Since...

It's been a week and a half since I last posted. I guess I'll fill you in with some other news.

Life...wow, life has a way of waking you up and kicking in the pants all at the same time. Just when I thought things in my life were getting better, someone decided to put a huge hole in my heart. I haven't really been able to come to terms with all of this for a little while, but now I'm ready to talk. I'm ready to understand that all things happen for a reason and that we can't always be in control of a situation.

I'm not angry with God as to why my uncle has left this earth and gone to a better place. I'm angry with myself that I decided that dinner with Colby was more important to celebrate six months of us being together rather than going to have dinner with my family for what ended up being the very last time I would have been able to speak to my uncle while he was alive. I'm angry that I didn't just take that little bit of time out of my day and say yes, I'd love to go have dinner with you guys, knowing that James is going into surgery tomorrow. Who knew it'd be my last chance to talk to him. Everyday, I see things and I think man I wish he were alive to be able to ask him that. I saw something the other day and I said, oh I'll ask my Uncle James...problem is that I just want to hear his voice. I feel really guilty and I hope that God punishes me for not taking the time out of my day to just go be with my family for what was the last time. I've never been angry at God, I just know that if it hadn't have happened at the hospital, there was a very good possibility that it would have happened at the golf course or at his office. Its very hard to now come to terms with all of this having been able to clear my mind for a week. I miss him more and more everyday, and realize that it's really important to keep the memory of him alive for Brooke and his grandson Drew. Brooke is only 4.5 but she remembers him. Drew just turned 4 and probably won't remember that much about Grandpa.

We went over there to my aunts house last week and it was so quiet. His chair was very empty, the house was too quiet and I just missed the hell out of him. His watch sat on the dresser. The watch he's probably had for like 10 years or so, I don't think I've ever seen him without it. My cousin was playing with his range finder, and its so hard to see his things everywhere. The truck was in the garage. His stuff all around us, the music that he loved the most. That favorite chair that he was always sitting in. His name still comes up on the caller ID, and that's when it's the hardest.

Needless to say that I feel super guilty for not going that Saturday and having dinner with them. That's the place that HE wanted to go that evening. I miss him and I just hope that the grieving process gets easier. I know that in time it will. His birthday, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are going to be especially hard this year. I know that with family it will all be better.

I love you and I miss you Uncle James.