Tuesday, May 22, 2007

My dad, my HERO!!!

My dad is my biggest hero. I wish I could help him with what he's dealing with, but I can't, and I don't know where to start if I could. He has chosen not to let any of us in and that hurts more than anything. About 4 years ago, he was there for me when I told him that I was pregnant, whether he liked it or not, it was happening and there was nothing any of us could do about it. He stuck by my side when my mother would not. She chose to deal with it her own way, and that was to shut me out of her life and yell at me everyday!!!! He was there for me, cried with me, and talked to me. Made me feel his love. The closer Brooke became to coming into this world the more excited he got. He watched me change from a young girl, to a mature mother-to-be. He was there every step of the way, and I love him more than ever for being there for me during such a hard time in my life. He made me realize that even if Brooke's father wasn't there for her, he would never stop loving me or her. He cried the moment he first layed eyes on her and I knew he never quit loving me at that moment, and that all the crap we had been through together had paid off. He has been everything to her. They are inseperable. They get into so much trouble when they are together and I can't imagine having to tell her someday that her grandpa is gone and someday she'll see him again. I hope that day doesn't come anytime soon. When he goes you're going to have to bury me right along side him. He's the only thing I have left short of Brooke, and Joe. He is my life, my world, and the only dad I have, the only thing I have left to live for besides Brooke. We spent the first 18 years of my life doing stuff, from the time I was eight until I was eighteen we raised and bred the pigs together. From the time I was young until we got the pigs, we went camping and fishing together. That was our time together. Now we work on the roof and do things with Brooke together and that makes me happier than anything. I have helped my dad do 1/2 of the roof and although we may not have much to say to one another during that time, except little joking things, the time spent with him is time I can never get back. It's amazing. I LOVE HIM MORE THAN LIFE ITSELF. He is my hero, my dad, and the love of my life. I could never love another man more than I love my dad!!!!

Thanks dad for being my HERO!!!

Monday, May 21, 2007


We put the fun in disFUNctional. I'M SICK OF IT ALREADY. Yes, my dad has cancer, yes, it could potentially be fatal, however, he is having surgery in June and will hopefully be fine after that. I'm done with school for the summer therefore I can help out around the house or whatever. I'm going on vacation in June and the Monday after I return my dad has surgery to have his prostate removed. I've got everything set up for Brooke in the way that she has someplace to go provided something happens. I don't want to be scurrying for a babysitter when it's too late, not a good idea, here we are a month and a week away and everything is set up. I told my mom this yesterday so that she would know, and to know that if I needed to stay overnight with dad or something I could, whatever I need to do I will, however there will be one thing and that's I will not be pushed or shoved around like a ten year old because she wants to be selfish, the shit has already started and it pisses me off more than anything. She told me yesterday that she's going to need time to come home and unwind, I'm like from what, you don't have to take care of him and you don't do anything at home anyway. I'll probably stay the night at least one night while he's in there so that we can all have sometime away from one another. I don't get to spend much time with my dad anyway, so nows the perfect time to start. I'm 23, I can pretty much handle things for myself. This is the time when I need my friends more than anything because I have a family who chooses not to be there for me. I get really sick of it. Thank God for Brooke's godmother, she gets to hear most of it. Anyway, I will set it straight that just beceause my dad maybe out of doing things around the house and what not, I will not be treated like shit, and I will not allow her to treat him this way either. I despise and have little respect for her, so I will not let her disrespect the one thing that I have and that's my father. He's the only thing I have left to depend on besides my daughter, I'll be damned if she treats him like shit. I'm sure there will be fighting outside of the hospital, and my mom will say, well, your dad doesn't need this, well, he doesn't need your shit either. She thinks that she's in it alone and it's all going to fall on her, well, I'm about to tell her differently. She thinks that if she loses him it's just going to be her affected, and the truth is that it affects Celeste, Tuesdie, and I as well, because not only is she losing a husband but we are losing the only thing we have and that's our DAD!!! I HATE HER SO MUCH!!!

I must stop this post or its going to get ugly and I'm already in tears as it is.

Its a pretty good thing for that special someone in my life.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007


As if my day couldn’t get any worse at work yesterday, it was bad at school, AND at home. I CAN’T WIN FOR SHIT!!!! We won’t go into the work thing. But when my teacher got to class, yes, I was there at 5:45 and she showed up at 7, our drawings were instantly late. She did not tell us that they were due last Wednesday. They are not technically due until Wednesday which is the last day of class. So automatically my drawings were late because I didn’t stay up there until midnight printing it out. We all figured that as long as we really had them turned in by Monday everything would be fine. So I may be calling one of my advisors and hashing it out with him. That’s ridiculous. I was there super early pretty much every day that I didn’t have Yoga and NOT ONCE did I ever hear her say that anything was due by last Wednesday. STUPID STUPID STUPID!!! Anyway, so I better make an A in that class.

Home…yes, problems at home have never gotten better nor will they until I’m married and out of there. I got home last night and for some reason I’m not being spoken to anymore and according to my sister neither is she. My dad’s going through a lot of shit right now, but damnit so are the rest of us, my sister included. I don’t know why he’s being this way, but it’s time to get over it!!! He’s developed some health problems within the last couple of months, but we’re all doing our best to support him and be there for him as much as we can. I cannot hold his hand because I’m really busy right now just trying to end out the semester!! I have a lot going on. I’m sorry that we can not baby him. I know this is weighing really heavily on him, but we all have our own problems to deal with and I deal with my own and don’t tell anyone else!! I sit back and watch and listen to everyone else, but when I need someone they are not there. My friends are my best source of sanity during this time because I apparently can’t talk to my family. I know my sister is dealing with her own demons, so I’d just rather not put anything on her at this time. My mom doesn’t care nor will she listen, and my dad, well, yea, he’s another story, he won’t listen to you either without getting all in your face!!!! I told him something one day and he got about 3 inches from my face and yelled at me. I was just like OK!!! This was two weeks ago. I'm just really ready for things to end!!!!