Words from a Crohn's sufferers spouse

If I could find the words to tell my husband all the things I feel about this disease, I'm not sure he'd hear me.  Yesterday we went out of town so he could go to a checkup.  We usually go as a family, drop him off at the doctor's office and the kids and I go find some trouble to get into while we wait to go pick him up.  When he got back in the car yesterday he informed me he has a scope scheduled in a few weeks.  Ok, so now I have to find a sitter for 1-2 kids, I can take the 13 year old but I can not take the 5 year old to this kind of thing.  I always feel stuck, and it sucks immensely.  When I showed frustration about having to scramble to find a sitter for a procedure in 2 weeks, I was told that I always seem pissed off about him having procedures.  First off I do not enjoy them as much as he doesn't enjoy having them done, it's not a pleasurable experience for either one of us.  Secondly, I'm the only one who has to scramble to try to figure out the kid situation.

I said something yesterday to him about how I know he hates this disease for himself, but I hate it so much for our family.  This disease has taken over our lives in every way imaginable.  Sometimes it consumes us all as I take care of him and S.  Somedays I want to run out the door as he walks in the door because I'm so worn down.  Yesterday when I said something he said "yeah, I hate it more for myself." I didn't really know how to take that, it almost felt like we didn't matter at that point.  I wish he understood what it does to our family, how S doesn't really understand why his Daddy can't be around or do as much as he'd like.  I don't know how to tell him how I feel without setting him off and him thinking that I don't love or appreciate him.  I love him so much it hurts.  I love him so much that I could never leave him over a dumb disease.  It hurts me to see him in this situation that I didn't sign up for, but when we married I signed on to be his partner for life "in sickness and in health...til death do us part." That is what I signed up for.  Even if his disease had been as bad as it is now when we met, I don't think anything would be different.  He's my soul mate, my life partner, my husband and my best friend.

I don't think a Crohnie will ever truly understand how this disease affects those around them.  How miserable everyone can be in the middle of a flare.  How exhausting this disease can be for everyone around them.  I know he hates this disease for what it's done to him and his family, I just wish he truly understood what it does to me.  This disease isn't about me, but it sure affects me in ways he'll never understand.  Somedays I wonder if he can even see past himself, if he can see what it's doing to his family.  While we have no control over this, it still sucks.  I wish I had someone to cry out to who wouldn't think I was a bitch, someone to talk to who wouldn't judge me, someone to hug me and say "This is not the end, just a bump in the road." Someone who could be here to help me with the kids so  I could get just 10 minutes of peace.  Yesterday was an emotional day for me, a very tough day.  A day that I realized that my life has changed forever, and I'm not sure I'm ready for this drastic change.  He will always be my life partner, someone I trust, someone who can console me when I need it, and someone to talk to.